Only Conservatives will Laugh at this "Offensive" Comedian | Jeff Dye Compilation - YouTube
Transcripts:
I'm so tired of everyone thinking that I support Donald Trump just because I think he's cool and I voted for him twice listen guys it's quite an accusation don't judge your book me out of this keep my name out your mouth this is Jeff D one of my favorite conservative comedians I'll be honest man men and women aren't equal I'm sorry if that hurts your little stupid ears we're not we're not equal cuz equal means the word same we're not the same in fact that's my favorite thing about a woman is that she's not a
dude quit pretending we're the same I don't walk around I could have a baby if they'd let me I can't people try to make it we we we we're equal we're I want it to be equalized no you don't when any one of you got a babysitter tonight how many of you picked a dude none of you not because you're sexist but because you're not dumb cuz the baby would fall off the balcony and you'd be like why was the baby on the balcony he's like I don't know I came out to smoke I love gay people but I don't believe in gay marriage because
I'm a Christian I believe marriage is between a man and a young woman sold by her parents in exchange for cattle crops and Village safety biological male is is a male we know it but we have to play along or else everyone's going to cry or cancel you or you don't get to work anymore if you really believe a biological male that identifies as a woman is a woman all right ask yourself this if your son came to Thanksgiving dinner with his new girlfriend and it's clearly like a biological male you're telling me when
they leave you're not gossiping about that with your whole family I can play along at a Starbucks hey nice to meet you thank you ma' but when she starts beating up other ladies the UFC Octagon I have to go maybe I formed some opinions here why can't we just make the sports sex based oh no I know that you identify as a woman but your your sex is is male so you have to play with all the other people that have the same sex as male it's a separate trans League there's only like eight trans people in the whole [ __ ] world they're going to
have a whole league they be like when Ron Rousey did UFC there's like four other women doing it like I'm the Beast you're not the Beast PA was in Japan going I could beat the [ __ ] out of this lady I hate that little [ __ ] who tried to kill Donald Trump I hate that guy and he's dead yeah he's eliminated yeah I'm also kind of surprised that we're not still talking about that that's a little unusual no matter who it was I got to imagine if someone tried to blow off Camala Harris's head that there would be at least some
protests or some [ __ ] like nothing it lasted two days cuz it's Donald Trump like I hear more about hakuya girl than the [ __ ] guy I will say he got a little bit of a rod deal because they were like we looked through his phone and before before he shot tried to kill the former president he looked at porn the [ __ ] are they putting that in there for you see what I'm saying that's unfair to him that could be any one of us you know porn didn't do that wasn't porn that made him like it's not like he was whacking off like I think I'm going to
kill a guy tonight it's unfair to him I'm just saying no matter what I do in my life good or bad leave my goddamn search history out of this you know that is don't publish my search history I you wouldn't find much it's just a lot of home runs and titties you know in a town like Portland OR Seattle one of these [ __ ] towns Seattle is a little blue dot surrounded by Red Portland little blue dot surrounded by Red Austin little blue dot a lot of red a lot of red and these towns are so be they're very artistic they're they're my
favorite for that reason but they they get cocky and in their cute little safe blue circle they start talking [ __ ] like these [ __ ] stupid hick racist you're like shut the [ __ ] up right there they can he her you and they're armed right nobody's factoring that you can't walk around popping off like very racist morons they one day they're going to go let's get Austin you know and that's going to take I don't know 4 minutes like can you imagine that war just all of Texas like and then the the front lines of Austin are just these
guys with stupid mustaches and the bikes with the big front wheels like Welcome to Austin boys you fucku they're going hit him with the Poetry you're like no not the there's no poetry Jesus Christ get him with the Hacky Sacks like [ __ ] dead it's so like hard to figure out what the Modern Woman is like I've no idea how you operate you're all different right men we men are different but we're all the same right if you've dated one man you know how to do it right there's patterns and thing like we're very similar while also being a
little of Our Own thing but we're we're the same women all different and proud of it you're like I'm unpredictable you're like just be predictable once what what you can't put me in a box I'm like be in a box [ __ ] please sometimes no patterns I used to have no car I lived in New York I had no car all the women in my life were like he doesn't even have a car grow up he doesn't even have a car he's a grown man no car right so then I get a car they're like that's a [ __ ] car that's a shitty car that's a poor guy
car so then I got breed right I got an expensive car same women were like dude dou bag what a douche bag look at look at this car I know when he had no car now he's got this he's changed he's changed pluging a tiny dick driving this car around like all right I don't I don't know what [ __ ] car can I get I don't know I was on a DAT with a woman I'm like hold the door I'm like my lady and she's like I can get my own [ __ ] door want to deal with a different chick she's like what I'm like what she's like get the
[ __ ] door all I don't know there's no pet you don't follow any rules no systems no way to figure out how you work you just got to figure it out every woman's like I'm complicated I'm like a Rubik's Cube you know then you solve the Rubik's Cube she's like I don't want to be solved I'm a soku now you're like God damn it what the [ __ ] the rules on that by the way is it just anything goes as long as you're not a straight white guy are these the rules just anything just literally I was I saw some of the most homophobic
[ __ ] comedy I've ever seen in my life and everyone's like well it's a fat black guy so it's fine you're like what the [ __ ] happening got Asian guys saying the n-word I'm like what the [ __ ] the rules who's can Netflix police it can someone police it I call like food gay and everyone's like what the [ __ ] is he doing up there someone bounc him from the hotel Cafe but a gay guy will say the most horrific [ __ ] you've ever heard and everyone's like oh he's sassy like what the that's the most cultur [ __ ] I've
ever heard but because he sucks dick everyone's like w give him a special [ __ ] let's give him a special he's earned it he's been doing comedy for 3 [Applause] months everyone wants to talk about slavery that we abolished in this country but not the current slavery that made this or my shoes or all the things you wear or how about the sex trafficking how about the women that are slaves right now like you can't do it on this patch of dirt but if you just move it to that patch of dirt now you can do unethical things now it's fine it's so
hypocritical when I hear like LeBron talk about slavery that happened in our country over a hundred years ago while he's dripping and Nike how dumb can you be to pretend to care about slavery while you're making what a billion or something I just think there's honest money and then there's dishonest money like the money they paid the people to endorse K Harris yeah that's Prett dishonest money right there cardi B Beyonce I saw a Target ad and the the poster was like a beautiful black male model and then like a beautiful white uh
female model and she had orange curly hair and they were holding an Asian baby I'm like what the [ __ ] is this did they steal this baby like what the [ __ ] happen what's the message here Target the answer is to love it all accept it all be nice not [ __ ] clog it up so you look virtuous it's very annoying right have you ever been to the woods it's doing fine it's nature it works it didn't need any political intervention it didn't need you walking into the woods going ah this is just disgusting the squirrels aren't even
hanging out with the [Music] Bears I'm not coming back to the coyotes are [ __ ] the deer you're like what the [ __ ] diversity is only good if it's natural not [ __ ] forced so you to show off to your friends how good you are they were like wouldn't it be great of all the races and religions and cultures wouldn't it be great if all the people were just together and what and then you go to a place where that's happening like Time Square and you're like [ __ ] this the [ __ ] is he eating what's she wearing what are they
saying I miss my group to Universal Studios and I was realizing how expensive it is to go to Universal Studios cuz I went from like living in a car to now having money so I've had like both sides of it and they'll be like what would you do if you had [ __ ] you money and I was like I know I'll probably start a family you know these jokes do a lot better when there isn't so many women in the crowd my ideal crowd is just all dudes and three Butch lesbians trying to fit in you know he was going give them hell boss
like that's my crab I love the women we love you we love you it's just fun to make fun of you that's all also it's fun you guys don't understand sometimes I'll complain I go dude I wasn't doing these jokes for you yeah women have plenty of hero comedians you're fine these jokes are for your husbands and boyfriends yeah that's for them like no one talks like this anymore all men used to talk like this now no men this is brave what I'm doing right now right no men speak like this and and you're going to leave mad and your husband he'll turn
on me that's part of it you know you're going to leave and you're going to be driving home you're like that comedian was a [ __ ] [ __ ] back there and then he's going to be like yeah no terrible guy I didn't agree with him at all you know but his weight's been lifted you know he's messaging me like that's great where can I send money that's you know like this you know these guys need this there's no men things anymore so I I'll be the guy that can watch my [ __ ] and then leave feeling a little better and women
go well I don't like well you know it's keeping you alive these boys they [ __ ] they bottle this [ __ ] up and then they just bottle it up they don't get any guy they can't get it out and then you wake up in the Hudson River with your head [ __ ] cut off you know cuz they bottled it up let them come to The Jeffy Show let them get it out you know this is healthy for them these boys need it right that's all fishing used to be all fishing was was you and your boys you know committing 80 little murders so you didn't come home and do one big
one so you might hate this special but it might save some nice woman's life you know for the last 5 months I've been conducting a social experiment online to expose how gullible and how delusional the left is a lot of people genuinely thought I was a trans person cuz it's hard to tell the difference sadly between comedy and someone who's genuine about being trans I don't know what everyone's so upset about this dude pretending to be trans isn't that what trans is all about that's the definition for me also no one
cared that he was doing that you don't care if it is or isn't that's my sentiment towards trans people do what you'd like I'm not upset with you just stop trying to get taxpayer money for your cosmetic surgery stop making it like a social thing because I don't agree with it doesn't mean I hate you and I want you to have harm I can love you and be polite in society I'm just not asking it to burden everyone else for I had to stopped talking to a girl recently um we were messaging back and forth on Instagram I never met her just
we're just messaging and then I found out she was 19 years old yeah and I was like we can't I was like we can't do this she's like why I was like cuz you're 19 and I'm 38 she goes oh my God age is just a number I was like yeah it's also how many years old you are kind of important I think also I don't like cliches age is just a number that's a dumb cich [ __ ] that's like me being like HIV is just letters no no jokes aren't funny cuz they're true you might have heard that like that's funny cuz it's true that's not
why things are funny otherwise you'd read the newspaper and you'd be like War again things are funny just cuz they're funny and sometimes there's some overlap of truth that's true but not always I'll give it a good example of it what I truly feel about women what I really think in my heart of hearts I grew up in a house full of women I think women are better human they're more ethical they're generally smarter they care more about like human services most nurses and people that find themselves in those kind of fields are female uh I
think they're more uh empathetic they're more sympathetic philanthropically they're statistically they're more philanthropic they're more maternal you see how none of this is funny it's the truth it's how I really feel but it's not funny we've got to make fun of these [ __ ] that's how Comedy Works people get mad when you make fun of the homo I'll tell you these people came to my show these women in Seattle they were very like we're so good and we're going to tell them how bad he is but I said her I said oh I'm
sorry that you felt that way you must care a lot about the homeless and she goes I do and I go do you help with the homeless she goes no and I go the [ __ ] I was like I help with the homeless every month I go down to downtown Los Angeles and I feed the Homeless for a couple hours I I not heroic I just feed them I get some material and I leave it's mutually beneficial but I help with the homeless but this chick she don't help she's yelling at me about jokes but but then doesn't help with the basically what I'm getting at
is homelessness is a lot like professional women's basketball we're going to get mad if someone makes fun of it but we're not going to go to a game if it's on TV we change the channel real fast you just want to make sure nobody's being sexist and then ignore it like it's not a dog [ __ ] product now our news is some sort of weird weird Harry Potter like [ __ ] [ __ ] it's like that the drag queens can't dance for children anymore I'm like what the [ __ ] is this and I don't know anything about the subject I don't
know what side you fall on but I I know a [ __ ] gig when I hear it has anyone ran this by the drag queens right if like if my boss tonight was like Jeff you're on in 20 minutes uh we got 300 children out there be like I'm not going to [ __ ] do this show that's happening right now in Portland somewhere some drag queen getting doled up and then her boss is like hey Cherry poop you're on in 10 we got a house full of children and Cherry poop's going what the [ __ ] children I didn't get all doled up and push my wiener bag for a bunch of
[ __ ] children I'm not going to lip sync to pop my [ __ ] to a bunch of [ __ ] kids I was going to grind dance on a crucifix get these [ __ ] kids out of here everything bad now science science is [ __ ] dead what happened to science we're just done with science now right biology's out the window don't even don't even mention biology holy [ __ ] you won't be able to work tomorrow biology's just out weather you can't there's no weather anymore remember when they used to use terms like wind chill and chill factor that's gone now now I was in Utah
yesterday I checked the weather it was like it said at 30° and then underneath it it said but it feels like what do you mean feels like what you have a teenager down at the station like go out there tell us what it feels like sweetheart but it feels like 10 I think I don't know how it feels doctors are using the term Spectrum that's very you're on this spectrum what do you mean I'm on a spectrum let's dial it in what do I have why is it a spe oh there's a [ __ ] guys on the same Spectrum as my friend who likes swords a little too
much I need to know what I got do I need a [ __ ] Helmet or a pills let's get specific it's very annoying what' you think about Jeff Dy is this the type of Comedy we need in 2025 drop a comment down below don't forget to subscribe to conservative Vibes I'm CV and I'll see you in the next video [Music]
