Tori Amos 2017-11-12 Nashville, Tennessee

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Most of you have had the experience of somebody suddenly and without any explanation severing connection and all contact and all communication with you just like that this is behavior that’s called ghosting why because they pull a disappearing act just like a ghost ghosting is not a new thing people have been pulling these disappearing acts since the beginning of time but the thing is is that the occurrence and the normalization of it is on the rise the reason is because increasingly more and more of our connection is happening online with more of our connections happening online and therefore us knowing less and less mutual people in common let’s just say there are less consequences for us pulling a disappearing act unfortunately the more that ghosting happens to ourselves our family our friends the more normalized we become with it there are two main reasons why someone might ghost you fear of engaging with you especially in the case that any engagement with you would lead to pain or conflict two the use of it as a passive aggressive power move if the former is the case it’s an avoidance strategy they’re using ghosting as a way of avoiding whatever consequence or pain or whatever they feel like is going to be a result of engaging with you for example let’s say that somebody perceives you to be a person who never actually listens you’re a person who simply invalidates anything that’s said and will never change your opinion on anything and so they perceive you to be unworkable because of that perception of unworkability this person might just simply not engage with you at all and not communicate and vanish off the face of the planet and never tell you why they’re never going to tell you why because they perceive you to be a person who it’s only going to get worse if i do say something or for example imagine that there’s a guy on a dating site you’ve been chatting back and forth and all of a sudden without any warning he doesn’t talk to you by the way this is also common if you actually have been on several dates now maybe this guy has realized he’s just not that into you maybe he’s met somebody else on a site that he likes better but he doesn’t want to feel like the bad guy he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by coming at you and saying i’m not really that into you he also wants a no drama no questions asked no need to justify himself or deal with your emotions ending so he simply avoids it all by suddenly ceasing to respond altogether it’s a convenient way to bypass a breakup seeing how the root of ghosting is so often fear of conflict it might be a good idea to watch my video titled how to overcome the fear of conflict it is important to note here also with regards to the rest of this video but there is a very big difference between ghosting so as to avoid things and ghosting so as to exit an abusive relationship anybody who’s been in a super abusive relationship knows that if you try often times to confront an abusive partner with the idea that you want to end the relationship you might actually get killed and if that’s the case i don’t even like that we would call that ghosting it’s taking a really really good proactive strategic step to not get yourself hurt so i want you to differentiate between behavior where you cutting off communication cutting off contact and kind of vanishing within abusive relationships and having that behavior as a relation style if someone is ghosting in a passive aggressive power move it’s a control tactic oh and by the way people love to do this as a form of punishment you’re probably already familiar with the silent treatment or stonewalling for those of you that don’t know stonewalling is when you cut yourself off or become emotionally unavailable or walk out of the room in a way that cuts you off from the other person makes you unavailable or unreachable to them kind of like erecting a stone wall between yourself and them when ghosting is used in this way is a form of emotional cruelty and it’s one of the most destructive relationship habits we can do as much as you may hate to see this a relationship takes two it’s about connection that means the person who holds the power in a relationship is the person who can disconnect the person who refuses to maintain the connection we know this at our core that’s the reason why when you’re in your most powerless states in an argument in a relationship you get up and walk out the freaking door because you know the one who has the control is this one we also know how painful emotional withdrawal is at our core we know how vulnerable it makes the other person so if we feel pushed into a corner especially if we feel victimized by the other person we tend to not have any qualms about using emotionally abusive tactics no matter what the motive is behind ghosting no matter whether it’s conscious or unconscious ghosting creates psychological and emotional wounds so why is ghosting so painful well first and foremost emotional withdrawal is a form of abandonment and this is a very serious thing when it comes to people why because as a human you are a relationally dependent species you’re a group species connection is in fact a greater need for you as a physical human than food or water which is why when you have an intensely bad breakup how easy is it for you to eat and sleep connection is such an important need and when somebody withdraws like this when somebody ghosts you it’s a threat to your most basic fundamental need on top of this in case you haven’t noticed people have to assign meaning to experiences we have to understand the meaning behind things why they happened in order to put reason to anything in order to know what to do about it if no explanation is given people become consumed in a dizzying mess of potential explanations and tend to vacillate between confusion and choosing whatever painful meaning is the most believable to them lack of closure drives people crazy did i say or do something wrong did they lose their phone am i not pretty enough so i just got rejected why didn’t i know this was going to happen am i a social idiot did they get into a car wreck and die do they not care it is the meaning that we assign to experiences especially ghosting that has the capacity to do so much damage long term to understand more about this watch my video titled meaning the self-destruct button when someone ghosts us we go from feeling like someone cared about us to feeling like they don’t care about us at all this causes immediate humiliation it calls into question how real a relationship even was it causes us to negatively question and doubt ourselves we feel disrespected and disposable and therefore it registers in our being as a rejection and as betrayal guess what you can even look to science for this one social rejection registers within the physical body the same way that physical pain does only it’s worse why because when you’re experiencing physical pain you don’t have the added layer of all those painful horrible and also untrue stories you might be telling about yourself whenever we get rejected we go to work trying to figure out what is bad and what is wrong about us so we can try to fix it somehow so we can guarantee connection in the future deep down we take the blame for someone ghosting us here’s the other thing and this might actually be for your own awareness the single thing which makes it the most difficult to get over being ghosted and that is this ghosting makes you feel completely out of control and completely dysregulated because if you don’t even know what happened you don’t even know how to react or respond for example let’s imagine that the truth as to why somebody just ghosted you for them is that somebody triangulated against you so they were triangulated if you knew that if you knew that was the reason then a typical response might be something like confronting the person doing the triangulating and confronting the person who has listened to the triangulation however let’s imagine that the reason somebody ghosted you is because there was a death in the family and all of a sudden this person finds themselves in an emotional hell spiral so bad they just can’t reach out to other people in their life if you knew that was the reason it would be a totally different reaction wouldn’t it something like okay well it really hurts but i’m here for you whenever you need or if you need me two totally different reactions based off of the information you would receive as to why someone’s ghosting you without that information talk about uncertainty this is what makes ghosting so hard to resolve without any information or explanation or reason given it becomes very very hard to emotionally process what happened and the trauma of the emotional abandonment so as to feel resolved and create closure so what should you do if you get ghosted one give it one last shot to find out the truth this if you can actually achieve it will help you with closure as well for this to work you’re going to have to roll out the red carpet for people to tell you the truth obviously you should only do this if you’re actually dedicated to self-awareness and awareness in general when someone goes to the highest likelihood is that they have some sort of an issue with conflict this means you’re going to have to roll out the red carpet in a way that makes it super safe and super easy for them to tell you the truths by the way this is still not a guarantee that you can get them to actually tell you the truth or even to respond in the first place but it’s worth a shot many people have luck creating closure by directly asking for the truth and promising that there will be no consequences or strong emotional displays or defensiveness for the answer now when i say this it’s very important to understand if you promise there will be no consequences or no serious reactivity to what you say you can’t have a serious reaction to what is said you can’t actually create a consequence if you promise there will be none because you’re going to be reinforcing the other person’s issue with conflict so you could try to send a message like this hey i feel like all of a sudden you just stop talking or responding to me it really means a lot to me to be able to find a person to be with one day and so i could use all the honesty and all the help i can get i promise i won’t get upset or defensive i just need some honest reflection rather than to keep on guessing would you be willing to tell me the truth about why you stopped communicating with me you would be super surprised how honest people can be when you make it super easy and safe for them to be honest while their answer does not justify ghosting and while it makes perfect sense for you to be furious that you would even have to think about taking this step you can learn a hell of a lot from whatever answer you receive should they answer to it not only are you going to learn things that help you resolve the situation at hand you’re going to learn a hell of a lot about yourself and awareness about this world we live in and other people especially now here’s the rule if you have done that that last ditch effort to get the truth from them and they still don’t respond to you here is the rule of thumb don’t text don’t email them don’t message them don’t go to their house no contact no communication don’t put yourself out there again okay you got to maintain your self-respect and here’s the other rule you’re also not going to reach out to them in one year or two years or whatever the rule of thumb is if you have taken that step and they do not respond it is 100 their responsibility to create repair in that relationship wow that means it’s up to them if they want repair to reach out to you to create that repair also to prove that behavior has changed two regardless of the actual reasons that somebody might give you for why they ghosted these might be reasons that have to do with you or might be reasons to have to do with them you have to differentiate between those excuses or reasons and the decision to ghost based off of those reasons many psychologists and self-help experts will tell you that ghosting has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person ghosting okay the problem is that that doesn’t really work in a universe based off of the law of mirroring but to generalize people who decide to look at these reasons that they’re having an issue in a particular relationship and ghost because of it have a really hard time dealing with discomfort to generalize people who ghost don’t know how to handle discomfort the second that even the potential of discomfort arises they go into avoidance mode many people who ghost tend to be intimacy phobic fear commitment have huge issues with conflict or are passive aggressively trying to get power the actual reality of ghosting is that you would gain a hell of a lot of self-awareness and awareness in general if you knew the actual reason why that person had decided to ghost you reasons that may have to do with you and may have to do with them or both but you can’t control getting that can you and any reason for ghosting that the ghoster could attribute to you or themselves is still separate of the decision to ghost because of it to give you an aggressive example of this people have reasons for killing people too but you guys okay the decision to respond to something by killing someone in and of itself as a response is an issue and the onus of that response is on a person killing someone and this is how ghosting works as well ghosting is a dysfunctional relationship pattern where the person ghosting may have several excuses but the issue of taking those excuses and deciding to go someone because of them is a separate issue it’s a dysfunctional relationship dynamic and that’s on them that’s on the person who is ghosting three the biggest problem with ghosting is this you may never ever know i mean till the day you die you may never know why someone ghosted you that sucks for this reason you have to ask yourself what would i do differently as of today and what would create the most resolve for me if it was a 100 percent guarantee that i will never know why the answer to this question is how to take your power back in a situation where you may be powerless because you can’t force someone to engage with you four you gotta know that when somebody goes to what that behavior is really communicating to you is this i don’t have what it takes to have a healthy and mature relationship with you much less anyone and for those of you who hear that and go oh my god opportunity for rescue you have to understand that while all people have the potential to develop into healthy and mature relationships the capacity to have them never confuse potential with will do something free will trumps potential it is also smart to remember that people who are capable of having and or want to have mature healthy relationships with you who are committed to you and to the connection with you will find ways to show up in the relationship you can’t be responsible for 100 of a relationship as much as you may want that level of power and control this is part of the innate vulnerability that is inherent in relationships you can’t pull someone hard enough to compensate for their half of the relationship how they act towards you is an indication of the style of their relationships do you want that style i’m going to ask yourself this question am i willing to by accepting this pattern by saying engaged in this pattern with this person by continuing to pull them even though they have no interest in really committing or putting their energy forth to being around me am i going to say yes to the universe this is right and good for me this is what i will accept it’s very important what you say yes to it is a message not only you’re sending yourself and everyone around you but this universe at large don’t don’t chase ghosts unless you want your relationships to be marked by the constant fear that something’s wrong with you intermittent reinforcement avoidance emotional abandonment and emotional starvation also you got to be aware that some ghosts aren’t really full-blown ghosts they’re also partial ghosts and guess what partial ghosts are even worse than people who full-blown ghost you why because it’s a guarantee that when you stick with them when you continue engaging with this behavior regardless of whether somebody is being unavailable in this way you are signing up for an intermittent reinforcement pattern in relationships which by the way is one of the most abusive relationships in human dynamics for more information about this watch my video titled why you can’t leave the relationship intermittent reinforcement even though being ghosted super sucks i want you to consider that you might just have dodged a bullet if someone goes to what they are really saying without words is i am not good for you to be in a relationship with any way a person who could not be honest with you and could not take care of the connection so they simply cut all communication is not a person who you can build a safe relationship with by the way if you are interested in how to build a safe relationship you can watch a video that i did titled how to create a safe relationship five put conscious energy into healing the wound that is caused by ghosting as well as actively consciously seeking out the opposite experience to heal is to experience the opposite if you want to understand more about this you can watch my video titled what is healing when you get ghosted you might run into feelings of rejection and betrayal and abandonment you might doubt yourself or even your worth you might hear your mind telling you things like there’s no way someone would just stop communicating with me if i was a good catcher if i didn’t say or do anything wrong people who get ghosted tend to either turn being ghosted against themselves and internalize it or begin to form universal beliefs about all people or all men or all women or all people on dating sites be aware that those wounds that are caused by ghosting make you very vulnerable to telling stories about what has happened that aren’t actually correct and remember being ghosted has absolutely nothing to do with your value in fact being seen as valuable has nothing to do with your actual value and if you don’t believe me you can watch my video titled how to handle rejection ghosting is a dysfunctional relationship pattern at best a severely emotionally abusive tactic at worst and what is the most tragic thing is that it is becoming normalized it is super common that when somebody sees ghosting happening all around them they start to pick up this tactic as well what i’m saying here is that it’s pretty common if you get ghosted to start ghosting people and if we want a society that’s even halfway healthy to live in we have got to stop perpetuating this cycle of emotional abuse don’t ghost people and don’t chase ghosts have a good week if you like this video be sure to share it like it and also subscribe to my channel so you can see more content like this but i want to personally thank you for taking the initiative and having the bravery to step into the space of awareness not only for yourself but for the benefit of those around you you

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