Featured Post

intr0

 


Search This Blog

Thursday

OH MY OH MYH YEP YES YAY

A Scanner Darkly - YouTube

Transcripts:
<i> A Scanner Darkly</i> Home Video closed captioned (<i> low, eerie tones playing</i> ) (<i> soft scraping</i> ) (<i> exhaling</i> ) <font color="#FFFF00"> Captioning sponsored by  WARNER BROS.</font> (<i> quiet, melancholy theme  playing )</i> ♪ ♪ (<i> electronic whirring</i> ) (<i> scratching</i> ) (<i> insects buzzing quietly</i> )
(<i> whimpering</i> ) (<i> high-pitched grunt</i> ) (<i> high-pitched grunt</i> ) (<i> low grunting</i> ) (<i> whimpering</i> ) (<i> high-pitched grunt</i> ) (<i> deep gurgling</i> ) ♪ ♪ (<i> high-pitched grunt</i> ) (<i> high-pitched grunt</i> ) Huh? (<i> eerie tones playing</i> ) (<i> high-pitched grunt</i> ) ♪ ♪
(<i> coughs</i> ) (<i> curious whine</i> ) (<i> soft grunt</i> ) (<i> whines</i> ) (<i> insects chirring</i> ) (<i> high-pitched grunt</i> ) (<i> dog whines</i> ) (<i> high-pitched grunt</i> ) (<i> dog whining softly</i> ) I looked them up. (<i> panting</i> ): They're aphids. They're in my hair, on my skin, in my lungs.
And the pain, Barris... it's unreasonable. They're all over the place. Oh, and they've completely gotten Millie, too. Okay-okay, wai-wai-wai-wait. Just listen to me. You got to get out of there. I'll meet you over at the Fiddler's Three, okay? Calm down. Everything's gonna be fine. Before you go, put a couple of them in a jar so I can get them examined.
I mean, I'm sure they're just aphids, but you never know. Just in case, 'kay? Just do it. Relax. Relax. (<i> eerie tones playing</i> ) (<i> low grunt</i> ) Gentlemen of the Anaheim 709th chapter of the Brown Bear Lodge, we have a wonderful opportunity this afternoon, for, you see, the County of Orange has provided us with the chance to hear from and put questions to an undercover narcotics agent from the Sheriff's Department, who is out there on our behalf fighting this awful Substance D epidemic.
It's no secret we're living in a culture of addiction. Nearly 20% of the population can now be classified as addicts. And, as far as anyone can tell, there is but one company that is working and helping this situation. That company is our sponsor, New-Path. Now, you will notice that you can barely see this man, because he is wearing what is called a "scramble suit," the exact same suit he wears, and, in fact, must wear, during certain parts, in fact, most parts, of his daily activities of law enforcement.
This man-- whom we will call Fred, because that is the code name under which he reports the information he gathers-- once within the scramble suit, cannot be detected by even the latest in voice and facial recognition technology. The scramble suit itself is purportedly made up of approximately a million and a half fraction-representations of men, women and children in every variant, making the wearer of a scramble suit the ultimate Everyman.
(<i> whispers</i> ): This is terrible. He looks, does he not, like a... a constantly shifting, vague blur and nothing more, am I right? (<i> laughter</i> ) Let's hear it for the vague blur! (<i> applause</i> ) (<i> distorted</i> ): If you saw me on the street without this suit on, you'd probably say, "There goes a total dope fiend.
" You'd feel aversion and walk away. I don't look like you. I can't afford to. My life depends on it. (<i> normal voice</i> ): I'm not going to tell you first what I do as an undercover officer engaged in tracking down dealers and the source of their illegal drugs in the streets of our cities and corridors of our schools, here in Orange County.
I'm going to tell you what I'm afraid of. What I fear, night and day, is that our children-- your children and my children-- (<i> distorted</i> ): I have two little ones... very little. But not too little to be addicted, calculatedly addicted to Substance D for profit by drug terrorists. As many of you know, our military and their associates are actively engaged in countries where it is believed the organic component of Substance D, a small, highly toxic flower, originates.
And while our troops are down there fighting for us, it is up to each and every one of us here to do our part in eliminating the demand for this drug. It's important you, as citizens, continue to report all suspicious activity and individuals. For, simply put, if there were no demand in our society, there would be no market for these leeches to exploit.
MAN: Yeah. (<i> normal voice</i> ): Each day, this disease takes its toll on us, and each day the flow of profits and where they go... (<i> distorted</i> ): uh... Well, it isn't about the profits anyhow, it's... something else. Uh... what'd you see happen. Like, if you were a diabetic, and you didn't have money for insulin, (<i> normal voice</i> ): would you steal to get the money or just die? MAN (<i> over headphones</i> ): Uh, I think you better go back to the, uh, prepared text there, Fred.
(<i> quietly</i> ): I forgot it. I think I have a block against this shit. (<i> over headphones</i> ): Repeat after me, but, uh, make it sound casual. "Where the profits flow, we will soon... "...and then retribution will swiftly follow. "At that moment, I would not, for the life of me, want to be in their shoes.
" Got it? (<i> quietly</i> ): You know why I've got a block against this bullshit? Because this is what gets people on drugs. It's all so disgusting, you want to lurch off and become a user. Come on, Fred, just say the shit and get it over with. (<i> distorted</i> ): Um... Anyway... (<i> inhales sharply</i> ) Substance D.
D... (<i> normal voice</i> ): D is for Dumbness and Despair and Desertion. The desertion of your friends from you, you from your friends. Everyone from everyone. (<i> distorted</i> ): Isolation and loneliness and... hating and... suspecting each other. D is, finally, Death. Slow death. (<i> normal voice</i> ): From the head down.
Well... (<i> distorted</i> ): that's it. Okay, let's eat. (<i> quirky rock tune playing</i> ) (<i> siren chirps</i> ) (<i> siren wailing</i> ) All right, what's your name? Ah, my name, um... uh... Oh, you don't know your name? Well, that's interesting. Probable cause. Out of the car, sir. Now, you have the right to remain silent until...
and, uh... and anything you say can and will be used against you when you, uh... And when... You know, fuck this shit! (<i> dissonant chord plays</i> ) (<i> eerie, oscillating tones  playing</i> ) (<i> mechanical whirring</i> ) (<i> fabric fluttering</i> )
(<i> whirring, clicking</i> ) (<i> quiet beeps</i> ) Hello? Hey, how you doing? Oh... I-I'm all right. Anything wrong? Ugh! Just this fucker stole 50 bucks worth of shit from us today, and my boss said it was somehow my fault and it's coming out of my paycheck, which... I don't even think is legal. I mean, can you legally do that? Yeah, they can't do that.
At least they... used to not be able to do that. I'll check. Hey, Donna, can I get anything from you? Mm... yeah, how much? Ten. Ten? Yeah, I'm hurting really bad. I'll, uh, I'll pay you back later. Yeah, okay, um... say, day after tomorrow? Any sooner? I'll come by later. Like, around 8:00? Yeah. I'll see you later.
DONNA: Okay. All right, bye. Okay, bye. BARRIS:<i>  You see, all symptoms</i> are purposeful, be they positive or negative. You see what I'm saying? In this case, I wouldn't feel strangely about it, because just the idea of turning yourself over to New-Path for rehabilitation is only naturally gonna make you a little, you know...
apprehensive, but... that's just a manifestation of the fear. It's just, uh... that's the D talking. You know, the first thing I hear that, when you go into the New-Path, what they do to you? (<i> whispers</i> ): They cut your pecker off. No, no, they could never get away with that. You kidding me? Come on, that's an urban myth.
It's actually the spleen that's remanded to their custody. The what? The sp... Hey, how is everything? Everything is super good. (<i> whispers</i> ): Not with me. I got a lot of problems nobody else has. No, no, come on. More people than you'd think. And more people each day. This is a world getting progressively worse.
Can we not agree on that? What's on the dessert menu? Would you like to maybe order some dessert? Like what? (<i> moaning</i> ): Mmm... Well, we have fresh strawberry pie and fresh peach pie that we make here ourselves. (<i> sultry moan</i> ) No, we don't want any dessert. All right. Fucking fruit pies are for old ladies.
What do you think about the New-Path? While it doesn't matter what I think, I kind of have to tip my hat to any entity that can bring so much, uh, integrity to evil. I mean, imagine this, a seemingly voluntary privatized gulag just managed to eliminate the meddling middlemen of public accountability and free will, and wrapped it up in a little bow and given to the public like a gift, I
 mean, come on, this is... pshew! (<i> exhales sharply, coughs</i> ) This is awe-inspiring stuff. I heard you have to go cold turkey. Cold turkey doesn't even apply to Substance D. Unlike the legacy of inherited predisposition to addictive behavior or substances, this needs no genetic assistance. There's no weekend warriors on the D. You're either on it, or you haven't tried it.
Well... I like it. Yeah. How many caps do you take per day? (<i> raspy groan</i> ) Um... it's very difficult to determine. But not that many. Well, like the old school pharmacopoeia, a... tolerance develops. These visions of bugs, they're just garden-variety psychosis, but a clear... indication that you've hurdled over the initial fun and euphoric phase and passed on to the next phase.
News from the guinea pig grapevine suggests that... whatever it is, we won't know until it's... way too late. You see? You see that we're all canaries in the coal mine on this one? Hmm. I do think I have another source. That Donna chick. Bob's girl? Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah. His girl. Although I know for a fact he never gets in her pants.
Really? Yeah. (<i> inhales</i> ) But he... talks like he does. Oh, yeah. That's Bob Arctor-- he talks like he does many things. That's not the same, my friend, that's not the same thing. Donna has an aversion to bodily contact. And junkies lose their interest in sex, you realize, due to, uh, organs swelling up from vasoconstriction.
And I have observed in her an inordinate failure of sexual arousal, not just toward Bob Arctor, but, uh... ...other males as well. I... can't believe she doesn't put out. (<i> chuckles</i> ) Well, she would... if she were handled right. For instance, I could show you how to sleep with her f
or less than... three dollars? (<i> heavy sigh</i> ) I don't want to sleep with her. I want to buy from her. Donna does coke, all right? Three dollars doesn't get you a lot of coke. Ah, ah. That's where you're wrong, pal. (<i> sped-up music,  high-pitched whirring</i> ) (<i> sped-up engine revving</i> ) (<i> sped-up traffic passing</i> ) (<i> sped-up engine revving</i> ) (<i> quirky rock melody playing</i> ) ♪ ♪ (<i> aerosol can hissing</i> ) What they've deliberately done is mix the cocaine with the oil so that it cannot be extracted.
But my... (<i> sniffs twice</i> ) knowledge of chemistry is such that I know precisely how to separate the oil from the cocaine. Now, now I will freeze it, which'll cause the cocaine crystals to rise to the top, because they are lighter... than the oil. The terminal step, of course, I keep to myself, but suffice to say, it involves an intricate and methodological process...
of filtering. Hmm. How long is it gonna be in there? Just about a half an hour. You know, uh, I been thinking, Barris, uh, even if we do get a pure gram of cocaine out of this deal, I don't want to use it on Donna, I mean, you know, to get in her pants. That'd be like buying her. No, it'd just be an exchange.
You give her a gift, and she gives you one. (<i> snorts, chatters</i> ) (<i> sighs</i> ) And besides, we're talking about Bob's girl here. Um... and this is his house, he's my friend. He lets you and Luckman live here. There's a great deal about Bob Arctor you're not aware of. FRED (<i> distorted</i> ):<i>  How did New-Path rig it  where they're the one place</i> in our entire country that can't be scanned? All the rest of us can be tracked 24 hours a day, but, no, not at New-Path.
HANK (<i> distorted</i> ): Hey, that's their contract with the government. But I think you're right. It would be a good place for a dealer to hide. (<i> grunts</i> ) What about, uh, Donna Hawthorne? I'm systematically working up to her supplier. The quantities I'm buying now are basically beyond her capacity.
She doesn't have enough front money to handle it, so it's just a matter of time before she's hooking me up with the next person up the ladder. I think someday soon we'll have somebody who really knows something, and they'll be worth busting. What about, uh, Jim Barris and Ernie Luckman? Same shit, nothing new.
Well, what about, uh, Charles Freck and Robert Arctor? Up to pretty much the same old thing. Even Arctor? Arctor? Yeah, he doesn't seem to be doing much. Still working his nowhere Handy Brake and Tire job. Drops a few caps of Death cut with meth during the day. I'm not so sure. We just got a tip in from an informant that Arctor has funds above and beyond what he gets from his little job.
And when we checked into it, we found he wasn't even working there full-time. Hmm. Yeah. Who's this informant? We don't know. Undoubtedly, it's a vengeance burn. That's how these druggies are. I mean, phoning in on each other every time they get pissed off. Anyhow, as of now, I'm officially assigning you to observe Arctor.
(<i> tapping computer keys</i> ) If we're ever going to get to the bottom of this, I have a hunch it'll be through this guy. So will that mean full-time viewer recording? We got no choice. We'll install a new holographic scanning system. You'll just let us know when they're out of the house, and, uh, we'll want storage and printout on everything.
(<i> grunting</i> ) Total, total, total, totally, total, total, total providence. I am walking home. I find myself on a street I am rarely on, and look what I obtain for a mere $50. LUCKMAN: What is it? Oh, this would be an 18-speed bike of the all-terrain variety. I noticed it in a neighbor's yard, and I inquired as to its availability.
They had four of them, so I made a cash offer. Oh! Drugs! 50 dollars. They acquiesced. They actually threw in these lemon yellow racing pants. They actually even hoisted it over the fence for me, which I found to be very neighborly. Oh, that's weird. I didn't know you could get an 18-speed bike nearly new for $50.
It's amazing what you can get for $50. I'll give you $60 right now, no questions asked. DONNA: You know, this bike looks a lot like the bike that this girl lives across the street from me had that got ripped off about a month ago. This bike could be hot. They probably jacked it, these hoister friends of yours.
Sure they did-- I mean, if they've got four and selling it that cheap. Right? You should at least show it to her, so she could see if it's hers. Yeah. Okay, I can do that, but this is a boy's bike. Okay? So it can't be. Not to invalidate your intuition, but it's not possible. Thank you. Why do you say it's an 18-speed, when it only has nine gears? What? What? Yeah. Yeah.
Six right here, three at the other end of the chain. Six plus three equals nine. It's a nine-speed bike. Yeah, but even a nine- speed bike for 50 bucks, he still got a good deal. Okay, those guys told me it was 18 speeds. I just got Greeked, I just got... Wait! Wait. Now I count eight. Six here and then two in the front.
That makes eight. What do you think happened to the missing gears? Think? I know. They were probably working on it, these gypsy grifters, with improper tools and no technical knowledge, no understanding of reverse engineering, and when they attempted to reassemble it, they panicked. They got scared, and they left nine orphan gears there, just laying on the floor.
They're probably still there on the floor of the garage. (<i> Luckman pounding table</i> ) Let's just go rescue the orphan gears, dude! Don't you see that that's part of the plan? They're going to try to sell them to me, not give them to me, as they rightfully should've, as included in part of the original sale price.
Oh, my God, there's no telling what else they've bait-and-switched. Yeah, but all of, if all of us go together, oh, they'll give them back. Oh, you bet they will. Oh, you bet they will! Let's just go as a team, okay? DONNA: Wait! Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure there are only nine gears on this bike? Eight. Okay, eight, nine, whatever.
Don't you think that, before we go over and accuse and start some shit, we should find out for sure? Absolutely right, Donna! Who do we know who's an authority on this type of bi-- (<i> Donna grunts</i> ) Get off of me! Let me... (<i> annoyed grunting</i> ): God...! We are all way too close to this. There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino, shape-shifting lizard bitches.
We are going to take this bike outside, ask the first person we see. We're going to introduce some novelty. That way, we get an objective viewpoint. <i> Eins, zwei,  drei, Hagel...</i> BARRIS: By the way, I might take you up on that, uh, $60 offer. No, that was for an 18-speed. Oh, God. Now, for this, 18 minus ten, I'll give you $23.75.
Are you certain that's the right math on that? (<i> knocking</i> ) MAN: Come in. You are Officer Fred? Yes. Have a seat, please. All right, Fred. We're going to administer several easy tests, and there will be no physical discomfort involved. If this is about the speech I gave to the... WOMAN: Uh, what this is about stems from a recent departmental survey showing that several undercover agents have been admitted to Neural Aphasia Clinics during the last month.
MAN: You're conscious of the high factor of addictiveness of Substance D? Of course I am. Of course, these tests in no way pertain to the addictive properties of Substance D, but to... well, let's start with the Set-Ground Test first. Within the apparently meaningless lines is an object that we would all recognize.
You are to tell me what that object is and point to it in the total field. In many of those taking Substance D, a split between the right hemisphere and the left hemisphere of the brain occurs, which results in a defect within both the percept and cognitive systems, although apparently, the cognitive continues to function normally.
Have you located the familiar object in this line drawing? It should just jump right out at you. I see a... Coke bottle. A soda pop bottle is correct. Was it in the speech I gave? Maybe it seemed I showed a little bilateral dysfunction there... I mean, I might've seemed a little... slushed. Are you getting any cross-chatter? What? Cross-chatter between hemispheres.
If there's damage to the left hemisphere where the linguistic skills are normally located, then sometimes, the right hemisphere will fill in to the best of its ability. Uh... I don't know. I mean, not that I'm aware of. What do you see in this second picture? A sheep. Show me the sheep. MAN: An impairment of set-background discrimination can get you into a heap of trouble.
Instead of perceiving no forms, you perceive faulty forms. So there is no sheep here, is there? Was I close? This is not a Rorschach test, where some abstract blot can be interpreted many ways by many subjects. This has one specific object, in this case... a dog. (<i> softly</i> ): A dog. What's that mean that I saw a sheep instead? MAN: Who knows? Only after the entire set has been run, can we make a determination...
Why this is superior to the Rorschach is that it's not interpretive. There are many wrongs, but there is only one right. You either get it, or you don't. And if you show a run of not getting it, then we have a fix on a functional impairment, and we dry you out for a while, until you test better later on. At New-Path? BOTH: Undoubtedly.
Now, what do you see in this drawing among these particular black and white lines? (<i> sighs</i> ) Plastic dog shit. The little kind you can buy and put in someone's bed. (<i> proctors laughing</i> ) Can I go now? You know, Fred, if you keep your sense of humor like you do, you just might make it, after all. Make it? Make what? The team? The girl? Make good? Make do? Make out? Make sense? Make money? Make time? Define your terms! The Latin for "make" is<i> facere,</i> which always reminds me of<i> fuckere,</i> which is Latin for "to fuck,"
and I haven't been getting shit in that department lately. If you guys are psychologist types and you've been monitoring my endless debriefings with Hank, tell me, what the hell is Donna's deal? What do I do? I mean, how do you make it with that kind of sweet, unique, stubborn little chick? You could buy her flowers.
Really? This time of year, you can get little blue flowers at any nursery. Give them to her. (<i> distorted</i> ): Yeah. Hey, Fred, glad you could make it. This is the informant who phoned in about Bob Arctor, and I mentioned him. (<i> distorted</i> ): Yes. Anyway, he phoned in again, and we challenged him to step forth and identify himself.
Do you know this man? FRED: Sure do. You're James Barris, aren't you? So, Mr. Barris, what's your information? I have evidence that Mr. Arctor is part of a covert terrorist drug organization. They are well-funded, and they have arsenals of weapons at their disposal. And what is this organization? I believe it to be political in nature and very much against this country, an enemy of the U.S.
HANK: Can you give us any specific names of anyone else in this organization of persons Arctor meets with? Yes, uh, Ms. Donna Hawthorne. On a variety of pretexts, he will go over to her place of residence and colludes with her regularly, I've noticed. Colludes? (<i> chuckling</i> ): Colludes. What do you mean? Well, I-I've followed him in my own car, without his knowledge.
He goes there often? Yes, as often as... She is his girl. Right. Uh, Mr. Arctor also... HANK: No, hold up. is seemingly... Hold up. You think there's anything to this, Fred? I think we should definitely look at his evidence. All right. Bring in your evidence, all of it. We want names most of all. Now, have you seen Mr.
 Arctor involved in any large quantities of drugs? To be certain. And I have carefully taken samples, uh, again, without his knowledge, when the opportunity presented itself, strictly for you to analyze, and I can bring those in, as well. Great. Is there anything else you wish to state at this time? There is. Mr. Arctor is an addict. He is addicted to Substance D.
And I fear that his mind has become deranged over time, and he is now officially to be considered, um, dangerous. Dangerous? Yes, he is having episodes that would occur with brain damage from Substance D. And I'm quite certain, also, that the optic chiasm has deteriorated somewhat, due to a weak ipsilateral component.
HANK: This sort of unsupported speculation, as I've already warned you, Mr. Barris, is completely worthless. Now, we'll be sending an officer with you to gather your evidence, all right? May I... An officer out of uniform, of course. Uh, no, see, I could be mur-dered. As I've already said, Mr.
 Arctor has this cachet of, well, weapons. Mr. Barris, we appreciate this and the extreme risk you are taking, and if it works out, and your information is valuable in obtaining a conviction, then, naturally... But that is not the reason I am here. You see, this-this man is, he just has a soul-sickness. His brain is damaged from the use of this toxic and most terrible substance.
Nonetheless, the reason I am here is I feel that I may have certain qualities that would qualify me to perhaps come over to your side, to surrender and come to the side of law enforcement in general. I would like an employment application. We don't care why you're here; we only care whether your evidence and material amount to anything.
The rest is your problem. Perhaps at the desk, I can get an employment, uh... Gentlemen, you are about to witness for approximately 61 cents of ordinary household materials, the perfect homemade silencer. Barris, the neighbors are going to hear. Nah-- they only call in murders in this neighborhood. Plus, Freckledeck, it's a silencer.
They're not going to hear anything. Well, I'm pretty fucking sure they're illegal. In this day and age, the type of society we find ourselves living in, every person of worth needs to have a gun at all times, to protect themselves. And we're off.<i>  Un...</i> <i> Deux...</i> <i> Trois?</i> (<i> gunshot blasts</i> ) (<i> dogs barking frantically  in distance</i> ) (<i> softly</i> ): That sure is some silencer.
BARRIS: Yes, uh, what it did was augment the sound rather than dampen it. But I almost have it. I believe I have it in principle, anyway. Oh, well, the good news is, regardless of what you do next time, it'll be a silencer to us, because we're now deaf! ARCTOR:<i>  What happened?</i> <i> How did I get here?</i> Okay, it's your move now.
Anyone want some popcorn? GIRLS: Yeah! Ah! Fuck! (<i> grunting</i> ) <i> The pain...</i> <i> so unexpected and undeserved,</i>  had, for some reason, <i> cleared away the cobwebs.</i> <i> I realized I didn't hate  the cabinet door.</i> <i> I hated my life, my house,</i> <i> my family...</i> Are you okay, Daddy? What happened? A
RCTOR:<i>  ...my backyard,</i> <i> my power mower.</i> <i> Nothing would ever change.</i> <i> Nothing new  could ever be expected.</i> <i> It had to end... and it did.</i> <i> Now, in the dark world  where I dwell,</i> <i> ugly things  and surprising things</i> <i> and, sometimes,  little wondrous things</i> <i> spill out at me constantly.
</i> <i> And I can count on nothing.</i> (<i> scatting softly</i> ) Medfly! Got it. That would be a Thelma Kornford. Oh, yeah! Miss Big Tits. "If I had known it was harmless... ALL: I would have killed it myself!" Thanks for the mammaries. (<i> laughing</i> ) She had such beautiful tits. Daddy Slowpoke. Oh, get around him, will you? You know what to do.
Your move, Peterbilt. That's a big ten-four. Got nothing on us. There we go. Get a life! Okay, Bob, no rush. Hey, not so fast, Bob. You are flying-- decelerate. Steady. Decelerate! LUCKMAN: Slow down! Jesus! Son of a bitch! Hey! Come on! Decelerate! Oh... (<i> gasps</i> ) (<i> horn honking</i> ) Ah...! (<i> engine sputtering</i> ) (<i> horn honking</i> ) Let us over! Emergency! We're getting over! (<i> horn honking</i> ) Emergency! (<i> horns honking</i> ) What the hell was that? Jesus fucking Christ! What the hell in the hootenanny was that?
The return spring on the throttle cable, and, look, the gas. Was it cut or broken? BARRIS: Let's give her a look. Ah! It's not the spring. It's the linkage from the pedal to the carb. See? It fell apart so the gas pedal didn't push back out when you took your foot off. But... that doesn't explain why... There is a safety override on the carb.
When the linkage parts, it's... Why did it part? Shouldn't this locking ring hold the cable in place? I mean, how can it just come off like that? Let's have a look, let's probe a little. All right. This screw has been turned all the way out, the idle screw. So, when the linkage parted, it went the other way, up instead of down.
Wait... Now, how could that happen? There is no way that that screw could turn itself all the way out like that accidentally. No way. Motherfucker! They did it deliberately! This could... We almost died! They almost fucking got us, man! Now, to loosen the lock ring and nut assembly that holds the accelerator linkage rods together, a special tool would be needed. Several, in fact.
I'm going to estimate it'll take about a half an hour to get this back together. I have the tools, though. Back at the house. Correct. Well, we can always go to a repair center and borrow theirs, or get a tow truck out here. (<i> quiet laugh,  then a gulp</i> ) Here. You know, maybe that's what's fucking us up, fucking up our brains.
We're going to wind up like Freck soon. (<i> chuckling</i> ): No. Hey, these are for us. I'm going to suggest that you take several with the implicit acceptance of the fact that Substance D cannot screw up an accelerator linkage or a carb-idle adjustment. LUCKMAN: Yeah, dude. Don't blame the drugs. Come on. Well, so much for our great road trip to San Diego, Bob.
I told you we should have gone to San Francisco. What, like going to San Francisco would not have caused this, uh, problem with the engine? I don't know what you mean. Yeah, because when you're going north, it screws this way, and when you're going south, it screws that way. No, no, no. If we were in Australia...
This proves you got somebody out to get you real bad, Bob. I just hope that the house is still there when we get back. Yeah, I didn't think of that. I wouldn't worry about it too much. LUCKMAN: You wouldn't?! Christ, they may have broken in and ripped off all we got. All... Bob's got, anyhow. What if they stomped the animals? Don't worry about it.
I left a little surprise for 'em. What? Yes, anyone entering the house while we are gone today will receive a... little surprise. Little something I perfected early this morning. What kind of surprise? It's my house, Jim. You should ask me before you start... wiring up my house. Why would you get so uptight about protecting your house from intruders? Why would you care? I'm just saying it's my house, that's all.
You can't start going around booby-trapping my house. Okay, okay. I mean, geez-- or as the Germans would say, <i> Leise,</i> which translates to "Be cool." Just be cool. So what did you do? If the front door is opened while we are in absentia, thumbnail-sized auxiliary motion detector digital memory cameras start recording.
You should have told me. What if they come in through the back door or the bathroom window, like that infamous Beatles' song? To increase their chances of entering via the front door, rather than in other less usual places, I, fortuitously, left the front door unlocked. Suppose they don't know it's unlocked? Well, that's why I left a note on the door.
You're kidding me. No, no. No. Yes. But no. But yes. Are you bullshitting us or not? I just simply never know with you. Is he fucking with us, Bob? We'll see when we get back. If there's a note on the door and it's unlocked, we'll know he isn't lying. They'd probably take the note down after ripping off and vandalizing the house and then locking the door behind them so we don't know, we will never know.
It's still that gray area. Of course I'm kidding-- only a psychotic would do that. Leave the front door of the house unlocked with a note on the door? What'd you write on the note, Jim? I wrote, "Come on in, the door's unlocked." He did it! He really did it! BARRIS: This is the only way we're gonna know for sure, Bob, who's been doing this stuff.
And is that not what is of primary importance? LUCKMAN: Okay, I'm still gray here. Now, did you do it or not? Is it really that suspenseful? Did you? He did it. BARRIS: Please, it doesn't matter, we're gonna be home shortly. LUCKMAN: Did you? We'll be home presently. (<i> whirring, clicking</i> ) (<i> hinges squeak</i> ) (<i> meows</i> ) ♪ ♪ Hmm.
Oh, well, Barris, I can see you're right. This scrupulous covering-over of all the signs they would have otherwise left, testifies to their thoroughness. You're an idiot. Oh. Wai-Wai-Wai-Wait. This... What is that? Huh? Huh? Uh-huh. Come here, come here. Look at this, look at this. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh! A still-hot cigarette butt. It sure is.
Wait a second. They lit a joint while they were here, Bob. Fuck it, Barris is right, there was somebody here. This roach is still hot. Smell it. Yes. And that roach may not have been left here by accident. This evidence may not be a slip-up. So, what now? Maybe they were here specifically to plant drugs in the house.
Setting us up, then "phoning in a tip" later. It could be in the phone, it could be in the wall outlets. We are gonna have to go through this house and get it absolutely clean before they phone us in, unless they already have! (<i> whispers</i> ): We might only have minutes. (<i> gasps</i> ): You check the wall sockets.
I'll tear this phone apart! Wai-Wai-Wait, hold on, hold on. If they see us scrambling around right before the raid... (<i> whispers</i> ): What raid? If we are running around frantically trying to flush their drugs, then we can't allege, even though it's true, that we didn't know they were here. (<i> whispers</i> ): They are going to find us holding them or...
maybe that's... part of the plan. Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! (<i> sobbing</i> ): We can't do anything! We're f-f-fucked, man! Fuck! Yech! Fucked, man! Barris, what about the super-secret surveillance cameras? The what? The doodads, man. Oh, yes, of course. Right, of course. How could I have forgotten? (<i> chuckles</i> ): Oh, this should be extremely informational, at this point.
I believe this will tell us a great deal. Although it probably wouldn't have... proven to be that important. Let me guess-- didn't record. Allow me to suggest that it's highly likely that the tow truck was bugged, thus affording them ample time and opportunity to deploy an operative to diffuse and otherwise erase the evidence obtained.
But, at this point, we have no other recourse in view of their evasive tactics. I mean, there is, of course, one thing you could do, Bob, although it would... take time. Sell the house and move out? But, hell, this is our home. You could make a considerable profit. On the other hand, you might have to take a loss on a quick sale.
(<i> whispers</i> ): I know a good Realtor. What reason should I give for selling? They always ask. Can't tell the truth, you really shouldn't tell the truth. Well, why can't we tell the truth? We put an ad in the<i> L.A. Times.</i> "Modern three-bedroom tract house "with two bathrooms for easy and fast flushing, "high-grade drugs stashed throughout all rooms, included in sale price.
" It could actually increase the value. But they might be calling and asking what kind of drugs are stashed, and, uh, we don't know, it could be anything. Yes, and prospective buyers might inquire as to the quantity. Yeah, a-a-and we don't know at this point. It could be ounces of weed or pounds of heroin or hits of E or killer caps of D.
DONNA: Hey, you guys. (<i> guys gasp, whimper</i> ) Fuck! Jesus! What the fuck is wrong with you? (<i> exhales, sniffles</i> ) I came in, like the note said. It didn't say when you were gonna get back, so I just... I just sat around for a while and... ended up crashing. Love your sweater. Just don't touch me! Man, you guys were making so much noise.
Sorry. It woke me up. (<i> Barris grunts</i> ) Did you smoke a joint before you crashed? Uh, yeah... (<i> chuckles</i> ) Otherwise, I can't ever sleep. You know, you guys should seriously think about maybe locking the doors when you leave. Otherwise, you could get ripped off, and it'd be your own fault.
 (<i> chuckles</i> ) This is all your fault. DONNA: Did I hear you say you were gonna sell the house? (<i> Barris and Luckman grunting</i> ) Or was that... you know, me dreaming? 'Cause what I heard sounded weird. Yeah, we're all dreaming. BARRIS (<i> grunting</i> ): Quiet. Steady. Steady. BARRIS: Kidney. Kidney. Ow! Kidney! HANK (<i> distorted</i> ): So, the information from the holo scanners installed in Arctor's house are transmitted back here, to station 12-879.
This'll be your new home away from home, pal. It's, uh, pretty intuitive. You'll just be watching and scanning through recorded information. You can go live, of course, but that tends to be excruciatingly boring. And, then, you see where these, uh, holos are placed? What would be great is if they ever need servicing or changing out, you could do that yourself while no one else is around.
But wouldn't you, then, see me on the tapes doing that? No. For that, you just edit yourself out. But be sure to include yourself in the tapes from time to time, 'cause if you systematically edit yourself out, then we can deduce who you are through the process of elimination, whether we want to or not. I'm not sure I exactly...
Well, we take it for granted that you are one of the individuals that are in Arctor's circle of roommates and friends that frequent the house. I mean, undoubtedly, you're either... Jim Barris or Ernie Luckman, Charles Freck... (<i> chuckles</i> ): even Arctor himself. Hell, you could be Donna, for all I know.
As my superior, I figure you'd know all this stuff. (<i> scoffs</i> ) How the hell would I know? I'm just a little guy behind a big desk. You'd have to go way up the food chain to access that kind of info. You know, instead of me doing any maintenance, you should send someone to the house once a month, in uniform, and have him say, "Good morning.
 I'm here to service "the monitoring devices covertly installed on your premises." (<i> Hank chuckles</i> ) Maybe that sucker Arctor would even pick up the bill. (<i> sighs</i> ): Actually, I think Arctor would probably kill the guy and then disappear. (<i> normal voice</i> ): If it's proven that Arctor is, in fact, hiding that much.
Huh. Believe me, Arctor is hiding a great deal. We've got more recent information on him analyzed, and... (<i> scoffs</i> ) there is no doubt about it-- he's a ringer. A three-dollar bill. The guy is a phony. So keep on him until he drops; until we have enough to arrest him and make it stick. You think he's high up in the, you know, Substance D network? What we think is of no importance to your work.
You report your limited conclusions, and we evaluate. You got it? Okay, okay. I got it. (<i> sighs</i> ) I'd say Arctor is doomed if he's up to something. And I have a hunch from what you're saying that he is. BARRIS:<i>  Actually, the idling jets</i> could be replaced with smaller jets that would compensate, and with a tach, you could just watch his RPMs, so it didn't over-rev.
Usually just backing off on the gas pedal causes it to upshift if the automatic linkage doesn't do it. What are you grease monkeys up to? Bob's got a bent choke shaft. How much does this Impala weigh? Weighs about a thousand pounds. BARRIS: All right. A thousand pounds traveling at 80 miles per hour builds up a force...
That's a thousand pounds with passengers in it and a full tank of gas. Uh, for a fact? Okay. How many passengers? Twelve. Six in the front, six in the back. No, that's 11 in the back, and the driver sitting alone in the front. The extra weight on the rear wheels is to keep the car from fishtailing. What are we talking about, 12 50-pound passengers? Kids' soccer team.
Now, is that metal or plastic cleats? Metal cleats for safety. Okay, my computations are complete. You are just... heckle tweak, but you are bug-bite squared. What kind of bug? About-to-get-fucked-up, bitch, beetle. FRECK: Hey, come on, c-cool it, you guys. BARRIS: All right? Just try to do something. Step back, Freck and Frack, Ernie's on the attack.
What-what is this? Come on. I'm desperately afraid. I'm going to knock your nads up into your nostrils Come on. for talking to your betters that way. All right, I am a technician, you are an interloper. You are constitutionally incapable of not shutting the fuck up. Bring it! Shut the fuck up! No, no, Proctology Boy, I'm coming after you.
Shut it-- hey! Hey. I have the perfect tool for this job. I was only kidding him. Fuck. Fuck! What if he goes in there and he gets his gun and his silencer? I'm leaving. This place has become unsafe. No. Hey, hey, Freck, no, come on. You're a bro, man. Stick around. What's the hammer for, Barris? No, I just saw it inside, and I just thought I, you know, should bring it along with me.
(<i> yells</i> ) Same with this. You ready? Huh? Yeah. What do you want? Come on, Hammerhead. Shut up! Make a move. Don't like it. FRECK: Okay! If you guys are gonna kill each other, I'm splitting. It's getting very fucked up over here. ARCTOR: Hey, Freck. The most dangerous kind of person is the one who's afraid of his own shadow.
What is that supposed to mean? I'll tell you what it means, Freckles. It means that if you take too much of that stuff, you not only start seeing and feeling buggy-bugs all over you, but you start talking like... (<i> quacking</i> ) and no one can understand you. What'd you say, Barris? I didn't understand.
(<i> quacking like Donald Duck</i> ) See, you guys are fucked up. BARRIS (<i> mimicking Popeye</i> ): No-no. It is yuck-uck-uck-ou that are fuckuckeded up. Hey, go Freck yourself! (<i> as Popeye</i> ): Don't take the car; you'll kill yourselfsk. Oi-yuck-uck-uck-oh. (<i> engine starting</i> ) (<i> car speeding away</i> ) LUCKMAN:<i>  So this guy's</i> been going around claiming to be a world-famous impostor, right? Says he's posed, at one time or another, as a surgeon at John Hopkins, as a theoretical, sub-molecular, high-velocity,
particle-research physicist on a federal grant at Harvard, as a Finnish novelist who won the Nobel Prize for literature, as a deposed Argentinean president who was married to a go-go dancer from Chicago... And he got away with all that? He never got caught? Okay, you broke my flow, so now I guess I'll just have to segue down to the near.
And that's just it, you see, he didn't pose as any of those. He just posed as a world-famous impostor. Yeah... I-It came out later in the<i> L.A. Times.</i> They-they checked up, and he was pushing a broom at Disneyland or something. He saw that old DiCaprio movie, you know, the one where he plays a world-famous impostor, before Leonardo hit his Elvis stage.
And his first thought was, "Hey, I could pose as all those exotic guys and get away with it," but then, his next thought was, "Hell, why bother? "I could just pose as an impostor. It'd be a lot easier." They say that he made more money (<i> over speaker</i> ): than the actual impostor, although I'm not sure if they, uh, uh, adjusted for inflation.
BARRIS: Hmm. Well, you know, we all see impostors now and then, but not posing as subatomic physicists. Oh, as a narc, you mean. Hmm? What's a narc look like? ARCTOR: That's like asking what's an impostor look like. I once talked to this dealer who'd been busted, and I asked him what the narc who'd busted him looked like.
BARRIS: What, did he say he looked just like us? More so. So I guess the moral of that is... stay away from guys that look the same as us. (<i> laughs</i> ) (<i> Barris laughs</i> ) Well, there are female narcs. LUCKMAN: Oh, hey, I'd like to meet one of those. No, I don't mean a female, I mean just the narc, BARRIS: Right, yeah.
knowingly, like a positive, although... BARRIS: Sure, so you could positively know, and you will, 'cause when he slaps the cuffs on, then you'll know for sure, when that day comes. How could a guy do that? Pose as a narc? LUCKMAN: What? BARRIS: Huh? What? Pose as a narc? BARRIS: No, you said... yeah. Pose as a narc? Oh, sh...
(<i> chuckling</i> ): Shit, I'm spaced. Pose as a narc, wow. (<i> chuckling</i> ): Pose as a narc. My brains are scrambled today. Hmm. (<i> computer beeps</i> ) (<i> pounding table</i> ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ Christ, Barris, what the fuck? Hello... (<i> clears throat</i> ) Uh, yes, hi, how are you? I have something somewhat, uh, emergent, uh, to report. Uh, I don't know if I should be summoning the inhalator squad or the resuscitation squad. (<i> clears throat</i> ) Yes, ma'am? Uh, I-I-I don't, I don't want to say it's not cardiac arrest, but it's either that or an involuntary asphyxiation of a bolus within the....
Uh, the address, yes, the address is simple, although I've never sent myself a piece of mail here. Seven-zero-niner. Is the, is the street relevant? FRED: Come on. I'll tell you this much-- it is a cul-de-sac. Uh, that does technically qualify as a street? Oh, I am, uh, pleased to report we won't be needing your assistance, uh, after all.
Thank you. Have a nice day. (<i> Luckman retching</i> ) There you go. Took care of itself. (<i> Luckman hawking</i> ) (<i> grunts</i> ) BARRIS: Okay. LUCKMAN: Oh, Jesus. BARRIS: You all right? (<i> grunts</i> ) There you go. LUCKMAN: I must have passed out. Yeah. Well, you, uh... I was dreaming. Gosh, I almost died.
Yeah. Shit. Huh? And what were you doing while I was being escorted by dead relatives to the bright light? Well, no, no, no. Jacking off? No-no-no. You saw me. I was on the phone, I summoned the paramedics. I sprung into action without delay. Bullshit! You were, you were cleaning your pipe. No, I was wrapping my pipe.
You were unconscious. You're the only person in the known universe who's never heard of the Heimlich maneuver? All right, I'm gonna give you a little feedback, since you seem to be proceeding through life like a cat without whiskers, perpetually caught behind the refrigerator. Your life, and watching you live it, is like a gag reel of ineffective bodily functions.
I swear to God that a toddler has a better understanding of the intricacies of chew, swallow, digest, don't kill yourself on your TV dinner, and yet, you've managed to turn this near-death fuck-up of yours into a moral referendum on me. LUCKMAN: You are a monster! Oh, fuck. BARRIS: You are a billy goat. LUCKMAN: A sick, depraved...
(<i> radio playing soft rock</i> ) (<i> dialing through stations</i> ) NARRATOR:<i>  ...Charles Freck,</i> <i> becoming progressively  more and more depressed</i> <i> by what was  happening around him,</i> <i> decided finally to off himself.</i> <i> There was no problem in  the circles where he hung out</i> <i> in putting an end to yourself.
</i> <i> You just bought  a large quantity of downers</i> <i> and took them  with some cheap wine.</i> <i> The planning part  had to do with</i> <i> the artifacts he wanted found  on him by later archaeologists.</i> <i> He had spent  several days deciding--</i> <i> much longer than he had spent  deciding to kill himself.
</i> <i> He would be found  lying on his back on his bed</i> <i> with a copy of Ayn Rand's</i>  The Fountainhead <i> and an unfinished letter  to Exxon,</i> <i> protesting the cancellation  of his gas credit card.</i> <i> That way,  he would indict the system</i> <i> and achieve something  by his death,</i> <i> over and above  what the death itself achieved.
</i> (<i> pills rattling</i> ) <i> At the last moment, he changed  his mind on a decisive issue</i> <i> and decided to drink the pills  with a connoisseur wine</i> <i> instead of Ripple  or Thunderbird.</i> (<i> bottle shatters</i> ) <i> So he set off  on one last drive,</i> <i> over to Tiny's Liquors, which</i>  specialized in fine wines, <i> and bought a bottle  of 2001 Azalea Springs Merlot,</i> <i> which set him back almost $70.
</i> <i> Back home again, he uncorked  the wine, let it breathe,</i> <i> drank a few glasses of it,</i> <i> and tried to think of something  meaningful, but could not.</i> <i> And then,  with a glass of Merlot,</i> <i> gulped down  all the pills at once.</i> <i> However, he had been burned.</i> <i> Instead of quietly suffocating,</i> <i> Charles Freck  began to hallucinate.
</i> <i> The next thing he knew,</i> <i> a creature  from between dimensions</i> <i> was standing beside his bed,</i> <i> looking down at him  disapprovingly.</i> You going to read me my sins? Yeah. It's going to take 100,000 hours. Your sins will be read to you ceaselessly, in shifts, throughout eternity. The list will never end.
"The Sins of Freck." NARRATOR:<i>  Charles Freck wished</i> <i> he could take back  the last half hour of his life.</i> CREATURE: "...age six, in the first grade: Theft of fingernail clippers." "3:08 p.m.: Theft..." "...you did knowingly and with malice..." "...kicking, punch your baby sister Evelyn." "December: Theft of Christmas presents.
" "...one million lies." NARRATOR:<i>  1,000 years later,</i> <i> they had reached  the sixth grade,</i> <i> the year he had  discovered masturbation.</i> "November 14: Percodan... Vicodin... cocaine..." NARRATOR:<i>  Charles Freck thought,</i> <i> "At least I got a good wine."</i> Where did Substance D come from? Why can't we stop it? The bigger this war gets, the more freedoms we lose, the more Substance D is on our streets! Can't you figure this out?! Look around you! Look how far we've come! Humanity wasn't meant to live like this--
our every waking moment tracked and traced and scanned! It's time to stop submitting to this tyranny. It's time to realize that we're being enslaved. Uh-oh, it's our tax dollars at work to protect us from ourselves. Hey, guys, I used to be one of you. Stop selling out your own species! (<i> tires screeching</i> ) Hey.
 (<i> chuckles</i> ) Get in. You scared me. Got something for you. I'm seeing some crazy shit tonight. What do you mean? That fucking Barris. You know how he works? He doesn't kill anybody, but he hangs around until the situation arises where they die. And then he just... sits there. And he sort of sets them up in the first place, while he stays out of it.
But I'm not sure... how. Hey, do you have that money for stuff? I need it tonight. Yeah, I have it. Okay. You know, I don't like Barris. I don't trust him. Guy's fucking crazy. And when you're around him, you start acting crazy. And then when you're not around him, you're fine. You're acting crazy now. I am? Yes.
Oh. Hey, will you take me to a concert next weekend at Anaheim Stadium? Sure. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah! Which night? Oh, it's Sunday afternoon. Whatever you want. Hmm? Well, I'll just drive over to my place. You have the money, you'll give it to me. We'll kick back, drop some Death, maybe get some tequila. All right. All right.
Hey, Donna, do you like cats? Mm... Droopy little things, moving along about a foot above the ground. Above? You mean on the ground? Just drooping, behind furniture... little spring flowers with blue in them, that come up first. Yeah. Before... Before someone stomps on them and they're all gone. It's like you know me.
(<i> giggles</i> ) You can read me. Can I put my arms around you? I want to hug you, okay? No! What? Look, I do a lot of coke, okay? And I just have to be really careful, because I do a lot of coke. So just leave my body alone, okay? Okay. Sorry. Yeah. You know... fuck it. Hey, I-I'm sorry. I just don't like it when people grope my body, and I have to watch out for that because I snort so much coke.
That's fucking lame. I got to go. Your car's not fixed. I drove you here, I'll drive you back. Bob! Bob! Bob, wait! Please... Please wait. I didn't mean... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm just, I'm so out of it right now. Sometimes, after I've worked really hard all day... Please, come back. Come... come on.
We've got tequila. How much do you do? Not that much. And I don't shoot up. I never have, and I never will. Once you start shooting, you have, like, six months, maybe. Even tap water, you get a habit. You have a habit. We all do. I mean, so what? What's the difference? I'm happy. Aren't you happy? Listen to me. I think it's starting to get bad.
You know what I want to do someday, Bob? I want to move north, live on a farm near the mountains, in a cabin. Can I go with you? I hope so. I hope so. (<i> slow electronica  theme playing</i> ) All right. You weren't kidding. ♪ ♪ Do you have a toothbrush?
What? Screw it, screw it. Teeth are teeth. I'll, uh... I'll brush them. Bathroom is...? What bathroom? In the house. You know those guys out there, rolling joints and rattling on and on-- they live here with you? Two of them do. So you're gay? Try not to be. That's why I called you tonight. So you're putting up a pretty good battle against it.
You better believe it. Guess I'm about to find out. If you're a latent gay, then you'll want me to take the initiative. Do you want me to undress you? Sure. (<i> eerie, free-form tones  playing</i> ) (<i> ominous, dissonant  notes playing</i> ) (<i> slow, deep rhythm plays</i> ) (<i> sighs</i> ) (<i> groans</i> )
Aw, Jesus, fuck. (<i> phone ringing</i> ) (<i> distorted</i> ): Hello. WOMAN: Fred. We've processed some more recent material on you. How are you feeling? Okay. Any problems? Well, I had a fight with my girl. Any confusion? Are you experiencing any difficulty identifying persons or objects? Any language disorientation? No.
Can you come back over to room 203? What did you find to be a problem? We'll take that up when you get here. (<i> sped-up passionate moaning</i> ) (<i> sighs</i> ) (<i> electronic whirring</i> ) (<i> lamp clattering</i> ) (<i> slow, eerie tones playing</i> ) ♪ ♪
Connie. Donna. (<i> music builds dramatically</i> ) (<i> beep</i> ) (<i> electronic quack</i> ) (<i> electronic quack</i> ) (<i> electronic tone</i> ) (<i> electronic tone</i> ) All right, Fred, very good. And this next test-- with your eyes covered, reach out and feel an object with each hand. You are to tell us if the object presented to your left hand is identical to the object presented to your right.
Uh... Um. Um... (<i> sighs</i> ) One more thing, Fred. We need an updated blood test... so, go down the hall to the pathology lab, and they'll fix you up. And by the time you get back here, we should almost be through with our evaluation. I'll be upstairs with Hank. WOMAN: You certainly seem much more depressed today than you did when we first saw you.
Pardon? Last week, when we first saw you, you were kidding and laughing. Did you ever get her the flowers? (<i> grunts</i> ) ARCTOR (<i> normal voice</i> ):<i>  Crazy job they gave me.</i> <i> But if I wasn't doing it,  someone else would be.</i> <i> And they might get it wrong.</i> <i> They might set Arctor up--</i> <i> plant drugs on him  and collect the reward.
</i> <i> Better it be me,  despite the disadvantages.</i> <i> Just protecting everyone</i> <i> from Barris's justification  of himself.</i> <i> What the hell  am I talking about?</i> <i> I must be nuts.</i> <i> I know Bob Arctor.</i> <i> He's a good person.</i> <i> He's up to nothing.</i> <i> At least, nothing too bad.
</i> <i> In fact, he works for</i> <i> the Orange County  Sheriff's Office covertly,</i> <i> which is probably why  Barris is after him.</i> <i> But that wouldn't explain</i> <i> why the Orange County  Sheriff's Office is after him.</i> <i> Something big is definitely  going down in this house--</i> <i> this run-down,  rubble-filled house,</i> <i> with its weed-patch yard</i> <i> and cat box  that never gets emptied.
</i> <i> What a waste  of a truly good house.</i> <i> So much could be done with it.</i> <i> A family and children  could live here.</i> <i> It was designed for that.</i> <i> Such a waste.</i> <i> They ought to confiscate it  and put it to better use.</i> (<i> slow, mysterious theme  playing</i> ) <i> I'm supposed to act like  they aren't here.
</i> <i> Assuming there's a "they"  at all.</i> <i> It may just be my imagination.</i> <i> Whatever it is that's watching,</i> <i> it's not human,</i> <i> unlike little dark-eyed Donna.</i> <i> It doesn't ever blink.</i> <i> What does a scanner see?</i> <i> Into the head?</i> <i> Down into the heart?</i> <i> Does it see into me, into us?</i> <i> Clearly or darkly?</i> <i> I hope it sees clearly,</i> <i> because I can't any longer  see into myself.
</i> <i> I see only Mark.</i> <i> I hope, for everyone's sake,  the scanners do better...</i> <i> because if the scanner  sees only darkly, the way I do,</i> <i> then I'm cursed  and cursed again.</i> <i> And we'll only  wind up dead this way,</i> <i> knowing very little</i> <i> and getting that  little fragment wrong, too.
</i> (<i> heavy sigh</i> ) You show what we regard more as competition phenomenon than impairment. Yeah? Competition between the left and the right hemispheres of your brain. It's like you have two signals that interfere with each other by carrying conflicting information. It's as if you have two fuel gauges on your car.
They're studying the same amount of fuel, but one says your tank is full, the other registers empty. They can't both be right. And you, as the driver, have only an indirect relationship to the fuel tank, via the gauges. So what does all this mean? Well, I'm sure you know already. You've been experiencing it without knowing why or-or what it is.
The two hemispheres of my brain... are competing? Yes. Yes. But... why? Substance D. It often causes that, functionally, and this is what the tests confirm. Damage has taken place to the normally dominant left hemisphere, and the right hemisphere is attempting to compensate. Cross-cutting, we call it. Related to split-brain phenomena.
We could perform a right hemispherectomy, but, um, I'd... Will this ever go away? Uh, probably. It's a functional impairment. It may be organic damage. It may be permanent. Time will tell, and only after you've been off Substance D for a long while. I'll never take Substance D again for the rest of my life. Uh, how much are you taking now? Not much.
More, recently, because of job stress. ARCTOR:<i>  Death is swallowed up  in victory.</i> <i> Behold, I tell you  the sacred secret now:</i> <i> We shall not all sleep  in death.</i> ARCTOR: We'll do the other half of Southern California tomorrow night. The Air Force Arsenal at Vandenberg will be hit for automatic weapons and...
DONNA: What about that anthrax Anwar ripped off for us? When do we-- aren't we supposed to carry the stuff up to the watershed area to... ARCTOR: We need the weapons first. Drugs in the water supply is step B. DONNA: Okay, but I got to go. I got a customer. I can also identify the aforementioned, uh, terrorist cell.
It's repeatedly indicated, uh, throughout the course of my observations. HANK: Do you have any more material of this sort, or is this tape substantially it? Oh, no-- I have a veritable cornucopia, and much of it is directly referencing, uh, the organization and its-its directives. Who are these people? What organization? It is primarily Arctor and Hawthorne.
I have coded notes here which may be of some interest to you. I, uh, my own cryptology is, uh, very difficult to... As of now, I'm impounding all of this. It is our property temporarily, and we will sort through it ourselves. You will be on hand to explain anything to us, if and when we get to the point where we feel we need anything explained.
Mr. Barris, you will not be released pending our study of this material. You will be charged, as a formality, to keep you available, with knowingly giving the authorities false information. This, of course, is just a pretext for your own safety. I've always wanted to go to the Galapagos. There's an interesting variety of creatures there.
Is that satisfactory, Mr. Barris? Uh, not entirely. Though I wonder, when I'm locked down, may I be provided with, uh, some lotion, and perhaps some, uh... So... what do you think of Barris's evidence? Seems like what he played, the little we heard anyway, sounded pretty genuine to me. It's fake. Hmm. Worthless.
Made on a home computer. Hmm. Maybe you're right. Is that my medical report you have there? Yep. What does it say? That you're completely bonkers. Completely? Ah, there's maybe, uh, two brain cells that still light up. The rest is just... short circuits and sparks. (<i> whispering</i> ): Two? Listen, uh, when you go to pick up your next paycheck, there will be a substantial difference this time.
I get some... sort of bonus for this, for this having... happened to me on duty? No. Read your penal code. "An officer who willingly becomes an addict, "and doesn't report it promptly, "is subject to a misdemeanor charge, a fine, and/or six months." You'll probably just be fined. Willingly? (<i> chuckles</i> ) No one held a gun to your head and shot you up.
No one dropped something in your soup. You knowingly and willingly took an addictive drug, brain-destructive and disorienting. I had to. You could have pretended to. Most officers manage to cope with it. (<i> chuckling</i> ): And... from the quantities you were taking.... (<i> chuckling</i> ) My God, Fred. I...
Hey. You know what I would do if I were you? Once you get out of New-Path, and, you know, it's all over... But it may never be over. Cigarette? I'm getting off that, too. Everything. Including chocolate. Yeah. And... Huh. Like I tell my kids. (<i> chuckles</i> )... (<i> exhales smoke</i> ) I've got two kids. Two girls.
Little ones. I don't believe you do. You're not supposed to. Maybe not. (<i> sniffs</i> ) HANK: Listen, is there anywhere specific you'd like to go? Maybe over to Donna Hawthorne's place. From the information you brought in, sounds like you guys are pretty close. Yes, we are. How'd you know that? Process of elimination.
I know who you aren't, and we're talking about a very small group of people that we hoped would lead us higher. And maybe Barris will. I pieced it together a long time ago that you're Arctor. I'm who? (<i> whispering</i> ): I'm Bob Arctor? Yeah, get me, uh, Donna Hawthorne's number or just patch me through when you locate her.
Thanks. Bud, you are in a very bad way, my friend. Maybe Jim Barris poisoned you. We were really interested in Barris, not you. The whole scanning of the house was to keep an eye on him. We hoped to draw him here and we did. (<i> clicks tongue</i> ) He is deep into it with some very dangerous people. Then... I'm a what? Well, we had to get to Barris to set him up.
So, how we arranged it was, he grew progressively more and more suspicious that you were an undercover cop, trying to nail him or use him to get high or... So he did what you or anyone would have done... Hey, Donna. Yeah, hi, this is a buddy of Bob's. Arctor. Yeah... uh, listen, um, he's in a, he's in a bad way.
Yeah, way bad. And I was wondering if I could, uh, ask a favor of you. You're a sweetheart. Yeah. I'm-I'm sure he'll appreciate it very much. Great, thanks. Good news. Donna Hawthorne said she'd pick you up out front in about five minutes. You fuckers. (<i> quiet, eerie tones playing</i> ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (<i> pants</i> )
(<i> sniffs</i> ) (<i> panting quietly</i> ) You're a good man, Bob. You've been dealt a bad deal. This is not fair, but it has to be this way. You just, you got, you've got to just wait it out; just get through it. And someday, a long time from now... you'll see the way you saw before. There'll be a, a recognition and some spark in a disguised form will reveal itself to you...
and guide you. (<i> grunts, gags</i> ) (<i> vomits</i> ) Substance D? Yeah. Ate his head. Another loser. (<i> panting</i> ) It's easy to win. Anybody can win. (<i> panting</i> ) Good-bye. (<i> gasping rapidly</i> ) Living and unliving things are
exchanging properties. The drive of unliving things is stronger than the drive of living things. MAN: The living should never be used to serve the purposes of the dead. (<i> metallic popping,  percolating</i> ) But the dead should, if possible, uh, serve the purposes of the living. MAN: Hey, good news. I think I got you transferred to one of our farms.
Can I work with animals? Well, I think you'll be working with plants for a while. Out in the open, where you can touch the ground. I want to be with something living. The ground is living. The earth is still alive. Do you have any agricultural background? I worked in an office. Well, you'll be outside from now on.
Hmm. (<i> eerie, dissonant tones  playing</i> ) Your name is Bruce. My name is Bruce. We're gonna try you on farming for a period, Bruce. Okay. Staff thought you'd be better off. I think you'll like it here. I think I'll like it here. Come on, I'll show you where you're going to be sleeping. You like mountains, Bruce? Look up: Mountains.
No snow, but mountains. I like mountains. The air is good here. (<i> inhales</i> ) I like air. Yeah. We all like air, Bruce. We really do. That we have in common. 4-G. Yours is 4-G. Can you remember that? 4-G. Will I be seeing my friends? What, you mean from back where you were? The Santa Ana facility? Mm-hmm.
 Mike and Laura, and Mike and Eddie, and.... The people from the residence facilities... they don't come out to the farms, Bruce. See, these are closed operations. Closed operations. But, you know, you might get back up there a... couple times a year. You know, there are gatherings, you know, at Christmas and, uh, see, the next one is Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving. So you might see them in, uh, three months. Hmm. (<i> indistinct conversations</i> ) Hey, Audrey. Glad you could meet. (<i> sighs</i> ) So tell me, are they getting paranoid about him? No, not at all. The guy's so burnt-out. And we're still convinced they're growing the stuff? They have to be.
 Who else? Or I... I just wonder if it even matters at this... It matters... Audrey. It matters when we can prove that New-Path is the one growing, manufacturing and distributing. How does he look? I mean, do you think he's going to be able to pull through for us? I guess all we can do is hope that when he finally gets in there a few...
charred brain cells will flicker on and some distant instinct will kick in. (<i> whispering</i> ): Shit. That's just such a cost to pay. Yeah... But there's no other way to get in there. I couldn't, and think of how long I tried. They got that place locked up tight. They're only gonna let a burnt-out husk like Bruce in.
Harmless. You have to be, or they won't take the risk. (<i> whispering</i> ): Yeah, but to sacrifice someone? A living person, without them ever knowing it? I mean, if he'd understood, if he had volunteered... but he doesn't know and he never did. He didn't volunteer for this. Sure he did. It was his job. It wasn't his job to get addicted.
We took care of that. Look, Mike, I got to get out. I-I-I can't do this again. I-I want it to end. I-I... lay in bed at night and I can't sleep. And I just think, "Shit, we are colder than they are." I don't think so. You know, I believe God's M.O. is to transmute evil into good, and if he's active here, he's doing that now...
although our eyes can't perceive it. The whole process is hidden beneath the surface of our reality, it'll only be revealed later. And even then... the people of the future, our children's children, will never truly know this awful time that we have gone through and the losses we took. Well, maybe some footnote in a minor history book...
a brief mention with no list of the fallen. (<i> pump clicking quietly</i> ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (<i> footsteps rustling  through foliage</i> ) You're seeing the flower of the future. But not for you, Bruce. Not for me? No, you've had too much of a good thing already. (<i> laughs</i> ) Get up, get up. Uh, stop worshipping.
This isn't your god anymore, although it once was. Gone. Flowers gone. No, you just can't see them. Back to work. I saw. (<i> mock cheerfulness</i> ): Back to work, Bruce. "I saw Death rising from the earth... "...from the ground itself... "in one... blue field." (<i> slow, melancholy theme plays</i> ) A present for my friends at Thanksgiving.
♪ ♪ (<i> theme building  into hopeful melody</i> ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
(<i> electronic blipping,  whirring</i> ) (<i> fast-tempo electronica  intro begins</i> ) ♪ ♪ ♪ What will grow crooked, you can't make straight ♪ ♪ It's the price that you gotta pay ♪ ♪ Do yourself a favor and pack your bags ♪ ♪ Buy a ticket and get on the train ♪ ♪ Buy a ticket and get on the train ♪ ♪ 'Cause this is fucked up ♪ ♪ Fucked up ♪ ♪ 'Cause this is fucked up ♪
♪ Fucked up ♪ ♪ People get crushed like biscuit crumbs ♪ ♪ And laid down in the bitumen ♪ ♪ You have tried your best to please everyone ♪ ♪ But it just isn't happenin' ♪ ♪ No, it just isn't happenin' ♪ ♪ And it's fucked up ♪ ♪ Fucked up ♪ ♪ And this is fucked up ♪ ♪ Fucked up ♪ ♪ This is your blind spot ♪ ♪ Blind spot ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ You are fucked up ♪ ♪ Fucked up ♪ ♪ This is fucked up ♪ ♪ Fucked up ♪ ♪ Be your black swan ♪ ♪ Black swan ♪ ♪ I'm for spare parts ♪ ♪ Broken up. ♪ <font color="#FFFF00"> Captioning sponsored by  WARNER BROS.</font> Captioned by<font color="#00FFFF">  Media Access Group at WGBH  access.wgbh.org</font> (<i> song ends</i> )


 

MALLRATS SCRIPT

 Mallrats - YouTube


Transcripts:

 <i> BRODIE:  One time, my cousin Walter  got this cat stuck in his ass.</i> <i> True story. He bought it  at our local mall so the whole  fiasco wound up on the news.</i>    <i> It was embarrassing</i>    <i> for my relatives and all.</i>    <i> But the next week,</i>    <i> he did it again.</i>  <i> Different cat, same results,</i>  <i> complete with another trip</i>  <i> to the emergency room.

</i> <i> So I run into him a week later  in the mall  and he's buying another cat.</i>  <i> And I says to him,</i>  <i> "Jesus, Walt,</i>  <i> what are you doing?</i>  <i> "You know you're just going</i>  <i> to get this cat stuck</i>  <i> in your ass, too.</i>  <i> "Why don't you knock it off?"</i>   <i> And he said to me, "Brodie,</i>   <i> how the hell else</i>  <i> "am I supposed</i>  <i> to get the gerbil out?"</i>   <i> My cousin was a weird guy.

</i>   <i> (SOCIAL</i>   BY SQUIRTGUN PLAYING)   (CAR DOOR OPENING)

 Brandi Svenning, come on down.  I'm taking your ass  to Florida.  Let's go.  Where's your luggage? Come on,  the plane leaves in an hour. T.S., did you see Julie Dwyer last night?  Yeah, saw her  at the video store.  She was talking about  being on your dad's  stupid game show.  Oh, my God,  he's not here, is he?  Yeah, he's inside.

T.S., did you tell her that every time you're on TV, you look 10 pounds heavier?  Yeah, well, I told her  that the way TV shows  are shot sometimes  makes you look a lot fatter  than you are in real life.  Why, what did she do,  call up and cancel? No, not exactly.  T.S., you know that  Julie had a huge  weight problem in school.

  She had the fattest ass.  And when you said that  to her she went straight out to the YMCA and started doing laps. It's because she wanted to be fit for the show tonight  and well in the middle of her 700th lap  this embolism popped  in her brain  and she dropped dead.   Right in mid-backstroke.  She's fucking dead?  Then her sister  told her parents why  she was doing all the laps   and it got back   to my father and...

 Shit, T.S.,  he's really pissed  at you.  I mean, it's awful  about Julie's death   and now, he doesn't even   have a female contestant   for his show.  Well, can't you calm him down  or something?  Well, I've done that.  Thank God. How?   I told him   I'd do the show.   Good. What?  Wait a minute. No.  We're leaving for Florida.

 T.S., I can't go,  I've got to stay here.  No, I've got something  planned for Florida.   No, we've gotta go.  But, T.S., I'm doing this  to get you out of trouble  with my father. Help him out of a bind, which, you know, you kind of...  Well, at least  a little responsible for.  I bet he's as happy as a pig  in shit that you're not  going away with me.

 Are you kidding?  He's absolutely devastated  about Julie.   <i> (MUSIC PLAYING)</i>  (SIGHS)  (GRUNTS)  I can't believe you!  Brandi, the guy hates me.  You know, I bet  he sees this tragedy  as an excellent opportunity  as a way to keep you  from going away with me.   Would you calm down?   I mean,   you're being a complete ass.

 (GRUNTS)  (SIGHS)  Sometimes, I almost forget  that you're such  a daddy's girl.  It makes me sick.  Well, you know  what I think is sick?  This relationship.  Come on, I thought we weren't  going to go through this  make-up,  break-up shit anymore. Yeah, well, you can just forget about making up.   You know, you are exactly   like my father.

  It's always   about what you need,   what you've got planned screw everybody else, my shit is more important.   You're as thoughtless   and self-absorbed as he is. In fact, the two of you have so much in common I think you should date each other.  Brandi, wait.  (DOOR CLOSING)  (GRUNTS)   <i> (MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)</i>  Sweet fucking Christ,  would you knock it off?  God!  What?   (SIGHS)  What time is it?  9:30.

 Man, go back to sleep!  (SIGHING)  Thank Christ.   What the hell are you doing?  Finishing my game. No. You promised me breakfast.  Breakfast!  Breakfast, shmeckfast.  Look at the score,  for God's sake.  I'm only in the middle  of the second  and I'm winning 12 to 2.  Breakfasts come and go, Rene.  Now Hartford, the Whale?  They only beat Vancouver once,  maybe twice, in a lifetime.

 You hit the bathroom already?   Don't worry. I didn't let   your mother see me.  Who's worried?  Are you kidding me?   I've never met a person   who lives in as much fear   of his mother as you do.  I do not.  So that's why  I have to sneak in here  after everyone's asleep  at night and sneak out  undetected in the morning?  You want I should  tell my mother what we do  in here at night?   That you play videogames   and I fall asleep   unfulfilled?  Go ahead. It beats  the sneaking-around shit.

 What can I say?  She doesn't like you.  You've never even  introduced me to her.  Yeah, 'cause you're always  in the goddamned bathroom,  all right?  What the hell do you do  in there all the time?   You really want to know?  I asked, didn't I?  I'm playing the role  of the concerned guy.  I cry.   You cry?  I cry.

 Any particular reason?  (GLASS SHATTERING)  Hey.  I think about the people  that make decisions  that affect our lives.  The doctors  who make advancements  in curing diseases.   The engineer   that designs skyscrapers.   The guy that maps out   a plane's flight path.  The navigator.  I think about how those people  are out there every day  making a difference,  leading big lives   (DRAWER CRASHING)  and how they refuse to be  intimidated by the tremendous  odds of failure they face.

 And how they only  concern themselves with peers  and company that apply   to their goals   and noble causes. Jesus! I'd hate to tell you what I think about when I'm in the bathroom.  I think about all that  and I cry  (SIGHS)  because I have nothing better  to do than fuck you.   <i> (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)</i>  (DOG BARKING)  You're dumping me?  Is this because  I didn't introduce you  to my mother?  You're a fickle broad.

 Holy shit!  If it isn't <i> mon frΓ¨re.</i>   Usual vault rules apply:   touch not,   lest ye be touched.  You're such  an anal-retentive bastard.  I tried to teach you  how to handle comics  in the sixth grade, but no  you wanted to play  Little League instead.   What's that?  Like it? I framed it  before you got here.

  Oh, my God!   Rene dumped you!  Hell hath no fury  like a woman scorned for Sega.  Wow! Look at this laundry list  of complaints.  You have no direction,  no college ambition,  no job prospects.   Yeah. It also says   I have no dick.  But you'll notice that follows  the financial question,  proving once more  what women really look for.

 Wow, she calls you callow  in here.  You say that like it's bad.   It means frightened   and weak-willed.  Really?  Shit. That was the only part  of the letter  I thought was complimentary. Yeah, well, you're lucky.  Unlike you, I didn't even  get a letter filled  with obscure adjectives.  What are you telling me here?   I, too, now am   in the framing business.

 Holy shit!  Brandi dumped you.  Wait a second, aren't you two  supposed to go to Florida?   Should've left this morning.   It gets worse. I was gonna propose to her.  Where?  On the Universal tour.  You're kidding! What part?  When Jaws  pops out of the water.  That's the most romantic thing  I've ever heard.

 Too bad I'm not trying  to marry you.  Let me ask you something.  Did you ever fart  in front of her?   (SNICKERING) Why do you ask?  I never farted  in front of Rene,  not once, all right?  Then last week I let one slip.  Today she dumps me.  You think that that's why  Rene dumped you?  She's not  the shallow type, Brodie.

 She was going down  on me at the time.  Shut up!  What can I say?  I was feeling very relaxed.  When I'm relaxed,  I squirt.  (EXCLAIMS)  If all she did  was dump you,  you got off light.  I can't believe this shit.  Why are we sitting here  trying to figure out  where we went wrong  with our significant others?  We just nailed it,  in your case.

 No, there is something  out there that can help ease  our simultaneous double loss. Ritual suicide?  No, you idiot.  The fucking mall!   I prefer ritual suicide.  Come on, man! It'll be great.  They got these new cookies  at the cookie stand.  You have to try them,  they're awesome.   (EXCLAIMING)   I love the smell of commerce   in the morning! (INHALES)  You're really  making that last.

  Waste not, want not.  What, you want to  say something?  About a million things  but I can't express myself  monosyllabically enough for  you to understand them all.   Asshole!  Prick!  Fuck you!  What the hell  was that all about?  He's a jerk from  Fashionable Male, this upscale  wannabe shop on the 2nd floor.

He's the manager. The guy's always giving me shit.  I've no idea why.  I thought everybody loved you  at this mall.  "F" him! Where do you  want to go first?   Back to Brandi's.  Look, Brandi is the past,  my friend.  She's behind you now. You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage.   You should learn   to heed your own advice.

 Where the hell  did that come from?  What's going on here?  It looks like a stage  is being erected.  What is this monstrosity?  Maybe it's for  the Easter Bunny pictures.  Impossible!  The Easter Bunny Court is down  at the other end of the mall. It's been up since two days after Christmas. I want answers.

 Ask one of the workers.  No, there's a soul  who might know what's up.  Willam.  Willam!  Poopie trim.   Brodie, man,   what's going on?  What, do you work here now?  No, man.  Just hanging with T.S.  T.S.:  Willam, what exactly  are you doing?  Looking for  the hidden picture.   If you stare at these things   long enough,   you're supposed to see  some kind of hidden  three-dimensional picture.

 Oh, yeah, look.  It's a sailboat.  You saw it, too? Dammit!   What?  I've been staring  at this thing   for a week now from opening   till closing and I can't see   a goddamned thing!  You gotta relax your eyes.  Everyone sees this thing  except me.   Today's my day.   I brought a lunch   and a soda  and I'm not gonna leave  until I see this sailboat  everyone keeps talking about.

 So, Willam,   would you happen to know   what this stage business   is all about? It's not a stage!  I'm gonna see it  if I have to go blind trying.  No man,  this stage over here.  That thing? I think  some game show  in the mall today.   I think it's going to   be on TV. It's called   <i> Truth or Date</i> or something.

 Oh, my God!  That's Brandi's father's  game show. What is it?  It's this cheesy <i> Dating Game</i>  rip-off thing.  Supposed to be  for college kids.  Just trying to capture  the '90s youth market with  a staple of '70s television.  Why can't they bring back  or remake good shows  like <i> BJ and the Bear?</i>  Now there's a concept  I can't get enough of:  a man and his monkey.

 Would you guys shut up? You're breaking my concentration.  Sorry, Willam. Now I have to start all over again.  Good luck with that thing.   Remember,   relax your eyes.  (PEOPLE CHATTERING)  Wow, a sailboat!   Shut up! (SIGHS)  Could this week  get any worse?  Now she's going to be  auctioned off on live TV  from a mall.

 Not "a" mall,  all right? "The" mall.  Show some respect.  It doesn't have to  go down like that,  if we trash the thing.  There's a unique way  of getting back  in her good graces,  by ruining her father's show.  You're a clever one.   I can get someone   to do it for us.   We'll be blame-free   and Brandi won't be able   to do the show.

 Who is this imaginary  hatchet man?  Hatchet men.  Knock it off! Kitty, kitty, kitty!   Kitty, kitty, kitty!   Hey, Jay!  Brodie, man!  Nootchy nootchies!  And look at this shit.  The mad, fat, chick-killer.  I can't believe how fast  word travels in this town.   Excellent. What's he doing?   Shithead here watched  <i> Empire</i> and <i> Jedi</i> last week  and ever since,  he's been trying to do  the Jedi mind trick.

 Crazy fuck thinks  he'll levitate shit with  his thoughts. Knock it off!  The Force is strong  with this one.  Dude, don't encourage him.  So I was telling T.S. here  we gotta find Jay  and Silent Bob. If there's anyone that can help us out  it's the two guys  that have even less  to do than us.  What is this shit?  Everyone's looking  for us today.

 We're ducking Tricia 'cause  she wants to talk to Obi-Wan  about her video set-up.  Why him?   Silent Bob's   an electrical genius.  He won the science fair  in eighth grade by turning  his mom's vibrator  into a CD player,  using chicken wire and shit.  Motherfucker's like MacGyver.

  No, motherfucker's  better than MacGyver!   Knock it off!   And it's that kind of smarts   we need, right, mopey?  Leave me out of this.  We need you to embark  on a little sabotage mission  on behalf of T.S.'s love life.   (SCATTING)  You know about  this game show thing  they've got going on here?  We need you guys  to somehow ensure  that it doesn't happen.

Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.  Really? Why?  What else are we gonna do?  Silent Bob just stole  the schematic of the stage  from some foolish carpenter   and found a weakness,   just like   the fucking Death Star.  He figures if you  pull this crossbeam out  fucking bickety-bam,  the whole stage  comes crashing down.

 We were thinking  about something simple,  but if you want  to destroy the stage,  we're all for that.  Only problem is LaFours.  Who's LaFours?  You don't know who LaFours is?  They don't know  who LaFours is!  He's only  the most feared security guard  in the business, man.  460 collars, all convicted.  I hear  he's even got two kills.

 Holy shit! I never thought  I'd see the day  when two such highly reputable  mischief-makers  as yourselves  douse their drawers  at the sight  of a mall security guard.   Shit, bitch! We're gonna   bust out that stage   like a high-school kegger.  We're just gonna  outwit LaFours, X-Men style.  Should I call you Logan,  Weapon X?  (HOARSELY)  No, Wolverine!  Snicky, snicky, snoine.

  What he's doing is imitating   Wolverine's berserker attack   with his Adamantium claws.  I never would have guessed.   All right, guys.   You have your mission,  go forth and wreak havoc. Bye, baby kitties.   Damn, Silent Bob,   show some heart.  Pss, pss, pss.  That's better.  We're on the job.  Thanks.  I have to admit  I'm shocked you didn't try  to dissuade them.

 I would if I actually thought  for a second  they could pull it off. Ye of little faith, want a cookie?  (BIRD CAWING)  (DRILLING MACHINE WHIRRING)  What's he doing?  If you stare at this poster  for a few seconds,  a hidden picture appears.  BOTH:  Can we do it? Please?  TEACHER:  All right, go ahead,  but hurry,  the Easter Bunny's waiting.

 Wow, it's a schooner! You dumb bastard! It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat.  A schooner is a sailboat,  stupidhead.   You know what?   There is no Easter Bunny!   Over there is just   a guy in a suit!  (WOMEN CHATTERING)  But they're engaged.  It doesn't matter,  it can't happen.  Why not?  It's bound to come up.

 It's impossible.  Lois could never have  Superman's baby.  Do you think  her fallopian tubes  can handle his sperm?  I guarantee he blows a load  like a shotgun,  right through her back.  What about her womb?  Do you think  it's strong enough  to carry his child?  Sure. Why not?  He's an alien,  for Christ's sake!  His Kryptonian  biological makeup is enhanced  by Earth's yellow sun.

 If Lois gets a tan,  the kid could kick  right through her stomach.  Only someone like Wonder Woman  has a strong enough uterus  to carry his kid.  The only way  he could bang regular chicks  is with a Kryptonite condom.  But that would kill him. How did I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi  to Man of Steel coital debates  with you in the food court?  Cookie stand is not part  of the food court.

  Of course it is.  The food court is downstairs,  the cookie stand is upstairs.  It's not like we're talking  quantum physics here.  The cookie stand counts  as an eatery, the eatery's  a part of the food court.  Bullshit. Eateries that  operate within the designated  square downstairs  qualify as food court.

 Anything outside  of said designated square  is considered  an autonomous unit  for mid-mall snacking.  Now if you're gonna  wax intellectual  about the subject...   Holy shit!   Wait here.   Where are you going?   <i> Cherchez la femme.</i>  That would look terrible  on you.  Didn't I dump your ass  this morning?  Look, I know you've had  some time to think about  the mistake you've made  and I just want  to let you know  you don't have to apologize.

 I'm sure you were just PMSing  or something. Brodie, what kills me about you is your inability to function  on the same plane  of existence  as the rest of us. Piss off.  Okay. I see you want  to continue with this charade  of ending our union.  Fine, I'll play along.  But if we're divorced,  we're gonna have to divide  our mutual possessions.

 What the hell  are you talking about?  You have  my <i> Punisher War Journal #6,</i>  my copy of <i> Fletch</i>  and the remote control  to my TV.  I know it's gonna be hard  to give this stuff up because  of its sentimental attachment. Sentimental attachment? If I have any of that crap,  it's because  you brought it over  to my house and left it there.

Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.   For what? For the mall. I figure you can have the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends.   When there's   any special function like   a sidewalk sale, boat show...  Brodie. Brodie!  I have always taken you  with a grain of salt.

 On your birthday,  when you asked me  to do a striptease  to the theme  from <i> Mighty Mouse,</i>  I said okay.  When we were at that hotel,  prom night  and you asked me to sleep  underneath the bed  in case your mother burst in,  I did it.  And even when we were  at my grandmother's funeral  when you told  most of my relatives  that you could see her nipples  through her burial dress,  I let it slide.

 If you think that  I'm gonna suffer any more  of your shit with a smile  now that we're broken up,  you're in for some serious  fucking disappointment.  What?  JAY:  Phase one: First,  you take a run at LaFours  with a sock full of quarters.  I'd do it, but I pulled  my back out humping  your mom last night. Nudge.

 You clock him on his headpiece  and knock his ass out cold.  That's when  phase two kicks in.  I attack the structure  Wolvie-berserk style and  knock out the fucking pin  and bickety-bam,  the motherfucker's rubble.  Hence, no game show.  (COINS CLANKING) (EXCLAIMS)

 T.S.:  What? Do you know that kid  or something?  I hope his pants get caught  and a bloodbath ensues. What is with you today?  Don't get me wrong.  I don't wish the kid harm,  but his mother should suffer  that horrific ordeal  so she'll learn  how to manage her child.   That's sort of   a harsh lesson,   don't you think?  There's not a year goes by  that I don't read about  an escalator accident  involving some bastard kid  that could've been  easily avoided  had some parent,  I don't care which one,  but some parent,  conditioned him

 to fear and respect  that escalator!  Wow! Look who it is. Jerk!  Little Tricia Jones!  What's a pretty girl  like you  doing sitting alone  in the middle of this  monument to consumerism? Updating my calendar and waiting for Jay and Silent Bob.  And I suppose you're here  with no agenda, as per usual.  On the contrary,  I'm here for comics.

 T.S. Quint, Tricia Jones.  They call her Trish the Dish.  Nobody calls me that.  Our little Tricia here  is only 15 but somehow  she's a senior.  How'd you manage that?  (SLURPING)  Don't listen to him.  I studied my ass off. Yeah, right.  So what do you say?  You wanna nail T.S.  or what?  Jesus, Brodie!  Calm down.

  Tricia's compiling data  for this book she's writing  about the sex drive of men  ages 14 to 30.  If I remember correctly,  it's titled <i> Bore-gasm:</i>  <i> A Study of the '90s Male's</i>  <i> Sexual Prowess.</i>  Ready to get sick?  Tell him about the advance  you got.   Pendant Publishing gave me   $20,000 based on a treatment   and a sample chapter.   You're kidding.

 It's true.  She'll be the youngest author  to tackle the subject.  So Tricia here  sleeps with a bunch of guys  as research.  If that's not enough,  get this:  She videotapes all of them.   What?   I get everybody's consent   before we do it.   Most guys get off on it.  Men are easily amused.   (STUTTERING)   What are you writing   in the calendar?  I was coding  last night's research.

 She means sex.  I know what she meant. What kind of codes? Here, look.   The smiley face is for   when I go down on the guy.  The smiley face with lashes  is for when the guy  goes down on me.   The circle is for   when we have sex. The circle with the "X" in it is for when I have an orgasm.  The little house is  when we do it inside  and the grass is for outside.

 That kid is back  on the escalator again!   How old was   last night's subject,   if you don't mind me asking?   Twenty-five. It was the guy   who runs that store   Fashionable Male. Holy shit! You slept with that asshole? Why?  I needed a 25-year-old.  And he has quite a distaste  for you, I might add.  He mentioned me during sex?  Afterwards.

  He says he wants   to kick your ass. I'd steer   clear of him, if I were you.  Tell me you videotaped him  saying that.  No.  I shut the camera off  after the sex.   You should have   heard the stuff   he wanted to do.  I'm having a hard time  with this.   Do your parents   know about this?   Of course.  That's remarkable.

 That's criminal. That kid...  That kid is back  on the escalator again!   Leave it alone.   What?  So, I heard you were going  to propose to Brandi Svenning  in some theme park.  When are men going to learn  that women want romance?   Not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.  Be fair, all right?  Everyone wants  Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.  We gotta go.

(SIGHS)  Remember my offer.  I'm young, virile, sensitive  to a woman's needs...  Somehow I doubt it, Sega-boy.   Good luck   with the comic-book store. "Sega-boy." God, Rene's got a big mouth! What does that mean, "Good luck with the comic-book store"?  How does that junior Masters  and Johnson know  about my proposal?  It's not like  she's in an exclusive club  or anything.

 What are you talking about?  Sean Hartle's giving everyone  the inside scoop.  What? What's he saying?  How her father made her do  the game show so you  couldn't take her to Florida.  Now, what the hell  is this shit?  What do you got to do  to get comics  around this place?   One side, Red.  What the hell's going on here?  I was warned about you.

 Take it easy  before I have you removed... Warned?  What the fuck  are you talking about? Tell him, Steve Dave.  Fuck you, fan-boy!  Would you  testosterone-seething,  He-Man comic book fans  finish up with this tough-guy  back-and-forth?  I got some questions  I need answered.  Look, who's in there?  You got to ask me nicely.

 Fuck this.  (WHISTLE BLOWING)  Jesus Christ!  Get the hell off of him.  Come on.   You fuckers think just   'cause a guy reads comics   he can't start some shit?   I'll fucking take   all of you on!  MAN:  Somebody get a medic!  There's a little boy  caught in the escalator!   Come back here   and arrest this goon!  You're fucking next, man.

 Jesus, Brodie!  I'm not going anywhere  until I find out  why I can't get my comics. All right.   Excuse me.  Don't hit me.  Why is there a line? Stan Lee is signing comics.  Stan Lee?  JAY:  Okay, Lunchbox,  let's try this again.  We tie you to the roof,  you jump  and sail like a Spitfire   passing right over   the arch-nemesis LaFours.

 You then swing up to the stage  and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl.  You got it? Now,  get your fat ass out there!   And, dude,   don't forget your helmet.   Snoogins. Fly, fat-ass, fly!  What the fuck?

 You fucker!   WOMAN:   Security?   Is it alive? Yeah.  This is Popular Girl.  We just had something crash  through the wall.  Stan Lee! How does something  as big as the creator  of the most important titles  in comics history  coming to my mall get by me?  I must be slipping  in my old age.  The name amongst names.

 There's a million questions  I'd love to ask him. Her father! I knew this game show thing was just a beard for an attempt to break us up.  Why can't he just  leave us alone and let us  follow through with our plans?  What kind of man  are you, anyway?  I'm talking comics  and you bring up chicks  and romance?  While we're on the subject,  why the hell do you want  to get married now, anyway?  You're still in college.

 I was just gonna propose. The wedding wouldn't be till after we graduate.  Waste of time,  if you ask me.  My grandmother always said,  "Why buy the cow  "when you get the sex  for free?"  She did?  All the time.  Of course,  she became a lesbian  on her 60th birthday,  but that's beside the point.  Where the hell  are these two going  in such a hurry? Is he gone?  Halfway to Buy Me Toys  by now.

 JAY:  Damn, that bastard's faster  than Walt Flanagan's dog.  BRODIE:  What's with all the running?  What the hell happened to him?  The human brown-eye here  is a walking calamity.  We'll have to take a pass on  the stage-trashing business,  otherwise he's liable  to kill himself. Sorry, bro.  No hard feelings.

  Isn't that Rene?  BRODIE:  She's probably looking for me.  I better go talk to her.  T.S.: I don't know.  She's with somebody.  Wait a minute, isn't that...  The asshole  from Fashionable Male!  Son of a bitch!  My God! You think  that they're...  Could be. It'll explain  why he hates me so much.  And there's only one way  to find out.

 Can you run interference  with the lug? What are you gonna do?  Get some answers.   You work   at the Fashionable Male,   don't you?  Yeah? So?   That's a great store   you got there.  Thanks. Listen, I'm trying  to spend my lunch hour  with my lady friend here.  So why don't you beat it?  (CLEARS THROAT) That's your girlfriend? Right there? (CLICK TONGUE)  If you don't stop gawking  at me and get the hell out  of here, I'll kick your ass.

 Haven't you ever  heard the phrase,  "The customer's always right"?  Let me tell you  a little secret: The customer's always an asshole!  Jesus Christ!  What the hell  gives with the cover boy?  None of your damn business.  He'd kick your ass  if he knew about this. Are you insane? The guy looks like a date rapist!  Is that my jacket?  Start the elevator.

 Not until you tell me  what the situation is with you  and the Sperminator out there.  How long has this been  going on?  Since I finally  mustered the good sense  to send you packing.  He's a much more  suitable companion  than you, any day. Are you nuts?   The guy's pure testosterone!   He's a walking hard-on,   looking for a hole!  I need testosterone  after babysitting you and  your comic book collection.

 I forgot  what real men were like.   I can't believe you have   the nerve to come to my mall   and pick up guys!  No,  Shannon did the picking up.  He's already taken me to lunch  at the Cheese Haus  purchased tickets  for the opera night  and took me to stores I like!  I took you shopping  all the time!  You took me  where you went shopping, jerk!  Do you think I care   what rat-hole store   in that shit-pit   you call the dirt mall  has got  the latest <i> Godzilla</i> bootlegs?  You call eating pizza  in the same dive pizzeria  every night eating out?

 Do I give a shit when  two major comic labels are  crossing over characters  and selling two editions  of the book  in varied-ink chromium covers?  I'm a girl, damn it!  I want to do girly things  like fix someone's hair  and get romantic phone calls.   I call you all the time! "Rene, my mom's asleep. Come over.

" You call that romantic?  When was the last time  you pulled out my chair  or told me I was beautiful?  This guy does all this  in the span of a day!  This guy already introduced me  to his mother.  Really?  He was up and at work  by 9:00 this morning.  Unlike my ex-boyfriend,  who would sleep until 1:00,  'cause he played Sega  and watched videos  all night long!  Which, by the way,  has enormous effect  on your libido.

 Now you attack my libido?  There's no libido to attack.   No libido to attack?  You're sure you saw her  get on, right?  Maybe she was getting off. (GRUNTS) Ow.  Sorry. It's all right.  (MIMICKING DISCO BEATS)  There,  that was romantic, right?  Passionate, yeah.  No, Brodie.  That was too little, too late.  Too little? You said it was a good size.

 The effort, you retard.  The effort was too little,  too late.  But now that you mention it,  when a girl says  it's a good size  it's a nice way of saying  that it's small.  (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)  Hey!   I'm gonna kill   that son of a bitch.  No, forget about him.  He just wanted to give me  something that he forgot  to give me a long time ago.

 He's harmless now. Okay? Fine. I gotta get back to the store. Let's go.  (BOTH PANTING)  Right there  in the elevator?  I don't know  what came over me.  She challenged my libido.   I felt obligated   to defend myself   against her accusations.  It's not like  you still wanted her.   Not in the least.   I'm over her.

 Holy shit!  You really love that girl.  Yeah, right.  No, I never noticed it before,  but she really  fuels your engine.  You have this new glow  about you.  I don't have a glow.  You do. You're glowing.  If I have a glow  it's because just I got laid.  I'd look the same if I banged  anyone in that elevator,  present company excluded.

 Deny it all you want.  I think you're too proud  to admit you want her back.   I suddenly want something   very bad to happen to you.  What is your problem?  I don't understand. (GROANS)   Gwen! I'm sorry.  You fucker!   See! That's what you get   for fucking with me. Hey, Gwen, he didn't really mean to hit you.

 He's got a funny way  of showing it, by elbowing me  in my frigging tit!  Why the hell are you glowing?  I'm not glowing.  Brandi dumped him. (GROANING) Would you stop saying that?  I know. I heard. You heard? How?  She told me. I ran into her  a few minutes ago.  Really? Where?  By the stage.   (GROANING)  Do you want me to rub it?  Work with me, people,  would you please?  No, I don't want this here.

 I want it toward the front.  The rug keeps popping up.  If I put the podium there,  it'll stay down. (CLINCHING) Move it!  (GRUNTING)  Mr. Svenning! Give me the podium! You put the podium down over here... Like this.   You stamp the carpet down   with your feet.   You speak English?  Like this.   (GRUNTS) Mr. Svenning! Let me help you up.

  Get off! Move!  Here, let me help you.  (GRUNTS)  All right,  where's Brandi?   Let go of me!  Where's Brandi?  (SIGHS)  You're fired.  You get the hell out of here. Get off my set!  Where is she?   You are out of her life.  Now, you stay  out of her business and mine,  understand me?   Come on, people.

   Are we working here?  Get the backdrop ready.  Are those lights ready to go?  MAN:  Okay, Mr. Svenning.  Excuse me.   Go on the other side   and put the podium   over the bad spot   in the carpet, okay?  The hole? Please. Go. Now. So, you made her dump me and now you're going to auction her off   in an effort to better   further your own career?  Not that  it's any of your concern,  but Brandi agreed  to be on <i> Truth or Date.

</i>  After that shit you pulled  last night, I think she's even  looking forward to it.  It'll give her a chance  to find herself a decent guy.  Somebody with a brain.  You admit it?  You are behind  our break-up. Admit it?  Hell, I'm as proud of it  as I am  of this game show here.  Listen to me.  It's over between you two.

  The sooner you get that,   the better off   we're all gonna be.  Understand me? You don't.  Guard, come here.  Get this guy off of my set.   If he gives you any shit,   you have my permission   to castrate him.  T.S.: You can't do this!  I just did. Get me LaFours.  Right away, sir.   Well, go on! How about these?  Very sexy.

That sounded convincing.  I'm preoccupied.  T.S., she told you.  She's just doing it  as a favor to her father.   Regardless.  It's not like  she'll fuck the guy  on public access.   She might as well. You're overreacting again.   That's why   your relationships fail.   It's certainly why ours did.  You got bent out of shape  the same way over that  costume party in high school.

 You fucked Rick Derris  on a pool table!  With everyone watching,  no less.   It was a costume party, T.S.   No one could tell it was me.  Besides, who else but you  remembers shit like that?  I would've been a sexy chick. Do you remember that costume party?  Might that have been the one  where you banged Rick Derris  on the pool table?  Nobody remembers  shit like that?  How is it that you recall  the most trivial events?  I'll never forget it.  How many chances do you get to  see Smokey fuck the Bandit?

Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds? BOTH: Except for the moustache.  You know, they have  a whole room  you're supposed to do that in?  Some pervert wanted to  see me naked so badly today   he busted in on me twice   while I was trying on stuff.  This saves him the effort.  How much longer are we  gonna be in this  chick store, anyway?  I'm starting to get  a mean hard-on.

 Brodie, Tell me about  the Rene break-up.  I threw her away  like a parking ticket.  Don't front, Brodie.  I talked to Rene's cousin  this morning.  It was vice-versa.   They certainly aren't   acting broken up. Go ahead. Ask him about the elevator. Tell me about the elevator.  It goes up and down.  Rene seems so coarse, anyway.

  What was it like to date her?  Ever slept with somebody?  Uh, yeah.  I mean,  really slept with somebody.   Beside them,   not just fuck them   on a gaming table. We slept together one time, remember, in high school? That ski trip?  That was you?  Yes, Brodie,  I've slept beside many people. All right.  You know how when someone lays  with their back to you  and you lay behind them  really close and you throw  one arm over them?   It's called spooning.

 But you gotta put  the other arm somewhere.  You can either lay on it  or just shove it  in between your bodies.  The only other option is  to stretch it above your head.  But sometimes my arm pops out  of the socket when  I'm sleeping like that.  So, I was constantly searching  for someplace  to keep my arm  while still laying  close to her.

 And?  What do you mean, "And"?  That's like a metaphor for  our whole relationship.  I'm all out. I'll meet you  at the food court.   (SOBBING)   I know exactly how he feels.   Excuse me.   Fill this with Coke, no ice.  Want a sip of my soda?   (GROANS)  Smartass ex-boyfriend.  I got two things to tell you.  One: I don't like you.

 I see you every week  in this mall. I don't like shiftless layabouts. You're one of these fucking loser mallrat kids.  You don't come here  to work or shop,  you hang out all day.   Act like you   fucking live here. I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.  Is this what's known as  motivated salesmanship? Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless.

 Now, you see, Bruce,  I like to pick up girls  on the rebound from  a disappointing relationship.   They're more vulnerable,   they're in much more   need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion.  And I use that suggestion  to fuck them someplace  very uncomfortable.  What,  like the back of a Volkswagen? No, like somewhere girls dread.

 Did we ever get along?  Once or twice. How come we went out as long as we did?  You had cable.  So, are you gonna stay  for the show?  Absolutely not.  As soon as he gets back here,  I'm gone.   T.S. Quint. Where's your   sense of chivalry? Oh, my God! Is that Brodie?  You're fucking kidding?  The Easter Bunny did this?  All I said was  the Easter Bunny   at the Menlo Park mall   was more convincing.

  He just jumped the railing   and knocked me down.  He's fucking dead!  Let it go.  He's under a lot of pressure.  What the hell happened to him? The guy in the Easter Bunny suit kicked his ass.  I had it coming.   Fuck all that shit.   Come on, Silent Bob.   What really happened?  The proprietor of  Fashionable Male beat  a rain check into my stomach.

 Shannon Hamilton?  You know that guy? I went out with him after we dated.  He tried to screw me somewhere  very uncomfortable once.  What,  like the back of a Volkswagen?   Sounds like his M.O. Can you get up?  Am I still glowing?  You're barely breathing.  Was Rene involved  in any of this? This was an independent act of aggression.

 He told me that his intentions  were to penetrate  my ex-girlfriend  in the most notorious  of body cavities.  Sounds just like him.  You better tell Rene.  Let him do whatever  the hell he wants.   If she's not smart enough   to see him for what he is,   she deserves the discomfort.  I, on the other hand, have had  just about all the discomfort  I can stand for a day.

  Shit, I'm late. I gotta go.  You're just gonna leave  with him in this condition?  I gotta split.  You gonna be okay?  Couple of pins in the hip,  I'll be good as new.   That's my boy.   Bye, guys. Be good.  Women, always leaving you when  you've just had the crap  kicked out of you.  You look like  you're gonna live to me.  You stay here.

 I gotta hit the bathroom. Please, don't say "hit!"   <i> (MUSIC PLAYING)</i> EASTER BUNNY: All right, honey.   Don't forget to look for   your Easter eggs on Sunday.  Bye-bye, Easter Bunny.  EASTER BUNNY:  All right, who's next?  It's hot in this goddamn suit!  Hey, guys. Wait in line  like everybody else.

What the hell is this?   This is for Brodie. (EASTER BUNNY GRUNTING)  (KIDS GASPING) (KIDS SCREAMING)  He's here.   What? Him and Brodie. Don't sweat it, though. He's leaving.  He seems really broken up  over this whole thing.  BRANDI:  Maybe because we're broken up  for good this time.  I remember when I dumped T.S.  I was all right with it till  he started dating you.

 A little jealousy residue?  I thought so at first.  Then I realized  it was more than that. When I saw how he was with you,  how well you two  complemented each other, it finally hit me that T.S. is a great catch.  Gwen, you were always  cheating on him. Capricious youth?  Doesn't mean  I wasn't regretful about it.

 Jesus, Gwen.  The last thing I need  at this point  is a lecture on my love life.   All I'm saying is that   the really good guys are   few and far between.   In fact,   I haven't met one since T.S.   Even if I did meet one,   I guarantee I'd use him as   the basis for my comparison.  You can have him  if you want him.

 Believe me,  I might consider trying  if he weren't so  hung up on you. Well, I gotta get home.  Have a great show.  Okay. Bye.   Chocolate-covered pretzel?  This is Roddy,  Mr. Svenning's assistant.  Mr. Svenning would like to  have a word with you.  Where? These are melting.  Copy that. By the stage.  Tell him I'll be there  in a minute.

 What do you think?  I don't trust it.  Maybe he's calmed down  a little bit.  We'll talk reasonably.   Reasonably, shmeasonably.   You should go over there   and give him shit.  You kidding?  I'm trying to  marry his daughter.  All right, so you can't  scream at him,  but after all he's done you should still kind of stick it to him.

 How do you propose I do that?  You stink-palm him.  Stink-palm?  Take your hand  and you stick it  in your ass like this.  You've been walking all day  and you're also nervous  and no doubt  you're sweaty as hell. You should see yourself right now.   A man with his hand   in his pants.   I probably look like   my old man.

 Now you shake hands  with the guy.  "Hey, Mr. Svenning.  How've you been?"  What's the point?  Know how long it takes  for that smell to come off?  Scrub all you like,  it'll stick around  for at least two days.  How does he explain it  to his colleagues and family?  They'll think he doesn't know  how to wipe his ass properly.

  Meanwhile, you yourself   are left with a hand   that smells like shit? Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.  I think I'll pass.  Do me a favor.  Stay here while  I go talk to him.  I assure you,  tonight's program will  go off without a hitch.  I hope so, Jared,  for your sake. You picked a dangerous mall to host a game show in.

 I hear the Easter Bunny  was accosted this morning.   If there's anything even   remotely resembling  the trouble you had  at the Governor's Ball,  you're gonna be  hosting the Lotto drawing   on public access   the rest of your career.  Gentlemen, please trust me.  I have just taken  the necessary precautions  to insure everything  will go smoothly.

  (THUDDING)  (EXCLAIMING)  Nothing to worry about.  Sound test!  I tell you what. Why don't...  Why don't I meet you back here  around show time?  Somebody said  you wanted to see me?  Quint,  I accept the fact that  you no doubt fucked  my daughter.  The two of you   have been dating long enough   for you to have slimed   your way into her panties  and I'm sure you did just that  at least once or twice  in my own house,  probably while I was at home.

Brandi has a bright future.  She is an extremely  intelligent and capable girl.  And I'm sure that one day  she'll be even more  successful than me.  Maybe.  But you...   You, on the other hand,   have absolutely no ambition.  And no chance of making it  in the real world.   My daughter is   too good for you.

 You will never,  ever be with her.  (GASPS)  If there isn't  anything else...  Hey, fellas!   Well, well, well,   if it isn't my neighbor.  Mr. Svenning, how have you...  Damn! Would you feel that  iron-grip handshake!   Like Burt Reynolds and shit.  So, what's going on here?   T.S. and I were just   discussing a few of   his lesser points.

 Of which he does have many.  Hey! Look at that ring.  What is that?  That is my junior-college  class ring.  Cum laude, '69.  I also hope to come loud  one day, preferably in a 69. (BOTH LAUGHING)  Say, would you like  a chocolate-covered pretzel?  They're a little melty, but,  damn, are they exquisite.  If I remember correctly,  you're a big pretzel fan.

Dark chocolate?  Yeah!   Come on! No, please, no!  They're awesome. Here you go.  Thank you. SVENNING: That's good. Very nice.  Being a man who believes in   "one good turn   deserves another"... I have something   to offer the both of you.  Really, what's that?  What is this? These are called handcuffs. Once I realized you two were in the mall,  I decided to set up  this little ambush  to remove  you and your sidekick here  from the premises,  permanently.

  Why am I his sidekick?   How do you know   he's not my sidekick?  T.S.: You're nothing  but a lot of talk and a badge.  Rene! Get Jay and Silent Bob!  Please!  BRODIE: Hurry!   Did somebody call your name?  I have to go to the bathroom.  Wait here, okay?   Hey, anything for you, babe.   It's your day.  Thanks.

 I'll tell you, what you need  is a fatty-boombatty blunt.  Then I guarantee you see  a sailboat  an ocean, and maybe even some  of them big-titted mermaids  doing lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!   (PANTING)  Dude,  you're a mad chick magnet!  T.S., Brodie, security guards.  Under arrest, they need help!  Go!  Wow. A sailboat.

 Brenda? Dick! This is illegal! You can't arrest us for nothing! All right.  I believe when Mr. LaFours  turns us over to the police   the bag of contraband   that he's "found"   on our persons   will give them   more than enough reason to   keep us locked up.  At least for the duration of  this evening's show.  Isn't that right, Mr.

 LaFours?   (THUDDING)   Come, son of Jor-EI!   Kneel before Zod!   Snootchy bootchies! (SNICKERS)  Vulcan nerve pinch? That was close.  What about that  stink-palm back there?  He even licked his hand.  We gotta disappear, man.  They'll be looking for us. Thank you, man. We owe you one.  You want to hide?  I know just the place.

Whatever. Let's just go.  Don't I even get to  wash my hand first?   What the shit   are we gonna do?  (ELECTRONIC BUZZING)   (SCREAMING)   Come on, we're fucked!   They're right behind us.   Come on!   Yeah! Bad-ass! Yeah!  Where do you get those  wonderful toys?

 T.S.: This is where  we're hiding out?  BRODIE:  This is the dirt mall!   Cops never come in here.  Neither does any  self-respecting consumer. I never could figure out what you saw in this place.  Good buys. Great people.  Earthy aromas. Hey, Walt!  WALT: Brodie!   They know me here.  I wouldn't be  too proud of that.

 Listen to the sound of  defeat in your voice. Might it have to do with the fact that I've been defeated?   Man, you're giving up? You? You used to be a stand-up kind of guy. What happened to that guy? The guy who punched Amanda Gross' mother after she called him "low-class." That wasn't me, that was you.

Oh, yeah. It wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.  No wonder the bitch  went down so fast. You should have boards in them. All right? Bloody savage.   That is one of your more   admirably deplorable traits.  You, unlike me,  would beat up  somebody's grandmother  or an entire senior citizens'  community if you believed  in the principle.

 But only if they  were really old.   Maybe I was deluded.   Maybe you were right   this morning  when you said if something  stupid could change  how she feels she's not into it in the first place.  You'd listen to me?  To something I said?  Jesus! Haven't I made it clear  during the tenure of  our friendship  that I don't know shit?  I mean, half the time  I'm just talking  out of my ass.

 Or sticking my hand in it. Sometimes, but on occasion you've been known to let a nugget of truth slip out.   This morning might have been   one of those occasions.  You know what you need?  Some sage-like advice.  You've given me enough  for one day, thanks.  Not from me, from Ivannah. Who's Ivannah?   I can't even find the words.

 Is that ingenuity or what?  What's palm-reading have to do  with being topless? It makes the news easier to take.  She could tell me  I'll die in 10 minutes   so long as she   told me topless.   Your maleness   amazes me sometimes.  What can I say? I love tits. What kind of people patronize this service?  People like us.

Wait a minute, you're not suggesting...  Don't be such  a damn fundamentalist.  I've already reached  my lowest.  This is where I draw the line.  You used to like tits, too.   I love tits as much   as the next guy, but why pay   some old hag good money  for supernatural chicanery  coupled with sagging,  wrinkled, weathered boobs?  BRODIE: Man, this place is  something out of <i> Octopussy.

</i>  You've come for  a glimpse at your future?  Amongst other things.  Talents like those I possess  are not to be taken lightly.  If you have heart condition,  suffer from nervous nausea  or have a family history  of stress-induced breakdown...   Empire Entertainment   recommends you   do not partake   in the fortune-telling   activities contained within.

  You guys still in?  We're both healthy  and strapping young men. You give me $58.60.   What?   You expect me   to pay for this?  I'm broke. I'll pay you back.  I knew it.  I can't believe you.  I didn't even want to do this.  You'll thank me later.  Thank you.  All right, gentlemen,  free your mind.  I'd like to free something.

 Focus.  That's what I was thinking.  She said "focus." Whatever. (MOANING)  I sense a grave disturbance  between you both.   A difficulty in affecting   a resolution   for a problem.  Something hard.  I'm convinced.  She's got the gift.   Try to contain yourself.  Miss, I appreciate the effort  and I'm sure you're  very good at   whatever it is you do,  but my shallow friend isn't  interested in his future,  so you can cut the theatrics.

 What a relief. I do so much  better when I don't have to  say things in character.  You don't have to  say anything at all.  You paid,  I should tell you something.   In order to do that  I have to work completely  unfettered.   (IVANNAH MOANING) Oh, yes.  I can definitely sense  the problem. Here.  Girl trouble.

  Apparently, you're both on   the outs with your   respective steadies. That's amazing.  That's disgusting!  You both feel the pain of loss.  But only one of you  makes it vocal.   The other one   suffers silently.  My God, you're right.   We gotta go.  How can this be resolved? I would say, yes,   combine your efforts.

That's what I see.  Let me tell you what I see...  That's great!  I don't buy her power.  All right, when's my birthday? Between the first and the last   of October.  Did you hear that?  Very haunting. Let's go.  Why are you stuck here  in this dirt mall and not in  an upscale commercial setting?  You could be raking in  the dough with your  kind of accuracy.

 Believe it or not,  some people still frown on  topless fortune-telling.  Unfortunately,  it's the only way that  I'm effective. Really?   It's the third nipple   that does it.   You have a third nipple?  What are you talking about?  It's clear as day!  Look at it, for God's sake.  You can stare at it.  I don't mind.

  Understanding is reached  only after confrontation.  Of course!   Thank you so much.   I can't tell you   how informative you've been.   Thank you very much. And don't ever lose that nipple.   I won't. Do you have...  Any other extra body parts?  No.  Just curious.  You could double-check me,  if you like. Really?   T.S.

:   Come on! Works every time.  You're gonna what?  I'll get on her dad's show.  Are you kidding?  Last time he had  dope planted on us.  What will he do this time?  He can't touch us  once it starts.  It's a live feed.  He can't risk losing face  in front of the network execs.   It can't happen.  I'll make it happen.  "Understanding is reached  only after confrontation.

"  That's what Ivannah said.  Brandi will respond  to confrontation.  Hey, weren't you the guy  that broke up  with Brandi Svenning?  What the hell's  your problem, anyway?  You're supposed to be  the impetuous one, not me.  Why are you fighting me? I'm being rational!  You're scared you may  want to follow my lead  and win Rene back! Rene who?  Whatever. Just do me a favor.

 Meet me by the stage  once the show starts.  I'll need your help.  Where are you going?  Shopping.  What the hell  am I supposed to do?  Dude,  this looks like your mom.  I've been looking  all over for you two.  We're hiding.  In a bookstore?   Last place anyone'd look   for me and this tubby bitch.  I need your help.

  What?  You two up for getting stoned? Look who you're asking.  You looking at that  couple inside?  Actually, I was just looking  at this little pink number  over here.   That's kind of nice.   They look happy, don't they?  What, the bras?   No, the couple.   They look happy.  I guess,  as far as couples go.

You know, it reminds me of an issue of<i>  Spider-Man</i> I did. When Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy went lingerie shopping.  Of course,  the Green Goblin showed up  and he pumpkin-bombed  the hell out of the place.   But aside from that,   it's pretty much   the same thing.   Oh, my God! Holy shit! Aren't you...

 Stan Lee. Hi.   What's up, boys?   You guys on this show?  That's the rumor. Man, between hoping to win, the crowd out there   and being on TV,   I'd be scared as hell   if I were you two.  Yeah? Sure, man. What if you fuck up? Your friends and family watching.  I'd be piss scared  I'd get a boner  or fucking fart or something.

 He's got a point, man.  This is live.  Anything could happen. Shut the fuck up, man. You're making me nervous.  There's only one thing  that could take off that edge.  Make you feel relaxed as hell.  Make you forget  how many people are  staring at you here and on TV.  And what's that?   Snootchy-bootchy nootchies!  The Fantastic Four.  Reed Richards.

  Can his whole body stretch?  I mean every part,  you know, like his...  I know what you mean. We never really tackled stuff like that in the old days.  What with the comic-book code  and all.  I can't believe  I'm standing here  talking to you!  You're responsible  for the greats.  Let's do the list. Spider-Man?  Guilty.  The Incredible Hulk?  Afraid so.

 This is so cool.   The X-Men?   Now that you mention it.  Shit, man. You are a god! Hey, look at that couple.  Boy, they sure seem to  be in love, huh?  What's with that?  That's the second time  you've commented on  couples in love. Well, I like that sort of thing.  Tell me, do you  have a girlfriend, Brodie?  Had one. We just broke up.

 The Thing? Is his dork made of  orange rock like the rest  of his body?   It's a superhero secret.  Tell me, Brodie.  Why did you  and your girlfriend break up?  She was a pain in the ass.  She wanted me to be this  typical boyfriend guy.  She said I was too into  my own world of comics  and all. I can relate.

 There was a time  when it was all about  comics for me. I had a girl, probably the same as yours.  She always complained that  I spent too much time  with my own comics. And eventually we broke up.  See, what did she know?  Here you are now,  a legend in the field.  You had a slew of women  since her, right?   Lots of women.

  Jagger and me,   we had a running contest   to see who had the most. Matter of fact, last time I looked, I was way ahead.  Damn, that's hot!  But I never forgot that girl.  Did you ever get back  together with her? One day I found out she got married. I had blown it. I had missed my window. No way.  What'd you do? I went on with my life.

  I created some   special new superheroes. They were characters that reflected my own heartbreak and my own regrets.  How so?   Doctor Doom wears body armor   to conceal his   own mangled form.  Right?   Yeah.  That was me  beneath the armor.   The Hulk.   A normal guy one minute,   a rage of emotions the next.

Just like me when I thought about what I'd given up.  So you created each character  as a way to deal with  your one big regret.  Yeah, the girl that got away.  Look, do yourself a favor,  Brodie.   Don't wait.  Because all the money,  all the women   even all the comic books   in the world  they can't substitute for  that one person.

 I don't know.  All the comics in the world?  Trust me, true believer.  Well, good talking to you.  Keep up all the good work.  You keep reading 'em,  I'll keep writing 'em. Hey, Stan! Yeah?   She really meant   that much to you?  Brodie, I'd give it all up,  all of it   for just one more day   with her. Take care.

 Stan!  Hi! I think he bought it.  What kind of story  did you give him?  It was the Vulture's  soliloquy, you know,  from the <i> Spider-Man</i>  anniversary issue.  "Love Be a Vulture Tonight."  Yeah.  I can't thank you enough,  Mr. Lee.   Forget it.  You know, I think you ought to  get him some help.  He seems to be really hung up  on superheroes' sex organs.

 But he'll outgrow it. I think I felt it move.   Just kidding.  Just the two I'm looking for.  I need help. With what?  Let me borrow  the Shannon Hamilton tape. Why?  It's important!  The future of my relationship  depends on it.  It's at my house.  Take T.S.'s station wagon,  parked in 2D.   I don't even have a license.

  Just go!  You still got that  stage schematic?  I need you to wire  something together for me.   Jesus.   What's with him?   I don't know.   I'm suddenly not   feeling too well.  But everything is fine. We're about to start.   You are in for something   really special tonight,   gentlemen.  I have lined up...

 Excuse me.   Jesus.  (VOMITING)   Sorry.   I have lined up some   really bright kids here.  This promises to be  a lot of fun.   I'm sure you're   gonna love it.   Shouldn't you be   in bed or something?  No. I wouldn't miss this  for the world.  Make sure everybody's ready  and let's start. How much did you smoke?  All it took was  a fat chronic blunt.  These guys were lightweights.

How much do I owe you? My treat.  As long as you promise,  next time you pop  your old lady,  you make her call you "Jay."  Snootchy bootchies.   Let's hope there is   a next time. All right, I'm ready. You're never gonna believe who I just met.   What the hell happened   to these two?   Power of the Dark Side.

Wait, there's only two.  There's supposed to be three.  Where's the third guy? I never saw a third guy. BRODIE: Who's this asshole?  What the hell happened  to those guys?  They got lightheaded. You got that right.  They gonna cancel the show?  What do you care?  I'm supposed to be on it.  I'm Gil Hicks.  Suitor Number Three.

  We're taking their place.   I'm T.S. Quint.   This is Brodie Bruce.  Didn't I see you on the news?  Dude. Don't give him any shit,  all right?  Something's going on here.  Where's Mr. Svenning?  Mr. Svenning has come down  with a sudden case  of diphtheria. What happened to those two?  JAY:  Homeboys got a case  of the mad munchies.

 GILL:  Hey, Rowdy Roddy. Isn't this  the guy Svenning had arrested?  Yes, it is.  All right, Quint.  I don't know how you  got back in,  but I'm alerting Mr. Svenning.  We'll postpone the start  until we figure this all out.   You called down the thunder,   now you've got it! Security!  Hey, Roddy!   What?  Jesus Christ,  you knocked him out.

 Now hit him!  Somebody call security?  What happened to those two? They got stoned and knocked him out. He needs medical attention.  That's not what happened. Could you have him removed? The show's about to start.  Whatever. Look, dude. No more shit, all right? Just go out and woo like you're supposed to and nobody gets hurt.

 When Tricia shows up  with the videotape,  you get it to Silent Bob,  understand?  I'm on it. Wait a sec,  where is that tubby bitch?  (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)  (AUDIENCE CHEERING)  <i> Good evening and welcome  to</i> Truth or Date<i> .</i>   <i> One match made here</i>   <i> ignites the fires of romance.

</i>   <i> Hi, I'm Bob Summers,</i>   <i> your host</i>  <i> and tonight we'll watch</i>  <i> as one of our</i>  <i> three lucky suitors</i>   <i> woos our beautiful,</i>   <i> eligible suitor-ette.</i>  <i> Ladies and gentlemen,</i>  <i> get ready for romance</i>  <i> in the making</i>  <i> as we introduce the suitors!</i>  (AUDIENCE CHEERING)  <i> Our first suitor goes to</i>  <i> Marymount College</i>  <i> where he majors in Economics.

</i>  <i> Say hi to Doug Paging.</i>  (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Do it, Doug!  <i> Our second suitor hails</i>  <i> from Canisius College</i>  <i> in Buffalo</i>   <i> where he majors in</i>   <i> Communications.</i>  <i> Say hi to Rob Feature.</i>   <i> Our final suitor</i>   <i> goes to Rutgers</i>  <i> where he majors</i>  <i> in Fine Arts</i>  <i> and Greek mythology.

</i>  <i> A nice welcome for Gil Hicks.</i>  (AUDIENCE CHEERING)  BRODIE:  Pay attention, dick.   <i> BOB:</i>   <i> May the best man win.</i> <i> And now, ladies and gentlemen,  I'd like to introduce  our lovely suitor-ette.</i>  <i> From Monmouth State,</i>  <i> where she majors in Astronomy</i>  <i> and Earth Sciences,</i>  <i> a big welcome</i>  <i> for the lovely</i>  <i> Brandi Svenning.

</i>  (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)  (AUDIENCE CHEERING)    <i> All right, everybody knows</i>    <i> how the game is played.</i>   <i> Our lovely suitor-ette will</i>   <i> ask a series of questions</i>   <i> of our suitors</i>   <i> and make her decision based</i>   <i> on their answers.</i>   <i> Anything goes!</i>   <i> Brandi, are you ready?</i>   <i> Absolutely, Bob.

</i>  <i> Then you may fire when ready.</i> (CLEARS THROAT)   <i> Suitor Number One.</i>  <i> If you were a car,</i>  <i> what kind of car would you be?</i>   <i> The kind you'd never dump</i>   <i> your boyfriend in.</i>   <i> Suitor Number Two.</i>  <i> Can't you call me</i>  <i> the Second Suitor?</i>  <i> "Suitor Number Two"</i>  <i> sounds like a bathroom code,</i>  <i> you know?</i>  (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  <i> Second Suitor.

</i>  <i> If we were making whoopee...</i>   <i> What's whoopee?</i>  <i> If we were...</i>  <i> If we were being intimate...</i>   <i> What, like fucking?</i>  (ALL GASPING)   <i> Yeah.</i>  <i> If we were, you know,</i>  <i> what kind of noises</i>  <i> would you make?</i>  (GROANING)  <i> No, I think that's</i>  <i> kind of personal.

</i>  <i> I don't think I should</i>  <i> answer that.</i>  <i> Suitor Number Three.</i>    <i> What would our first date</i>    <i> be like?</i>   <i> First I'd take you shopping</i>   <i> to the stores you'd</i>   <i> want to shop in.</i>   <i> And then we'd do</i>   <i> a little lunch, probably at</i>   <i> the Cheese Haus</i>  <i> followed by some golfing.

</i> <i> Then at night,  we'd take in an opera,  probably</i> Die Fledermaus<i> .</i>  <i> Then I'd follow it all up</i>  <i> with a drive to</i>  <i> a secluded beach</i>   <i> where I'd pop on</i>   <i> the radio</i>   <i> and then we could slow dance</i>   <i> till the sun came up.</i>   <i> That was the biggest</i>   <i> load of crap I've ever heard!</i>  <i> I mean, look at you,</i>  <i> you're the kind of guy</i>  <i> that would beg for sex.

</i>   <i> I should know,</i>   <i> we can smell our own.</i>   (PEOPLE LAUGHING)   <i> Suitor Number One.</i>   <i> If we fell in love,</i>   <i> how would you propose to me?</i>   <i> When Jaws</i>   <i> popped out of the water.</i>   <i> Excuse me?</i> <i> I'll propose to you right now.</i>   <i> I propose you stop letting</i>   <i> your father run your life</i>  <i> and be true to yourself</i>  <i> and not give up on someone</i>  <i> you know has value.

</i>    <i> Take off your socks</i>    <i> when you make whoopee</i>  <i> or whatever that word is.</i>  <i> He hates it when you</i>  <i> leave them on.</i>  <i> What?</i>  <i> Hypothetically speaking.</i>   <i> Suitor Number One,</i>   <i> you sound familiar.</i>  <i> Like your conscience, maybe?</i>  <i> Look, lady.

</i>  <i> You don't know him, all right?</i>  <i> Now make with the questions.</i>   <i> BRANDI:</i>   <i> Suitor Number Three.</i>    <i> Is your kiss like</i>    <i> a soft breeze,</i>    <i> a firm handshake,</i>    <i> or a jackhammer?</i>  What's the funny guy  doing with his hands?  I don't want to know.  What the fuck is  going on up there?  <i> Definitely a jackhammer.

</i>   <i> I'm in there with</i>   <i> some pressure,</i>   <i> and when I'm done,</i>  <i> you're not the same as before.</i>  <i> You're changed.</i>   <i> Where do you come up</i>   <i> with this shit?</i> <i> That is the cheesiest response  to an honest question  I've ever heard.</i>  <i> I saw you kiss</i>  <i> and it wasn't anything</i>  <i> like that.

</i> <i> Suitor Number Two, you have to  wait until you're addressed  before you respond.</i> <i> Richard Dawson, go back to  your podium until it's time to  play the</i> Feud, <i> all right?</i>   (PEOPLE LAUGHING)  <i> Who did you see me kiss?</i> <i> Some dude backstage.</i>    <i> I don't know who he was,</i>    <i> but he seemed unimpressed.

</i>  <i> I didn't kiss</i>  <i> any guy backstage,</i>  <i> I swear. I'm not gay.</i>   <i> Hey, Suitor-ette,</i>   <i> this guy's a homophobe.</i>   <i> You heard how repulsed</i>   <i> he sounded.</i>  <i> Is this the kind of guy</i>  <i> you want to spend</i>  <i> a vacation with?</i> <i> This hatemonger?</i>  <i> I don't hate gay people!</i>   <i> So you love them?</i> <i> Yes!</i>   <i> I mean, no!</i>   <i> Textbook closet case.</i>   <i> Self-loather.

</i>   <i> Can't be comfortable</i>   <i> with his own sexuality.</i> (LAUGHING)  Brodie said to  give this to you. Are you watching this shit, man? It's fucked up!  I don't want to be here  when that tape   does what I think   it's going to do.   <i> Miss Suitor-ette, how about</i>   <i> you answer a question for me?</i>  

<i> I don't think that...</i>   <i> How strong are</i>   <i> your convictions?</i>  <i> What are you talking about?</i>   <i> How easily do you quit?</i>   <i> Say you wind up</i>   <i> with one of us.</i>   <i> Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh,</i>   <i> over here.</i>   <i> I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!</i> <i> Why not, because he's fat?  You got something against  fat people, too?</i>  JAY:  Snootchy bootchies!   Are you ready?  <i> If I have a conviction,</i>  <i> I stick to it.

</i>   <i> Were you ever in love?</i> <i> Yes, as a matter of fact.</i>  <i> Really?</i>   <i> What happened to</i>   <i> your boyfriend?</i> <i> We broke up.</i>   <i> Why?</i>   <i> It just didn't work out.</i>  <i> I mean, were you unhappy?</i> <i> Sometimes.</i>   <i> Why?</i>   <i> T.S.?</i>  <i> Hey,</i>  <i> what about the rest of us?</i>   <i> Why don't you ask me</i>   <i> a question?</i>   <i> Suitor Number Two.

</i>   <i> Hey, what about me?</i>  <i> Gil, just shut the fuck up!</i>  (PEOPLE LAUGHING) <i> Second Suitor,</i>   <i> would you ever make</i>   <i> whoopee in public?</i>  <i> I already did once today.</i>  <i> But my cousin Walter</i>  <i> jerked off in public once.</i>  <i> True story.</i>   <i> He was on a plane</i>   <i> to New Mexico</i>   <i> when all of a sudden</i>   <i> the hydraulics went.

</i>  <i> The plane started</i>  <i> spinning around,</i>  <i> going out of control.</i>   <i> He decides it's all over,</i>   <i> whips it out</i>   <i> and starts beating it</i>   <i> right there.</i>   <i> All the passengers take</i>   <i> a cue from him,</i>   <i> they whip it out</i>   <i> and start beating like mad.

</i>   <i> So all the passengers are</i>   <i> beating off,</i>   <i> plummeting to their</i>   <i> certain doom</i>  <i> when all of a sudden</i>   <i> the hydraulics kick back in</i>   <i> and the plane rights itself.</i>   <i> It lands safely</i>   <i> and everyone puts</i>   <i> their pieces, or whatever,</i>   <i> away and deboard.

</i>  <i> Nobody mentions the phenomenon</i>  <i> to anyone else.</i>  <i> Did he come or what?</i>  <i> Jesus Christ, man!</i>  <i> There are just some things</i>  <i> you don't talk about</i>  <i> in public.</i>   <i> Second Suitor,</i>  <i> if you were</i>  <i> a comic-book character,</i>  <i> what character would you be?</i>  <i> Wow, that's a great question.

</i>  <i> A tough one, though.</i>  <i> What does one gauge</i>  <i> his response on?</i>   <i> Physical prowess?</i>   <i> Keen detection skills?</i>  <i> The ability to banter well</i>  <i> with super villains?</i>  <i> How's your</i>  <i> comic-book collection, Brodie?</i>  

  <i> It's going good.</i>    <i> But, I mean...</i>    <i> Comics!</i>    <i> What are you talking about?</i>  <i> I don't collect comics.</i>  <i> Comics are for kids!</i> <i> I knew it.</i>  <i> Suitor Number One,</i>  <i> you just don't know</i>  <i> when to quit, do you?</i>  <i> No.</i>   <i> No, but you sure do.</i>   <i> I thought you were in love.

</i> <i> I was in love.</i>   <i> But I thought</i>   <i> that I had a partner.</i> <i> Somebody who wouldn't  fall to pieces  when things didn't go his way.</i>  <i> How so?</i>   <i> My father needed a contestant</i>   <i> for his show, T.S.</i>   <i> What was I supposed to do?</i>  <i> Show a little backbone.

</i>   <i> Show a little backbone?</i>  <i> What did you do?</i>   <i> When I walked away,</i>   <i> did you make any effort</i>   <i> to repair that breach?</i>  <i> No, you just ran off</i>  <i> and cried on the shoulder of</i>  <i> Bumble the Boy Wonder</i>  <i> over there.</i>  <i> Boy Wonder?</i>  <i> I'm all man, lady!</i>   <i> So you're here now</i>   <i> and you're ruining</i>   <i> my father's new show.

</i>   <i> You're airing</i>   <i> all our personal business</i>   <i> on stage.</i>  <i> You've gone this far, T.S.,</i>  <i> why don't you just tell them</i>  <i> the whole story?</i>   <i> There we were, mere hours</i>   <i> from spending</i>   <i> an entire week together</i>  <i> away from our family, school.</i>  <i> She throws in the towel</i>  <i> because her daddy says so.

</i>  <i> The girl who was meant to be</i>  <i> sitting in this chair</i>  <i> died in a pool.</i>    <i> And when I tried</i>    <i> to explain this to him,</i>   <i> he was such an asshole</i>   <i> about it</i>  <i> that even though</i>  <i> it killed me to do it,</i>  <i> I broke up with him.</i>    <i> You know,</i>    <i> I've been crying all day.

</i>  <i> But what did he do?</i>  <i> He just goes on with his life.</i>   <i> I mean here he is.</i>   <i> He's hanging out at a mall.</i>  <i> You put yourself</i>  <i> on an auction block</i>  <i> for God's sake</i>  <i> in front</i>  <i> of a live studio audience.</i>  <i> Do I get a chance to field</i>  <i> any more questions?</i>  BOTH:  No!   <i> Look, I think</i>   <i> I should say something here.

</i>  <i> I know both of you</i>  <i> pretty well. Suitor-ette,</i>   <i> Suitor Number One</i>   <i> has done nothing</i>   <i> but pine over you all day</i>  <i> trying to figure out a way</i>  <i> to win you back.</i>   <i> When this public opportunity</i>   <i> to literally do that arose,</i>   <i> he pulled his shit together,</i>   <i> risked life and limb</i>   <i> and faced the odds to</i>   <i> get up here and give it</i>   <i> his best shot.

</i> <i> I'm tired of this whole thing!  You're both retarded  for each other!</i>  <i> Forget about the shit</i>  <i> that happened and do what</i>  <i> you're supposed to!</i>  <i> I think the audience</i>  <i> would agree with me there.</i>  (AUDIENCE CHEERING)  <i> Ask her,</i>  <i> you silly bastard!</i>  <i> Miss Suitor-ette,</i>  <i> Suitor Number One loves you,</i>   <i> has always loved you,</i>   <i> and will always love you.

</i>  <i> He's only got one question</i>  <i> that he'd like to ask.</i> <i> Will you marry me?</i> <i> Yes.</i>  (AUDIENCE CHEERING)  JAY:  Snootchy bootchies,  Brodie-nootchies!  Are we set or what?

  Good to go.  (POLICE SIRENS WAILING)  A sailboat.   (SCREAMING)    <i> I think it's safe to say,</i>    <i> we've made our match.</i>  <i> These two lucky people</i>  <i> will soon be</i>  <i> winging their way</i>  <i> to beautiful, sunny Florida</i>  <i> for a week of theme parks,</i>  <i> beaches</i>    <i> and a lot more</i>    <i> from the look of it!</i>  

<i> I guess that about</i>  <i> wraps it up for...</i>   Not just yet, Pat Sajak. All right?  You! All right.  I believe you have something  that belongs to me.  Yeah? What's that?   Not you, asshole! The girl.  <i> You have my heart.</i>  What can I say?  I love the retard.  Wait a minute.  I thought tonight we were  supposed to, you know...   Hamilton! <i> Let's try to wrap this up,  all right?  I promised her breakfast.

</i>  All right, that's it.   You're dead, mallrat.   I'm going to fuck you up   beyond repair! Sailboat. Sailboat. Goddamn sailboat. <i> Ladies and gentlemen,  this tall drink of water  headed my way</i>   <i> is a pillar of</i>   <i> the shopping community</i>   <i> who informed me earlier today</i>   <i> of a nefarious plan of his</i>  <i> to screw my girlfriend</i>  <i> in a very uncomfortable place.

</i>  <i> What?</i>  <i> Like the back of a Volkswagen?</i>  <i> And as he comes up here to...</i>  <i> Holy shit!</i>   <i> Without further ado,</i>   <i> I'd like to present you all</i>  <i> with an accurate portrayal of</i>  <i> the proprietor of</i>  <i> Fashionable Male.</i>  <i> Now, Silent Bob!</i>   <i> I said now, Silent Bob!</i> WILLAM: When, Lord?  When the hell do I get to see  the goddamn sailboat? <i> Now, now, now!</i> (SCREAMING)  <i> Who's your favorite New Kid?</i>  <i> Call me Joey.

</i>  <i> Oh, yeah. Don't make me</i>  <i> get loose.</i>  <i> I think that's it.</i>   <i> Yeah. Call me Donnie.</i>   <i> Come on. Oh, girl.</i>  <i> Yeah, please don't go.</i>   <i> Goddamn.</i>   <i> This is one wacky game show.</i>  That girl's only 15.  15? I thought she was 36.  Hey, come on, guys.

 Tell me  you wouldn't have popped her?   (THUDDING)  Where you're going,  they screw people  in a very uncomfortable place.  Really?  Yeah.  You can't strike a prisoner  in police custody.  Come on, just once?  All right, but make it fast.  (GROANING)   Would you have   gone on vacation   with the winner?   What do you think? I don't know, I think you would have.

 But I would have  sent you a postcard.  What the hell is  wrong with me?   If the tape was out   of your reach,   how the hell did you get it?   The Jedi mind trick!   Holy shit!   Motherfucking Yoda and shit!  Adventure? Excitement?   A Jedi craves not   these things.   <i> (BROKEN</i> PLAYING)  Did you see that shit?  Do you call that romance?  I call that illegal.

  So.  So what? I was just wondering, if maybe you're not busy tomorrow night...  Yeah? Would you like to have dinner at my house and meet my mother?   I can't guarantee   she'll like you, but...  It was just a warm-up.  Please, come on?  The show would always  go smoother and be less racy.  The show was a piece of shit.  Unoriginal, uninspired,  you know.

  The only thing that saved it   was this guy here.  I'm Bentley Garrison,  with the network.  Me and Mason thought  you were hysterical.  Hilarious. You've got  great presence, kid.   Have you ever considered   hosting your own talk show?  (GASPS)  Him?  <i> (SUSANNE</i> PLAYING)   Yeah?


SONGWRITER DEMO

😭

INTERESTORNADO

INTERESTORNADO
Michael's Interests
Esotericism & Spirituality
Technology & Futurism
Culture & Theories
Creative Pursuits
Hermeticism
Artificial Intelligence
Mythology
YouTube
Tarot
AI Art
Mystery Schools
Music Production
The Singularity
YouTube Content Creation
Songwriting
Futurism
Flat Earth
Archivist
Sci-Fi
Conspiracy Theory/Truth Movement
Simulation Theory
Holographic Universe
Alternate History
Jewish Mysticism
Gnosticism
Google/Alphabet
Moonshots
Algorithmicism/Rhyme Poetics

map of the esoteric

Esotericism Mind Map Exploring the Vast World of Esotericism Esotericism, often shrouded in mystery and intrigue, encompasses a wide array of spiritual and philosophical traditions that seek to delve into the hidden knowledge and deeper meanings of existence. It's a journey of self-discovery, spiritual growth, and the exploration of the interconnectedness of all things. This mind map offers a glimpse into the vast landscape of esotericism, highlighting some of its major branches and key concepts. From Western traditions like Hermeticism and Kabbalah to Eastern philosophies like Hinduism and Taoism, each path offers unique insights and practices for those seeking a deeper understanding of themselves and the universe. Whether you're drawn to the symbolism of alchemy, the mystical teachings of Gnosticism, or the transformative practices of yoga and meditation, esotericism invites you to embark on a journey of exploration and self-discovery. It's a path that encourages questioning, critical thinking, and direct personal experience, ultimately leading to a greater sense of meaning, purpose, and connection to the world around us.
Welcome to "The Chronically Online Algorithm" 1. Introduction: Your Guide to a Digital Wonderland Welcome to "πŸ‘¨πŸ»‍πŸš€The Chronically Online AlgorithmπŸ‘½". From its header—a chaotic tapestry of emoticons and symbols—to its relentless posting schedule, the blog is a direct reflection of a mind processing a constant, high-volume stream of digital information. At first glance, it might seem like an indecipherable storm of links, videos, and cultural artifacts. Think of it as a living archive or a public digital scrapbook, charting a journey through a universe of interconnected ideas that span from ancient mysticism to cutting-edge technology and political commentary. The purpose of this primer is to act as your guide. We will map out the main recurring themes that form the intellectual backbone of the blog, helping you navigate its vast and eclectic collection of content and find the topics that spark your own curiosity. 2. The Core Themes: A Map of the Territory While the blog's content is incredibly diverse, it consistently revolves around a few central pillars of interest. These pillars are drawn from the author's "INTERESTORNADO," a list that reveals a deep fascination with hidden systems, alternative knowledge, and the future of humanity. This guide will introduce you to the three major themes that anchor the blog's explorations: * Esotericism & Spirituality * Conspiracy & Alternative Theories * Technology & Futurism Let's begin our journey by exploring the first and most prominent theme: the search for hidden spiritual knowledge. 3. Theme 1: Esotericism & The Search for Hidden Knowledge A significant portion of the blog is dedicated to Esotericism, which refers to spiritual traditions that explore hidden knowledge and the deeper, unseen meanings of existence. It is a path of self-discovery that encourages questioning and direct personal experience. The blog itself offers a concise definition in its "map of the esoteric" section: Esotericism, often shrouded in mystery and intrigue, encompasses a wide array of spiritual and philosophical traditions that seek to delve into the hidden knowledge and deeper meanings of existence. It's a journey of self-discovery, spiritual growth, and the exploration of the interconnectedness of all things. The blog explores this theme through a variety of specific traditions. Among the many mentioned in the author's interests, a few key examples stand out: * Gnosticism * Hermeticism * Tarot Gnosticism, in particular, is a recurring topic. It represents an ancient spiritual movement focused on achieving salvation through direct, personal knowledge (gnosis) of the divine. A tangible example of the content you can expect is the post linking to the YouTube video, "Gnostic Immortality: You’ll NEVER Experience Death & Why They Buried It (full guide)". This focus on questioning established spiritual history provides a natural bridge to the blog's tendency to question the official narratives of our modern world. 4. Theme 2: Conspiracy & Alternative Theories - Questioning the Narrative Flowing from its interest in hidden spiritual knowledge, the blog also encourages a deep skepticism of official stories in the material world. This is captured by the "Conspiracy Theory/Truth Movement" interest, which drives an exploration of alternative viewpoints on politics, hidden history, and unconventional science. The content in this area is broad, serving as a repository for information that challenges mainstream perspectives. The following table highlights the breadth of this theme with specific examples found on the blog: Topic Area Example Blog Post/Interest Political & Economic Power "Who Owns America? Bernie Sanders Says the Quiet Part Out Loud" Geopolitical Analysis ""Something UGLY Is About To Hit America..." | Whitney Webb" Unconventional World Models "Flat Earth" from the interest list This commitment to unearthing alternative information is further reflected in the site's organization, with content frequently categorized under labels like TRUTH and nwo. Just as the blog questions the past and present, it also speculates intensely about the future, particularly the role technology will play in shaping it. 5. Theme 3: Technology & Futurism - The Dawn of a New Era The blog is deeply fascinated with the future, especially the transformative power of technology and artificial intelligence, as outlined in the "Technology & Futurism" interest category. It tracks the development of concepts that are poised to reshape human existence. Here are three of the most significant futuristic concepts explored: * Artificial Intelligence: The development of smart machines that can think and learn, a topic explored through interests like "AI Art". * The Singularity: A hypothetical future point where technological growth becomes uncontrollable and irreversible, resulting in unforeseeable changes to human civilization. * Simulation Theory: The philosophical idea that our perceived reality might be an artificial simulation, much like a highly advanced computer program. Even within this high-tech focus, the blog maintains a sense of humor. In one chat snippet, an LLM (Large Language Model) is asked about the weather, to which it humorously replies, "I do not have access to the governments weapons, including weather modification." This blend of serious inquiry and playful commentary is central to how the blog connects its wide-ranging interests. 6. Putting It All Together: The "Chronically Online" Worldview So, what is the connecting thread between ancient Gnosticism, modern geopolitical analysis, and future AI? The blog is built on a foundational curiosity about hidden systems. It investigates the unseen forces that shape our world, whether they are: * Spiritual and metaphysical (Esotericism) * Societal and political (Conspiracies) * Technological and computational (AI & Futurism) This is a space where a deep-dive analysis by geopolitical journalist Whitney Webb can appear on the same day as a video titled "15 Minutes of Celebrities Meeting Old Friends From Their Past." The underlying philosophy is that both are data points in the vast, interconnected information stream. It is a truly "chronically online" worldview, where everything is a potential clue to understanding the larger systems at play. 7. How to Start Your Exploration For a new reader, the sheer volume of content can be overwhelming. Be prepared for the scale: the blog archives show thousands of posts per year (with over 2,600 in the first ten months of 2025 alone), making the navigation tools essential. Here are a few recommended starting points to begin your own journey of discovery: 1. Browse the Labels: The sidebar features a "Labels" section, the perfect way to find posts on specific topics. Look for tags like TRUTH and matrix for thematic content, but also explore more personal and humorous labels like fuckinghilarious!!!, labelwhore, or holyshitspirit to get a feel for the blog's unfiltered personality. 2. Check the Popular Posts: This section gives you a snapshot of what content is currently resonating most with other readers. It’s an excellent way to discover some of the blog's most compelling or timely finds. 3. Explore the Pages: The list of "Pages" at the top of the blog contains more permanent, curated collections of information. Look for descriptive pages like "libraries system esoterica" for curated resources, or more mysterious pages like OPERATIONNOITAREPO and COCTEAUTWINS=NAME that reflect the blog's scrapbook-like nature. Now it's your turn. Dive in, follow the threads that intrigue you, and embrace the journey of discovery that "The Chronically Online Algorithm" has to offer.