Transcripts:
[cheering] Well, [cheering] [applause] my my favorite sex position. Um, my favorite sexual position is uh reverse cowgirl, but I'm on top. Are you picturing it? It's good. It's really good. Nobody gets pregnant. It's a lot of fun. I'm trying to learn things about myself. Um, I got a scale for my bathroom. I'm not trying to lose weight.
I'm just interested in the data. And I did learn something. I learned this because I weigh myself every night before I go to bed. And then I also weigh myself in the morning when I get up. And I here's what I learned. I weigh 2 lbs less every morning than when I went to bed. And I found out why. It's cuz I [ __ ] in my bed every night.
I do. I take a full 2 lb dump in bed and then I turn out the lights and I go to sleep cuz I don't want to sleep alone. Your needs change when you get older. At my age, a big big pile of shit's as good as anybody. I actually have a girlfriend uh but is we're struggling because she lives in France. Uh she's French.
She lives all the way over there and we haven't been able to see each other for a year because of the disease. I have AIDS and uh she's great though. She sends me presents all the time. That's how she keeps it going. She sends me gifts uh in the mail. I get something from her every week. Sometimes it's chocolate from France or a shirt she wishes I would wear instead of things like this.
And sometimes she sends something to make fun of me cuz she's a little [ __ ] up. So last time she sent me a pair of little girls panties and uh yeah, I was like that's not funny because these are in my house now. I can't get rid of them. It's like nuclear waste. Think about it.
I can't throw them out because I can't have people find little girls panties in my garbage with coffee grounds and butter on them. And every solution I think of makes it worse. It's like if I if I put them in a bag inside another bag and layers of duct tape wrapped in tin foil or if I put them in a coffee can and I nail it shut and I bury it in the park in the middle of the night.
Or if I cut them into tiny pieces and throw away one piece each week in a different town. My friend tried to help me. He's like, "Why don't you just burn them?" I'm like, "Do you understand? Even if there's a one ina million chance I get caught burning little girls panties, So, I'm wearing them right now. [applause] Yeah.
It's the only solution I could come up with. I wear them every day and I hand wash them and then I dry them like this. Just right on the little strawberries. Here's the thing, men. Our biggest fear in life is that we're going to get caught being a kid [ __ ] That's every guy's biggest fear. Even if you would never do it, every guy's like, "That's what's going to happen to me. I know it.
" It's like being afraid of sharks when you live in the desert. Like, I don't go to the ocean, but it's going to happen. Cuz it's a fear not based in its likelihood, but in how horrible it would be if it happened. Because when they catch a pedophile, holy [ __ ] Holy [ __ ] It's brutal. Because we're scared.
We're so scared of pedophilia because it's here and it's not going anywhere. That's the fact. It's not like there's a finite amount of pedophiles and we got the last one. No, they keep h it keeps happening every generation. There's more. Some of you have kids and some of them are going to grow up and [ __ ] kids. They might.
You know, okay. Now, of course, of course, not yours for some reason. But they're coming from someplace. So, any real solution has to start with the basic reality that there will always be pedophiles. Not a great thought. I understand it's not an uplifting. You wouldn't put that on a fridge magnet or on your screen saver at the office.
There will always be pedophiles. Hey, where's Jim? He's under his desk. We do. We have to start with that reality because our solutions that we have so far don't really work. Here's our current solution to pedophilia. We wait till somebody [ __ ] about 10,000 kids and then we go, "All right, you you better cut that out.
" That's pretty much it. There's no measures for preventing it. None. We have no policy to prevent not even just a like a street sign. There's a street sign for everything. No hunting, no spitting, no skateboarding. I've never seen a don't [ __ ] a child sign in the world. I've been all over the world. Not even just like a a picture of a guy [ __ ] a kid with a line through it.
So that it transcends language barriers. I mean, try it. You won't get most of them with the sign, but even if one out of a 50 of them is like, "Oh [ __ ] I am sorry. I didn't know it was an issue." That's money well spent. There's things that might work and we don't even try them. Like, is anybody working on very realistic child sex dolls? Okay, then let THEM [ __ ] YOUR KIDS FOREVER.
Is that if that's better? I'm so sorry for suggesting something that might actually work. Oh, no. Let them [ __ ] both my sons, but don't make a doll.That would be distasteful. The thing is that this I'm still talking about it. This this problem we lose things because we won't really face it, you know, that are important to us.
Like the Boy Scouts Boy Scouts, wonderful thing being sued out of existence because of all the kid [ __ ] that goes on. And I know it's upsetting because look, here's the thing. The Boy Scouts is a wonderful thing for kids. They go to the woods, they work together, they learn skills, they get in touch with nature. What could it be better for a boy than that? But some of those guys want to [ __ ] the kids.
I don't think they do it a lot. It's not like there's just a shitload of kids being [ __ ] in the Boy Scouts. I think it's mostly that they find out that the guy wants to. I don't actually know though. I don't Do you know why I don't know? BECAUSE I'M AFRAID TO LOOK IT UP. I I'LL GO TO PRISON FOR typing it into a Google. HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM IF you're afraid to [ __ ] look it up? How many Boy Scouts get [ __ ] on a Oh [ __ ] Every time I move, I got to tell my neighbors that I look that up.
Here's what happens. Every few years, you find out there's some pedophile type people in the Boy Scouts, and then they announce, "We got it. We got them all. We're good." And then a year later, THERE'S A BUNCH MORE. What's going on here? At some point, you got to wake up to the basic fact that the maybe the people who are best suited to give your kids these wonderful experiences are folks that want to [ __ ] them.
Maybe that's maybe that's why they're good at it. Maybe that's if you want that, that's where you go. Maybe that's just the way that goes. Who else would want to take a bunch of kids TO THE [ __ ] WOODS? WHO WANTS TO TAKE YOUR [ __ ] kid to the [ __ ] woods? You don't want to take them. Who else would want to do that except people that are barely containing that they want to [ __ ] every kid in the face? That's why they're good at it.
That's what makes them good at it. I'm not saying that all scout masters are pedophiles. I might be saying that the best ones are. I might be saying that. That sounds right. So, I don't know. You have to lose the whole thing. Just tell your kids. Some of those guys want to [ __ ] you. Just be careful. Have a good time.
Take the contribution from where it comes. Michael Jackson, wonderful music. Blessed us with wonderful music, did some other things, too. What? Look, what's worse? A pedophile who makes beautiful music or one that doesn't? This is the choices. No pedophiles is not on the menu. So, how have you all uh been enjoying living the way I already was for a couple years before all this? [cheering and applause] Welcome to my life.
Can't work. Can't go outside. Can't show your face. Got to wash your groceries. cuz I got come on the groceries. That's why I just in my mind that's what it means. Maybe that's more than you were thinking, but I have a solution for the pandemic, by the way, for CO. I have it. This is it. We test everybody, first of all.
Every time we find somebody who has CO, you kill them. This is it. That's the solution. You won't need another one after that one. That's the final one. It's been pretty amazing to be alive during this thing during co because you're not going to see this again. And wow, did we learn some [ __ ] That's really the things that teach you in life are things you never would have chosen to do for yourself.
I mean, think about your life the as far as it's been where you had the choices where you're like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to pursue this. It all goes to [ __ ] Every bit of it. And even when it goes right, you're like, "Why don't I like it? It's what I wanted, but why don't I like it?" Because it's your choice.
And your choices are based on fear and [ __ ] just thin, stupid, shitty hopes. But when life just kicks you in the balls and you're like, "Oh, [ __ ] Everything's different now." And you it shows you [ __ ] you wouldn't have looked at otherwise. That's the the great joy in it. And what I thought was really interesting about co uh uh and still is is that it's the first thing I've seen where everyone on earth had the same problem.
Every human being on Earth had the same problem. We never had that before. That's why we don't give a [ __ ] about each other because you read like, "Oh, there's floods in Houston." You're like, "Fucking water. What is it? What's your problem? Floods? What is that? Just walk like this. What's you can't handle some water? My basement floods? What the [ __ ] Who gives a shit?" Like he's on a canoe in the street. That looks like fun.
Why is that an issue? There's fires in Cal. What? Blow it out. [ __ ] blow out a fire. Get the water from Houston and dump it on California. [ __ ] deal with it. But we all had the same problem. Every person from Zimbabwe to Tokyo to Newark to Honolulu, everybody was doing the same dumb [ __ ] Every person had the same stupid [ __ ]moment at the same just trying to get the the mask out of the well of your car door trying to I got to go in Walgreens.
Where's my [ __ ] mask? You try to It's got pistachio shells in it and pennies. I'm sure it's still effective. I actually like the masks cuz it just everybody looked nice. Everybody did cuz it's just their eyes. Eyes are nice. You never hear somebody say that guy's got gross eyes. It's really We should hide these.
We should keep the masks cuz this is disgusting. How do we just with no shame look inside my face? Spit in at a tongue and teeth. It's [ __ ] gross. Cover your mouth. Don't I'd rather look at your [ __ ] than your mouth. I really would. I'd rather stare into your [ __ ] than glance at your mouth. [ __ ] aren't that bad.
Not to look at. We don't like to think about [ __ ] cuz it's like they're, you know, the [ __ ] and the farts and the diarrhea, but that's a small portion of their time. Do you ever really look at an You ever really look once you see it like in nature, it's just it's a little that's all. That's your [ __ ] It's like you know what it is? It's just an aperture. That's all it is.
That's your [ __ ] It's like a camera shutter. That's all it is. It's like the opening to the James Bond movies. That's what you're asking for. You ever go to lick somebody's [ __ ] and there's a little guy with a gun in there? That was bad. But it really was an interesting social experiment co because everybody got told the same thing.
The whole world got told the same thing. If you go out unnecessarily millions will die. And a lot of us said, "Oh, I'm going out." Yeah. I'm going now. And a lot Yeah. And millions died. It's just we're not that different from the turtles that you're trying to get them not to cross the [ __ ] highway and they're like this where I [ __ ] I [ __ ] over there. [ __ ] you.
And we're like please stop. Putting little signs up. Don't go. And then [ __ ] you. I'm a turtle. It doesn't We're not that different. We're just a [ __ ] species and we're just rolling along. Yeah. Many dying old ladies died. That's what happened. Many dying old ladies finished dying. Here's the way you got to look at it. Okay, we're still making more.
We're making new old ladies every day. There's a fresh batch coming. They're going to be great. I was having sex with a woman once and she was so beautiful I was having trouble not coming. So I pictured her face at 80 years old and then I came immediately because she's 92. Anyway, one thing I found very interesting was that during the pandemic, a lot of people really liked counting the dead people.
That got very popular was counting the amount of the dead and dying. Do you know how many people just today just today? Do you know how many pepper died at co 19 time just today? When do why keeping a daily tally? We don't do there's a lot of [ __ ] going on that we don't keep a daily tally of how many babies were dropped in a bucket of paint.
And I looked that up. I'm not kidding you. It's 30 a day. It's a real problem. I'm serious. A steady 30 babies a day are dropped in buckets of paint. It's not random. It's one guy that won't stop doing it. Yeah, we liked counting them. We liked counting the dead. And when it got really high, we don't know how to count them anymore.
People trying to find different ways to express the number or take it in. Remember January? It was really bad. It was 3,000 people every day were dying of COVID. So people started saying this. This is 911 every day. This is literally 9/11 every day. When did we start measuring deaths in 911s? When did that become the new How many football fields long is it? for mass death.
How many 911s was World War II? Can we look it up? I know the Holocaust was 2,000 911s. 911 wasn't that bad. It was just one. Only one 911 of people died on 911. That's like nobody died that day. See, it's all relative because then you have those later. Remember January was really bad. January was the worst. And then in April, March, April, we all felt better.
Everybody's like, "Oh, it's way better now. It's way better. Way better than January." I looked it up. It was 1500 people a day. And everybody's like, "It's way better than January." Really? It's half a 911 every single day. But that's way better. That would be like if on 9/11 after the first tower went down, you're like, "Ah, that's not that bad.
It's just one." Still got the other one. That's why they made two. It's okay. It's all right to make fun of 911. It was a hoax. All right. Sorry. Anyway, [applause] I thought I had CO about three times. I'm one of those idiots. I was like, I think I have it. Can you feel I I'm bad with pain, too. Like the other day I hit my elbow right on that spot where if I had a gun I'd be dead now.
You know that's I can't do pain. That's why I could never be a cop. I couldn't walk around with a gun right here. There's 50 things a day where I'd be like [ __ ] that. That ain't worthThat's my main problem by the way with the whole defund the police idea. What about people that want to commit suicide by cop? What about them? Hey, we'll put a pin in that.
But we had a lot of protests in New York and now we have protesters that just live here. They're not at a protest. They're just here. I saw a protester in Washington Square Park. She had green hair and dirty legs. And she's holding a little piece of cardboard and it's with a Sharpie. that said abolish billionaires.
I was just standing there and I thought I don't think that's going to do it. I doesn't feel like that's going to result. And Jeff Bezos going, what's happening to me? Sadly, it's going to be okay for him. I think I thought it was good how pe how young people got out there and they expressed themselves.
They went out there to solve a lot of problems. Not all of problems, but some of them. They they went out there to stop discrimination. U not all discrimination, just some of it, which is a weird form of discrimination, but there are groups there are groups that are discriminated against who don't have any protesters or any people working for them.
And we all discriminate against these people like ugly people. Everybody discriminates against ugly people. They do. And it's awful. I mean, I'd rather be discriminated against for my race than for being ugly. Cuz you you might not lose a job or a promotion, but nobody kisses you on the lips like your whole [ __ ] life. Like, try that.
This is what we say to ugly people. We don't like your face. You just don't like it. So, no one's going to fall in love with you. And it's unanimous. Sorry. And we just expect ugly people to be like, "Oh, no. I understand. I mean, sure. It's my head shape. It's no good for you. So, I'll I'll with I'll go without the things that matter in life.
Also, overweight people overweight people deal with things that none of us deal with cuz I'm not overweight. There's people who are discriminated against because of their weight. I read a story once about a woman who's 600 lb and she couldn't get medical care cuz everything she goes to the doctor, he just says it's cuz she's fat. everything.
She's like, "My knees hurt." He's like, "Yeah, my knees hurt just looking at you. What did you think was going to happen?" She's like, "I have chest pains." He says, "Yeah, cuz your organs are over capacity, so they're hurting." She's like, "I got shot in the head." He said, "Yeah, cuz you're [ __ ] fat. Somebody shot you in the [ __ ] head cuz you're fat.
" It's a terrible story. Here's the worst part of the story, and this is true. This is true. She needed an MRI cuz she had something serious. She's 600 lb. She doesn't fit in the machine. You know what they did? They sent her to the zoo. I'm not kidding. They sent her to the [ __ ] zoo. That's what WE DO FOR FAT people who need an MRI.
Here, here's your prescription. Go to the zoo. Yeah, that's where you should go. You should go to the zoo. By the way, you know how many fat people we have in this country? About 600 trillion billion thousands of them. You know how many trans people there are? About 38. But if you're trans and you need a restroom and it's awkward, we'll change every restroom.
But if you're fat and you need an MRI, you go to the zoo, you fat [ __ ] Just go to the zoo. You go experience that today. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SHE GETS TO THE ZOO? What actually [ __ ] happens when she arrives at the zoo? Hi. Are you here to see the monkeys? No, I'm here for an MRI. Oh [ __ ] All right. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. Just stand in the straw over here.
Yeah. You're after the walrus who has lymphoma. BY THE WAY, WHY IS THERE AN MRI machine at the [ __ ] zoo? Who was developing that instead of a fat human being MRI? Who's paying for this [ __ ] You don't give an elephant a [ __ ] magnetic resonance image test? Are you [ __ ] high? That's obscene. If an elephant is sick, you just listen.
You do this thing. Misa thinks she going to die, did he? I'm saying this out of respect for elephants, by the way, because we're supposed to respect how they live. They don't [ __ ] cure their diseases. This is not their culture. This is our word. Let's fix it. Oh, he's sick. That's not how elephants live.
An elephant in the Serengeti isn't like, "I have a lump. I have to see my oncologist." When an elephant GETS CANCER, HE FALLS OVER. HE TAKES HIS [ __ ] turn and becomes food. You don't put an elephant in a state-of-the-art. What if you find cancer? What are you going to give him? Chemotherapy. A skinny elephant with a pink baseball hat.
Each day is a gift. I love animals. I do. I do. We have a weird relationship to animals. We name them and we play with them and we kill them and we eat them and we stuff them. We draw them. I have a dog. I love my dog, but I don't know my dog. We've never had a conversation. Not one time I talk and she just hears A.
She looks at me and I'm like, "Yes." She's like, "What? You don't know whatthe [ __ ] I'm think? [ __ ] you. I don't know this [ __ ] I have no idea what she's thinking." I really wish I did. I wish I knew what she was thinking. It's my biggest wish maybe in life is that I knew cuz I know she has thoughts.
I know she does. There's no way she's just like, "Dog, there's stuff going on in here. I've seen it." You ever watch your dog make a decision? You ever dog watch your dog just walk in the room and then look around like, "Yeah, I'm going to go over here." Why? Please tell me why. I think my dog thinks I'm insane because I look at my life through her through her eyes.
Like I'll watch TV for four hours and from my dog's point of view, I'm just sitting there. [laughter] Why the [ __ ] is he laughing? What happened? My dog is my life now because my kids are grown up. My kids are in college and they're all, you know, I'm an empty neester. That's what you call it when your kids are gone cuz they grew up, not if they're dead.
It's not used that way. My daughter died of leukemia. Hey, you're an empty neester. I miss it. I miss having little kids. I think about it all the time. I think about it maybe adopting. You know, I could adopt a baby from a third world country. That's a good thing to do cuz you can just leave them outside.
You don't have to, you know, it's interesting. We've been adopting babies from other countries in America for a long time. I mean, other countries do it, too, but I live here, so I'll talk about that. But it's an interesting thing. It's not a biological imperative to go get a baby from thousands of miles away, but we we've been doing that in large numbers here for a long time.
And not always for the same reasons. There's been different reasons why we've done it. in the early like in the 70s when I grew up sometimes you meet a couple who had an African baby that they brought because they're those kind of you know these kinds of people you know the kind of couples that hold hands when they announce things you know those kind of people they gather their friends and they're like we've decided you know those they have a farm table with a clay pot of honey on it and their apple juice is cloudy.
You know what I'm talking about? Those are the kind of people that make a trip to Zimbabwe and get a baby and name him Kevin and send them to Boston College. Whatever. That was like the 70s and 80s. Then in the '9s, it became very popular with gay couples started to adopt babies from China because they want to have a baby, but they can't. They both have dicks.
I don't know if you know that. Did you know that gay couples have two dicks, so they can't make a baby? You can try. You can just It's really [ __ ] You could You could try to come into one dick with the other. Like if you line up the dick holes and you can come and the sperm goes up this dick and down that one.
And then the sperm gets to the balls and and they're like, "Wait, what the [ __ ] Did we turn around? Cuz we're in the balls again. Whose balls are these? These aren't even his balls. Oh, he's gay. [ __ ] All right. Okay. All right. Well, just swim around till we're dead. It's just the way it is. You're not going to A baby will never come out of a penis.
It's good. It's a good thing cuz it's hard for women. Imagine pushing a whole baby out of your penis dick hole. Even just a hand. Yeah. Anyway, so that's why gay couples adopt. That's why [applause] >> [cheering] >> and often from China because they make a lot of stuff there. Um, so that was that that was a the gay couples were adopting Chinese babies because they they couldn't have uh babies.
And then and then all a a lot of other couples started doing it more around the turn of the century. Um, I used to live in Hollywood, which is a pretty awful place. And everybody there gets Chinese babies. It's very popular. They go because and it's not because they can't have babies and it's not because they're trying to help somebody from far away.
It's because they're just busy. They're busy. They want to have a baby, but they don't want to have a baby. You know what I mean? That that thing where you you can't have your baby and eat it too or what. I don't know how that works. They don't want to get pregnant is the point. So, they go to China. They don't even go to China.
They go to the airport and somebody from China meets them, gives them a baby. It's true. They just take it home and then they get a Jamaican nanny to watch their Chinese baby and they go to cocktail parties. We have a Chinese baby. It's amazing. And meanwhile, the Chinese baby and the Jamaican nanny are just alone looking at each other like, "What are we doing? What is What is this? Why can't either of us see our families? Why what the [ __ ] is the point of this? So yeah, my dog I got a dog and my kids are and I I just sit around. I watch uh
watch YouTube a lot. That's my favorite pastime. Um I was watching YouTube today. I was watching one of the ads that comes onbefore the video. I watch I don't skip those. I think that's rude. It is. It's mean. Somebody worked hard on that ad. They they trained a cheetah to run alongside a Jeep Cherokee. And you're at home like 3 2 1 [ __ ] off.
It's [ __ ] mean. What if you made something, dick? Anyway, the ad was a PSA. It was a um a antismoking message. It was a Puerto Rican man with a hole in his throat. He was like, "My father smoked and my mother smoked. I wish I never smoked in my life. Please don't smoke cigarettes. Cigarettes are very, very bad for you.
First thought I had was, why does he still have an accent? It's coming out. Feels like if you bypass the mouth, you shouldn't have an accent anymore. Does the machine have a a setting for Puerto Rican? Is that just how air sounds coming out of this guy? Does he fart with his accent? Anyway, after the ad, I watched the video that I was looking for, which was a scene from a movie, and it's a scene that I really hate.
Every time I see it, it makes me angry, which is why I was looking for it on YouTube. And it's a mo movie I like. I actually like the movie. Uh, it's called Goodwill Hunting. You remember Goodwill Hunting? Of course. Right. Matt Damon play great performance. He plays a very complicated young man wing a tight t-shirt for a whole movie. And here's the thing.
Here's my issue with Goodwill Hunting. Matt Damon also wrote the movie. Okay, so he basically sat down. He's like, first of all, I'm amazing. I'm a construction worker. I'm like working class and I drink beer and I get in fights. I get in so many fights. My friends are like, "You're out of control, man." And I'm like, "Shut up.
This is the way I am." But then also I'm a genius. I'm not I didn't even go to school. I just know things. I don't know why. I just know them. And all the nerdy geniuses that studied for years are like, "He's so much smarter than us. It's making us upset. It's insane. It's [ __ ] insane. It only makes sense if he wrote it for himself to be the guy.
So, the scene I was looking for, it's the worst example of that in the movie. Here's what happens. He goes to a bar and he meets a woman and he likes her and another guy likes her, too. But she picks Matt Damon because he wrote the [ __ ] movie cuz he decided, you understand? She doesn't like him. She likes me.
You better believe it. So he gets her phone number and then he goes outside and he sees the other guy in the window of a restaurant and he decides to taunt him. So he goes over, he tells his friends, "Hey, come here. Watch this." And he says to the guy, "Hey, do you like apples?" And the guy says, "Yes." And Matt Damon goes, "Well, I got a number.
How do you like them apples?" And all Matt Damon's friends go, "OH, this was amazing. OH, OH MY GOD. OH my god. YOU WERE READY WITH THAT. HOW You know how he did it? He wrote the whole [ __ ] movie. Okay. He made everybody say all the things. Otherwise, this doesn't happen. I mean, he hinges the whole [ __ ] prank on the guy liking apples.
The guy must like apples. Who the [ __ ] Who would say yes to do you like apples? coming from a clear antagonist who's SETTING HIM UP, GATHERED his friends. Do you Wait, guys. Watch this. Do you like apples? God damn it, I do. I wish I didn't. So, I can tell this is not going to go my way. But I just I can't lie. He'll know it. He'll know it because boy do I like apples.
Do you understand? If he says no, Matt Damon is [ __ ] He's [ __ ] in the face for life. He's got nothing. Do you like apples? >> No. What the dude [ __ ] guy? No. Come on. Seriously. Seriously. You [ __ ] don't [ __ ] don't [ __ ] do Do you Do Do you like bananas? Do you? Cuz I thought cuz the woman gave me her telephone number.
And And isn't that bananas? I saw a guy I saw a guy peeling a banana the other day. It's another banana juice because Did you hear the other one ended with banana? Banana. I got three banana jokes, by the way. This is number two. Okay. I saw a guy peeling a banana on 6th Avenue and it bothered me.
And I'll tell you why. Because it's the way he peel. When I peel a banana, I hold it around here. I peel down to my hand. Right. This guy holds the banana at the bottom and he just peels the whole thing all the way down. It felt like a guy at a urinal pulling his pants all the way to his ankles. I was like, "Dude, tmi with that banana right now.
What are you making a smoothie on 6th Avenue? What are you doing?" The banana was like, "Hey, you don't even know how much you're going to eat. I have a bruise right here. kind of got lost in the banana shame there. You want to hear the other banana one now? Yeah. All right. Okay. So, I was at the grocery store and I needed bananas. So, I go over to where the bananas are and there's a black woman at the bananas.
It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. I swear. I understand. White people are very scared of discussing bananas and black people in the same conversation. I understand. IfI have a black friend over, I would never offer him a banana. I just I don't know why. I just wouldn't do it. Hey, you want a banana? Why the [ __ ] you asking me? Hey, man. Sorry.
Have a apple. I'm really sorry. These are just the facts of the case. All right. I was in the store looking for bananas and and there was a black woman at the bananas and I wanted I didn't want to go there while she's there because of co we're all giving each other space. So I I but I do want to be next. So I'm waiting.
And she's kind of taking a long time. And the longer she takes, the longer I am a white man watching a black woman choose bananas. And this is an awful thing about the world today because I know I'm not doing anything wrong, but I feel [ __ ] bad. I feel [ __ ] bad. So, I went to the strawberries and there's a [ __ ] Jew with the strawberries.
>> Here's a nice one. That's the Jew. I'm not going to do the black woman. No, I'm not. You know why? Cuz I'm not afraid of Jews. That's really That's the bottom line. I'm not scared of Jews. I don't find Jews to be frightening. Unless you're in Palestine, then they're terrifying. It's very different. Over there.
They're like, "The Jews are killing us." And here we're like, "Really? The Jews? We've been slapping them around for years. Anyway, this banana is too hard. Well, this banana is soft, but I'm not going to have it till Tuesday. I'm going to buy the hard one and wait. Just trying to be fair. Just trying to be fair to the Jews. Lord have mercy.
Anyway, [cheering] [applause] don't worry. I'm an old man. I'll be gone very soon. I worry about getting old only cuz I don't want to lose my memory, you know? I mean, some of it I would love to lose, but it doesn't work that way. You got to take it all or none, I guess. But I lose I forget things, you know? Like, remember Fonza from Happy Days? I don't remember him.
I don't even know what you're talking about. I forget weird things, you know? Like, I was walking down the street once in New York and there was a guy in a van and he rolled down the window and he said, "Hey, get in the van and suck my dick. And I said, "All right." You know, so I got in the van and you know, I was trying to pull the door, the sliding door, but it kept and he's like, "It just shuts. Don't you don't have to.
" I was like, "Sorry." He's like, "It's everybody does that. It's okay." So, I'm kneeling on the floor of the van on like a purse and there's no lady in there, but I'm like, "I came here to suck this guy's dick, not like take inventory. This is work." So, I started sucking his dick and about halfway through, I'm guessing, I remembered that I don't really like doing that.
Senior moment. Some people worry about getting old because they think it means that they're dying, which it does. But this doesn't worry me. I don't worry about dying because I think it's necessary. I think it's something that you just have to do. You should do it. It's when it's your turn, you should do it.
If somebody, you know, your doctor says you're dying, just say, "Okay, and die. Don't, you know, maybe a miracle. [ __ ] you. Get in the ground. Just take your turn." I really think that way now. I didn't used to, but I do because I, you know, when I started thinking that way was when my my mom died. My mom died a couple years ago. of anorexia.
She was uh 300 lb. She was bad at it. I know it's [ __ ] up, right? What a piece of [ __ ] Anyway, she would have liked that joke. She would have My mom's [ __ ] was [ __ ] She was gross. And I remember when uh she was dying, I was I was alone with her and the the nurse said, "This is this is imminent." I was like, "What does that mean?" She goes, "It's in a she's going to die in a minute." Like, just say in a minute.
It's so close. Anyway, I was alone with her and she died. And I was like, "Fuck, they're going to think I did it." Obviously, I didn't want to lose my mom. I really didn't. But I but we had this one conversation like two weeks before she died when we we were talking about it and I said, "Mom, I don't want you to die.
" And she said, "You'll get over it." That's what she said. And I did. But in the moment, I wasn't willing to accept it. I was like, "I don't want you to go." She said, "But we're going in order. Do you understand? This makes sense. I'm your mother." I'm like, "Mom, stop talking like that. This is sad." She goes, "No, it's not.
Look at it this way. Do you want me to never die?" I was like, "No, I don't want that at all." And it helped me get in touch with an important idea, which is that dying is important. It's every generation's greatest contribution to history is that they die. It's the only thing that keeps things moving.
It's the only reason there's any progress in the human race is that folks keep [ __ ] dying. Every generation has had a mix of of douchebags and amazing people and boring, great, good, whatever. But they're all [ __ ] dead. Every [ __ ]one. Thank god they're all [ __ ] dead. There's a limit to how much any of the good ones did.
And the shitty ones got to stop being shitty. It's a great system. Now when you look at the internet and all these people, you're like, "What the [ __ ] is happening?" They're It's okay. They're all going every all of them are going to die. I mean, you don't want to die. [applause] >> You don't want to die. You don't want your loved ones to die.
But that's a selfish wish when you think about what would happen if nobody died. What kind of world would this be if there was no dead? Nobody if we still had people here from the 1100s. It's hard enough having people here from the 50s. Just sir, just scan the code on the table. There's no menu. >> What? I don't understand.
>> Jesus Christ. You want to go through that with Pontious Pilot and Charlemagne? [ __ ] pain in the ass. [ __ ] old people that don't want to [ __ ] just When you get older and you start going, "Everything's so crazy now." No, it's fine. Just get the [ __ ] out. It's great. They're not going to make it work for you. You're here for 10 more minutes.
Just get the [ __ ] out. If you're in an airport and you're looking at the toilet and you're like, I don't understand how this works. It's time for you to die. That's what that means. These toilets are for the next people. Get the [ __ ] out. That's the way I look at my life now. I I had some good, I had some bad, but I'm done.
I mean, I'll hang around cuz I'm curious. But I'm so interested in the way things are going. I really am. It's such an interesting time. such a we're on a hinge. It's such a cool thing to experience that. I'm excited about a lot of what's coming. There's things that are hard now, but that's the way it is. Things are going to get I think it's exciting what's happening.
I think young people today have some great ideas. They're being a little [ __ ] about some of them, but the ideas are good. The ideas are good. Like when I was growing up, we had two genders, male and female. Now you have all these expansion teams. I think it's very exciting. It is. And the best idea is this gender fluid thing. This is a great [ __ ] idea.
Gender fluid. The idea, the way I barely understand it is that you you just something in the middle. It's like a fretless base. You don't have to be the specific pictures. What a dumb way to do it. These are the kinds of people you can be. Which one are you? I don't feel like any of those people.
Then you're a failure. You have to fight. Start acting like these people so we know what to call you. Why? Just make it a what? It's just a what? Just all cart. I like dicks. I don't like balls. I'm a this and that. Moving through it, changing when it feels like it. I wish what I'm saying is I wish we had that when I was a kid because I think our generation got hurt by the rigidity of identities and how you had to just stick to them. You had to pick one right away.
You're 8 years old. What are you? I'm a I'm a boy. What do you like, girls? Vaginas. Love vaginas. I'm 8 years old. I never saw one, but I'm committing my life to them right now. I didn't even get to smell one for a second. Just a sniff. All right. What else you got? [applause] >> 10 years old. Are you gay? No.
No. No. I hate dicks. Hate them. What? I know. I didn't even get to fidget with one for a minute. This banana's too hard. I'm not saying I wish I could have blown all my friends to see what it's like, but on Fourth of July there were fireworks. I was with Matt. There was a feeling. I don't know what could have happened.
I have no idea cuz we were so scared. We were so We're afraid to seem gay when I was a kid. Cuz in the 70s the stereotypes showed you what everybody's like. Men are like this >> and then the women have to act like this and then gay people are like they're just tired. That was gay people in the 70s. I'm gay. Help. I'm gay. I can't even do anything.
That's what gay men were in the 70s. You ever meet a gay person? You don't [ __ ] with gay people. Not today. They're all athletes, first of all. And they they got their [ __ ] together. They're [ __ ] They're [ __ ] gay people. If your landlord's gay, they're billionaires. They own Apple. They're in the cabinet.
They're in the Navy. They're they're they're cowboys and Indians and construction workers. Gay men are men. You ever go in a gay owned business? He's like, "Can I help you?" Like the gays in there, but he's [ __ ] tough now. It's my story, [ __ ] What do you want? Gay men are men now. They're their fathers, their husbands. They're men.
Today's heterosexual men are [ __ ] I don't know how that happened. And but they're [ __ ] [applause] I'm saying that with love and as an old man on his way out the door, but they're [ __ ] [ __ ] They're intelligent and they're evolved, but they're [ __ ] They're with a pajama shorts and they're just pale, almost blue.
My wife got a promotion today. Oh, goodfor you, [ __ ] I'm so happy. I am. I'm happy for him. Sounds like a good they have a good life together. But it takes some getting used to for me. And when I see a progressive young couple, I always want to stop him and ask her, "Is that turning you on? Please tell me.
Is that sexy? He's with a pin man's handpipe just with strawberry smoke." She's like, "Well, he's very intelligent and he's conscientious, but does he make your [ __ ] wet?" [ __ ] no. He's a [ __ ] But I love him. And again, great. It's another kind of dude. The [ __ ] straight dude. It's another kind of guy. Welcome. We should have all OF IT.
THE WHOLE SPECTRUM, the whole alphabet, all of it. But somebody does have to be just straight [ __ ] You You have to have that. It doesn't have to be the most important, but you do need it because it's where it all [ __ ] comes from until they figure out some other [ __ ] This is where life still starts. If you if you want to eat local and organic, you got to respect that someone's got to have a hard dick [ __ ] a [ __ ] That's that's where every trans every gay person came from.
Two boring straight people [ __ ] I mean that's just for now. It's someone needs to have you could know with an original dick, not a turned inside out [ __ ] wrapped in thigh flesh, which is wonderful. Wonderful. You got to respect that. You do. Somebody who wants to be themselves so bad, they rip their balls off.
That takes balls to do that. It does [ __ ] respect. But someone's got to have a a factory dick with matching numbers [ __ ] a wet farmraised [ __ ] [applause] Thank you very much. Good night everybody.
