Transcripts:
From capturing Harvey in a photograph of shame, Harvey Weinstein is probably the first person that I ever looked at a photograph of and was like, "Yeah, he ran." To calling out R. Kelly's terrible acts with minors. This guy makes more tapes than he does music. He's like the DJ Khaled of tapes. Here are nine times disrespectful celebrities got destroyed by Dave Chappelle.
Starting with a celebrity whose act was so disrespectful that Dave had a hard time believing it. Chris was involved in what we blacks might even consider a goddamn 9/11. Chris got slapped in the face at the Oscars by Will Smith, which was one of the craziest things I'd ever seen. In fact, if you watch it live on television like I did, when it happened, I thought it was fake to confirm if it was real or a bad director's cut. Dave did his own test.
I did and I wasn't sure. So, you know what I did? I waited cuz unlike you, I know Chris. I waited like 30, 40 minutes, as long as it would take him to get to another party. And I called him on FaceTime and he picked up. Soon as he picked up, he said, "You was the only answer the phone for." But the result of his Hollywood experiment hit him harder than the slap itself.
Apparently Obama and Oprah, everybody called this, see if everything is all right. And I thought it was fake. I was I didn't know. So I I asked him, I go, I go, "Well, you know." He said, "What?" I said, "Did it hurt?" He said, "Yes, it hurt." And then I knew that it was real. Calling out the real criminal of the night, Dave explained what triggered him more than the slap.
And I wasn't just offended that he got slapped. That was only half of it. The real offensive part was that after they slapped him, this will just just sat down and enjoyed the rest of his evening. It was crazy. [Applause] The [ __ ] is this? And just like he publicly warned Chris, Dave gave Will a final warning on the consequences that he will not let slide.
And people would ask me all the time, they'd say, "Dave, what would you do if you were Chris Rock and Will Smith slapped you in the face?" And to this day, the answer is the same. Well, I don't know what I would have done, but I do know now what Will Smith would not have done, and that is enjoy the rest of his evening.
But while Will's disrespectful smack was from a moment of anger, this next rapper invited himself into Dave's scope for his genuine hatred toward an ethnic group. He said, "I can say anti-semitic things, and the Davis can't drop me." What? Adidas dropped that immediately. The German war tale began when Dave was invited on SNL and started his skit with a strange message.
Thank you very much for being here. Uh before I start tonight, I just wanted to read a brief statement that I prepared. I denounce anti-semitism in all its forms and I stand with my friends in the Jewish community. But not long after Dave's random message turned into a warning with flashing lights. And that Kanye is how you buy yourself some time.
And early in my career, I learned that there are two words in the English language that you should never say together in sequence. And those words are the and juice. And even Kanye couldn't run away from Dave's allied artillery. Vaguely. I remember it started with a tweet, strange tweet. It was like, um, I'm feeling a little sleepy.
I'm going to give me some rest, but when I wake up, I'm going to go Death Con 3 on the Jews. And then he just went to bed. Even I wonder though, how deep was Hitler 2.0 buried after Chappelle's final head shot? I was up all night worried. What is he going to do to the Jews? Kanye woke up from that net. We went right to work.
He said, "I can say anti-semitic things and Adidas can't drop me." Now what? Adidas dropped that immediately. Kanye's disrespect was mostly messed up words, but it was only half as bad as this next producer who literally destroyed lives with his power. Harvey Weinstein's probably the first person that I ever looked at a photograph of and was like, "Yeah, he I'm not sure this mother has a choice.
" Not a handsome man. Lot of meat and extra skin on his face. Not stopping there. Dave produced a facial reality check for the predatory producer. He's ugly. You know, the sad part is he's done so well in life, he probably doesn't know he's ugly. You know, when you're good-looking, everybody will tell you, "Oh, you look wonderful.
You're so great looking." When you're ugly, you got to figure that out for yourself. Even mid roast though, Dave still found time to call out Hollywood's pretty privilege. A lot of putting clues together is why am I not getting in the club? I got all the right pit doing that. Wouldn't have heard a peep.
The girl would just come back down like I got the part. And Dave offered solidarity to Harvey's survivors in a way only he can get away with. And yet it is important that I acknowledge ladies, you are absolutely right. There you go. This could happen to any of us. Could happen to me. I can see that. I can see myself showing up. Hi, I'm here for my 3:00 a.m. with Mr.
Weinstein. But Dave's roleplay/mckery started getting a little too intense. Hey Harvey, I got your text. I'm here to talk about the script. Seems like it's going to be hard to read and candle light, but I guess I could try. Could you imagine if he was in a business meeting and a mother pulled their out in the middle of a meeting? I'd be like, "Yo, yo, my man, this is the most unprofessional I've ever seen.
" With his ending plot twist, Dave cut not only Harvey but also another producers's dignity short. Just let me finish Dave Chappelle. I'll put you in all three Lord of the Rings. Hurry up and have other meetings. I have a 4:30 a.m. in Brett Rner's house. And uh Dave exposed Hollywood's disgusting abusers with zero hesitation.
But when accusers tried to get their 2 minutes of fame by sullying the king of pop's name, Dave had no mercy going after them as well. It's funny for black dudes to see white people go through this because this is how it always is for us. All my heroes is either murdered by the government or registered do it.
Like Michael Jackson, remember when they said all that about Michael Jackson? They never proved anything till his dying day. And Dave's victim blaming was as subtle as a moonwalk. One time I watched a documentary about it. They were talking about all this Michael Jackson allegedly did. And as they were saying all these allegations, they started showing pictures of his home, the Neverland Ranch.
You ever seen Michael Jackson's house on television? Well, the short of it is there's a lot of things for kids to do with that place. Strangely enough, Dave found the most unusual evidence for the smooth criminals innocence. I saw the whole thing. Zotic animals and ferris wheels and merrygorounds. And the more they showed it, the more certain I was that I I don't think Michael Jackson did any of those things they said he did. House didn't look.
And Dave quickly clarified that Michael's invitation to the kids wasn't to his bedroom, but to his inventions instead. Didn't look like he was trying to [ __ ] kids. It looked like he's just trying to impress them. Like this Jay-Z for kids. He's just walking through his house. This is my cotton candy machine. It makes three tons of cotton candy a day.
You know, all the cotton candy you want. This closet is filled with nothing but custommade karate slippers. Still mocking, Dave painted a version of the kids that HBO never published. And them kids was like, "Man, you are all right, mister. This is fantastic, man. We had you all wrong." Huh? All wrong? What? I don't understand what he mean.
Huh? Oh, well, you know, man, we thought it was going to be the usual. On his closing beat though, Dave dropped a line harder than the climax on Thriller. and have us come over and give us some wine cooler and you know suck our boy but suck your you kids trying to suck your trying to show you a better life. Michael Jackson earned every award he got unlike this next celebrity whose award win was so controversial that Dave had to step in with cold hard facts and let me tell you facts hurt the trigger team hard.
Caitlyn Jenner was voted woman of the year. Her first year as a woman. Ain't that something? Beat every Detroit. She's better than all of you. Dave pulled out one of rap history's goats to soundtrack Caitlyn's absurd victory lap. Never even had a period. Ain't that something? Oh, I'd be mad as [ __ ] if I was a woman. I'd be mad if I was me.
If I was in a BET Awards sitting there and they're like and the winner for of the year Eminem. Before the cancel choir started screaming though, Dave started spitting facts for their own defense. Gender is a fact. This is a fact. Every human being in this room, every human being on earth had to pass through the legs of a woman to be on Earth.
That is a fact. I am not saying that to say that trans women aren't women. What Caitlyn and her woke warriors did not see coming was Dave's defense transitioning into an attack. I am just saying that those that they got, you know what I mean? I'm not saying it's not, but that's like beyond impossible.
You know what I mean? It's not blood, that's beet juice. But while Dave was on the ledge regarding Caitlyn's win, he was definitely sure in his destruction when a heckler called out one of the most despicable names in the music industry. Well, okay. R. Kelly is different. I mean, you know, if I'm a betting man, I'm going to put my money on.
He probably did that. I'm pretty sure he did that. But it didn't take long for Dave to turn R. Kelly's sex tape into a disc tape instead. This guy R. Kelly got another say by now. Can you believe that? This guy makes more tapes than he does music. He's like the DJ Khaled of tapes. Another one.
Like damn, it's a lot of tapes. When it came to his courtroom defense though, R. Kelly's own clip transcript read more like a guilt confession. I've never seen anything like this. The prosecutor in Chicago came out in a press conference and read to the media a transcript of a sex tape and it was so bad that R.
Kelly sounded guilty in the transcripts. After hearing the tape, however, lawyer Chappelle had some free legal advice for R. Kelly. It's [ __ ] amazing. 16 times the girl's age was mentioned. Isn't that crazy? This motherucker is an idiot. He was like, "Yeah, this is the best 14-year-old I've ever had in my life." And she was like, "You like this 14?" Like, "Oh, yeah. I love this.
" I'm like, "Man, you need to shut the [ __ ] up." Not stopping there, Dave offered some evidence tampering expertise as well. You got to give your lawyer something to work with. You supposed to be on the tape like, "This is the best 36y old I've ever had in my life." And then your lawyer going to be like, "Your honor, clearly my client thought that this woman was 36 as he mentioned some 16 times in the tape.
" And Dave's last buckshot caught not only R. Kelly, but the entire midlife crisis female group in his crossfire. They going to know you lying though. You know what I mean? Everybody knows no such thing as good 36 year old. It doesn't matter what I say. And if you at home watching this [ __ ] on Netflix, remember you clicked on my face.
While R. Kelly got torn apart at the lowest point of his life, Dave didn't spare celebrities at their highest point either. And his speech at Kevin Hart's Mark Twain Prize was prime proof. Kevin is one of the greatest comedians that I've ever seen. And Kevin is one of the greatest men that I've ever known. Hello, Jerry.
Before Kevin could get his prize though, Dave handed him an Oscar on Hypocrisy first. And I know that inside you feel awful sometimes, but I've never seen it on your face. And I've never felt it in your presence. And I am honored to know somebody like you. I really wish you would come when I won this award.
No, no, no. Is busy. Is busy. Just when everyone thought Dave was moving on, however, he nominated Kevin for the fake friend category. any given moment, the strongest dream in that moment wins that moment. And my god, Kevin Hart, you are a very powerful dreamer. I love you so much and never forget that I said it because we only get to talk on podcast.
As if taking shots at Hollywood's Golden Boy wasn't enough, Dave took the country's golden boy to the cleaners as well. I don't care if you're a Republican or Democrat, if you support him or not, any objective person is going to have to admit that uh this [ __ ] is having a terrible go of it.
We've had presidents before that have done bad jobs, but this is worse than a bad job. It's scary to watch. And Dave kept calling out the unpreential things our president keeps doing. I watched Donald Trump in a press conference and this mother had all the media gathered and this literally literally asked the media to their face to stop finding [ __ ] out.
I was like, "Yo yo, this motherucker is bugging." But what Dave saw next was a biological phenomenon so strange that even Nat Gio hadn't covered it. And then I'm not even making this up. His lips started sweating. His lips. Have you ever seen a motherfucker's lip sweat? What the is wrong with this nig's lips? Soon Dave boarded a flight that seemed to fly off tangent.
It's like if you're on a plane, right? You ever been on a plane? I like I I get scared to fly. I do it all the time. I be scared on there and sometimes the plane will hit turbulence and then I get nervous, but I always look at the flight attendant and she looks calm and it makes me feel calm. But before anyone could even tie their seat belts, Dave crashed the airplane straight into the White House.
But if that bitch's lips were sweating, it's terrifying. Like, yo, why are your lips sweating? What do you know? And then I'm not even making a sh this [ __ ] p. He goes, "You don't know how scary the things I read in my briefings are." Using his hypothetical son as a prop, Dave blasted Trump's logic until his orange skin turned to red.
I was like, "Holy [ __ ] man. You ain't supposed to tell us that, bro. That's bad leadership. Even as a parent, you think I'm going to sit my kids down. Hey, little man, come here real quick. I was going to holl at you for a second. Y I'm 3 months behind on the rent and I am worried. Burying every celebrity clown 6 feet deep, Dave reserved his most brutal roast for the circus itself.
The same one that tricked him into signing away his own show. Two weeks ago, whenever it was, I'd call Michaels and I tell him, "Okay, I'll do it. I'll do Saturday Night Live on election night." And and the day I made that phone call, the day I committed to it, it gets announced that Netflix is streaming Chappelle's show.
HBO Max is streaming it, too. With zero hesitation, Dave tore the mask off Hollywood's favorite con. Before Chappelle's show was at Comedy Central, I pitched that show to HBO. I I told them what I wanted to do. Now, these are executives. All they have to do is say, "Yeah, we'll take it." Or, "No, thank you. We won't.
" But they didn't say either of those things. And Dave's expose train was just picking up speed. They went too far. They said literally, "What do we need you for?" That's what they told me as they kicked me out of the office. What do we need you for? And here we are all these years later and they're streaming the very show that I was pitching to them.
But now it was Dave's turn to put the execs on trial and prosecute their fraud. So, I'm asking them, "What do you need me for?" People think I made a lot of money for Chappelle's show. When I left that show, I never got paid. They didn't have to pay me because I signed the contract. For his audience, however, Dave only had one easy question.
But is that right? I found out that these people were streaming my work and they never had to ask me or they never had to tell me. Perfectly legal cuz I signed the contract. But is that right? I didn't think so either. With his rant reaching the finish line, Dave warned his audience with a lethal call out. If you are [ __ ] streaming that show, you're fencing stolen goods.
They stole that from me. They just took it. And I'm not up here trying to tell you guys that I believe that Comedy Central gave me a raw deal just because I'm black. I believe that they gave me a raw deal because this industry is a monster. And on his finale, Dave teamed up with his arch nemesis to take down the greater evil.
It's the same monster that these me too [ __ ] was trying to tell you about. But they hate the monster for how it f. And I hate that monster for how it eats. But my god, man, it's the same monster.
