The Whitest Kids U' Know Present: The Civil War On Drugs [Broadcast Edit] - YouTube
Transcripts:
[announcer] And now, a Whitest Kids U' Know feature presentation. [military drum beats music] In the year 1861, the tensions between the Northern and Southern states were at an all-time high. Enraged by perceived unjust taxation, the South saw itself as the victims of Northern extortion. The North struggled desperately to keep the young nation intact as our forefathers had envisioned.
The threat of violence loomed no longer as a possibility, but as a certainty. No one knew where, no one knew when, but war was coming. [dramatic music] -[children chattering] -[school bell ringing] Remember, class, read your Nietzsche, -read your Nietzsche. -[bluegrass music] Oh, Sam, you've forgotten your book, there you go. Yoink.
Okay, and you've forgotten it again. Uh, Sam? Sam, Sam, you know, I can't help but notice that this is your thirteenth stab at the fifth grade, and I'm just wondering if something is wrong. Well, maybe I don't give a [censored] about school. Ah, okay, okay. Ah, tell me, Sam, is there anything that you give a [censored] about -Hmm.
-[bluegrass music continues] Well, I guess I kinda like math. [gasping] Really? Sam, that's amazing! -We could always-- -Psych! Okay, okay, Sam, uh, excuse me, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you not to return to school anymore. So... I, like, graduated? You failed, Sam. What's the difference? Just don't come back to school. Whatever. -Suck it, nerd.
-[laughing] [bluegrass music continues] You stupid, stupid boy. -Ha, ha! -[lively classical music] Thrust and parry, son, thrust and parry! -Ha! -Dude, -Dad, I don't wanna do this. -[swords scraping] It's like 11:00 in the morning. Oh, come now, son, I'm training you to be a real man! Now bounce like I do, en garde! Ha-ha! -Sometimes-- -[swords clashing] You're not bouncing! -C'mon, bounce like this. -[swords clashing] -Ha-ha, ha-ha! -[lively music continues] -What's up, Trevor? -Ha! Hey, Sam. Samuel, to what do we owe the pleasure?
-Ah, ah-ah! -[sword slapping] Ah, ah, ah-ah! Oh, oh-oh, good form, son, you've taught me to never let my guard down, even against my own child. [chuckling] And that is bleeding, ha! Well, off to the doctor, I suppose. Good day, kids. -Oh. [gasping] -[lively classical music] Oh. -Your dad's such a nerd. -Yeah.
Got fired from school today. Oh, that's cool. Hey, you wanna go get wasted and check out the Johnsons' new slave? [scoffing] Yeah! -♪ Oh, [censored] white people ♪ -[rake scraping] ♪ Me wish them all die ♪ ♪ Me hate white people ♪ ♪ Got a lotta reasons why ♪ ♪ Soulless devil ♪ ♪ Wrapped in translucent skins ♪ ♪ Mm, mm-mm-mm ♪ Wow, his hair looks crazy. Yeah, it looks like he's got a spider on his head.
-I heard he's from Jamaica. -♪ Mm, mm-mm ♪ Oh, [censored], I think he sees us. -Oh. -[feet shuffling] [rake thumping] Oh, he's coming over here. -What are we gonna do? -Where's my sword? How you little white boys doing? Hi. Would any of you have a match? [hands patting] [matches rattling] [horse braying] Hmm.
[match scratching] So, what are you doing? I'm workin' my ass off! Um, I, I, I'm sorry, uh, please forgive me, but I, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stop distracting my slave. You see, it's almost the end of harvest and we are a bit understaffed as of late, so really, I just need everyone working at full capacity, so I, I, I hope you understand.
[censored]! I didn't buy you to [censored] socialize! I bought you to work your ass off in my [censored] field! I swear to God, if I catch you slacking off one more time, I'll shove a big-- Mr. Johnson, why don't you just chill out? -He's just taking a break. -Yeah. [laughing] Bless your souls, you don't understand.
You see, I have three more fields to work before the month is out and I can't spare one more moment to bad time management, I, I, I hope you understand. Did you get a haircut? [chuckling] [censored] you, [censored] you, [censored] you! Where in the [censored] did you get the idea that you could just lollygag over here and just flap your [censored] gums at these two nice young boys?! It's okay.
It is okay, see you in church. I hate white people. Yeah, that guy's a dick. He took me from me home and my family and brought me in chains here to this Babylon where me work like a dog. Yeah, my teacher was white, she was always making me do dumb [censored]. Took me from me children, now I have two boys who have no father.
Yeah, my dad's always trying to make me be a fancy gentleman, we're pretty much in the same boat. Me ask God, "When, when you gonna strike down these white people?" Yeah, that'd be rad. Yeah, if God was just like, "Suck it." [laughing] Suck it, white people. -Suck a [censored]. -[bluegrass music] Me name's Bob. Hey, you wanna get faced with us? [door squeaking] This is where I stay.
Cool, bunk beds! Have a seat. So, you got any cups? We could play quarters. Nah-nah, me not drink none of that devil's juice. What? I thought we came here to get ripped. [Bob laughing] [laid-back reggae music] [laid-back reggae music continues] Why have I never heard of this before? This is amazing. I wanna feel like this forever. [Bob chuckling] A gift from me to you.
Whoa. Are you sure? I have plenty, I planted a bed out back. This stuff grows like weeds. [chuckling] Wait, am I, am I not being cool? What? No, you're being cool. Oh. [sighing] What? What am I, am I not being cool? What? Am I not being cool right now? It's okay, everybody's being cool. Am I not being cool? [laid-back reggae music] [music continues]
[music ends] Do you think in Jamaica they have farms where white people work for free all the time? No. I do. Excuse me, is the master of the house around? The doctor's visitin' him again. His arm's infected. Will you relay a message to him? I don't really do that. It's frightfully important. They're doing it. We're seceding.
Succeeding at what? From the Union! There's a mandatory meeting at the church tonight. [stoners groan] Church? Tell your father we're a new nation! [upbeat patriotic music] That dude was stoned. [Trevor chuckles] [crowd clamoring] So she said, I have some more shoes for you, and... -[background chatter] -All right. Quiet, everyone. Quiet.
Now, we have just received word from Richmond about the state of affairs in our land. Now, some of this information I'm about to read to you is certainly true. Some of what I'm about to read is certainly mere conjecture. And some of what I'm about to read might even be misinformation purposefully spread by the North itself.
[crowd clamors] Now, the first piece of news I have is that as of today, Virginia has officially seceded from the United States of America. [crowd cheers] Yeah! Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Okay, quiet, quiet. Now, the second bit of news I have here is that as we speak, the North is currently amassing an army on the Union border in preparation for war.
-What? -[crowd clamoring] And the third bit of information we have tells us that the Union is currently training an army of invincible wolf men [crowd gasps] who are like wolves in every regard save for the fact that they can fly. [crowd screams] We need to hide somewhere! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That might be the misinformation. [crowd sighs] -That makes sense.
-That might be -the misinformation. -Right, right. But I think the exciting news here today is that we are -[upbeat patriotic music] -now our own country. [crowd cheers] Hey, that means that we get to design our own flag. You're right! Oh good, everyone. Fun. I got a blank flag right here. -Great! -Oh yeah. What should it look like? It should look tough but also like we're crazy.
Like we fight somebody just for being different than us. Yeah! I like it, I like it. It should be red with a big X on it. It'll have red and X's and no one will mess with the red and X's. Yeah, yeah. It'll have stars, right? Well, of course it's gonna have stars. It's a flag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true, that's true.
We could put a naked girl on the flag with like big whoppers and she's sittin' in her doorway and you're walkin' through town and she's like, "Hey stranger, come over here," and you're like, "What do you want, woman?" And she's like, "So you can come in "and have supper at my place," and you're like, "I'm a good Christian man "with a wife at home.
"I can't be hanging around with strange women," and she's like, "I ain't goin' bite you, mister," and you're like, "I don't know." But then all of a sudden the rain starts comin' almost as if God himself is pushin' you toward her doorway. So you'll go in and she's sittin' down and she's got a hot meal, and it's been a long time 'fore you've had a hot meal and a cold pillow. So you sit down and she takes a napkin, tucks it into your collar.
Now it's been a long time before you felt the fingers of a woman. So you get mighty excited. Then all of a sudden her sisters come over and you're like, "How many sisters?" One sister, two sister, three sister, four sister. Five sister. Five sisters come over. So you're like, "Oh my God, I gotta get out here. "The devil is temping me.
" But then all of a sudden her clothes fall off and you're like, "What? "How did that happen?" A woman's clothes just fall right off her body. Then your clothes fall off and you're like, "What? "What's going on here?" Then an earthquake happens. You both land in the tub. What are you doing? I don't know. I'm just talkin'.
[crickets chirp] Well, let's print this thing up, huh? Yeah! And we'll tear all of the other flags down. No more Union flags around, y'all. From now on, we will only acknowledge the red X's. The Union flag is illegal. [crowd cheers] The Union flag is illegal. The Union flag is illegal. -[crowd cheers] -[patriotic music] Yeah, [censored] the Union! [crowd clamors] Man, I'm so excited about this.
[crowd clamors] I'm excited. Hey, that's illegal. What? You're illegal. You can't have that, that's against the law! Yeah, we just made that illegal. Get 'em! [dramatic music] [men knock] [Trevor] Bob. Bob, open the door. Bob, it's about the weed stuff. Bob. Bob, open up. [door creaks] What are you guys doing here? Everybody tried to murder us. Oh.
We were just walkin' through town smokin' some of your weed stuff and all of a sudden everybody came outta nowhere and said that they'd made it illegal. What? Yeah, we were just minding our own business smokin' the weed stuff when everyone tried to chase us around and throw us in jail. What? [sighs] We were walkin' through town smoking some of the weed stuff.
[censored] white people. Hey, yeah, they were white. [censored] white people. A white man will try anything to keep you down. This is not illegal. This is holy. This is from God. When is God gonna tell white people to suck it? One thing's for sure, Bob. If they catch you smokin' that stuff, there's no telling what they'll do. So there's one thing for sure.
There's no telling what they'll do. Don't be a dick to me, Bob. I'm trying to help you. Bob, what we're trying to say is you gotta leave town. [upbeat reggae music] I may have heard of an underground railroad that helps slaves escape. Maybe I can use it to get up north. Whoa, timeout. What? That sounds awesome.
Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry but I must be too high 'cause I thought he just said that there's an underground railroad somewhere. Well, that's what I heard. Bob, you should just be doing that anyway. That sounds amazing. Where does the smoke go? Okay, Bob, you go take your cave-train thing. Sam and I are gonna try to talk some sense into these people and then when the coast is clear, you can come back. I'm probably not going to come back.
Oh, right. Well, to like visit us. Me not coming back. Right. Okay. Well, Bob it was awesome meeting you. This has been an incredible three days. I'm really sorry you have to move. This is a good thing. Right, okay. Bob, best of luck. Sam, I have a plan. [upbeat music] [music continues] So what are we doing here, boss? The man can't keep us down if we get the people organized.
So we need to send a message to every newspaper and let him know that we're gonna throw a demonstration this weekend to try to keep the weed stuff legal. How are we gonna get 'em to show up? Easy, we'll say it's mandatory. That's what that weird stone dude said at the front gate today. And look how many people showed up to his thing. And that dude was talking crazy talk.
Yeah, I know. And all you gotta do is figure out a way to bust in here. Oh, it's easy. All buildings are made of wood. [wood ripping] Nice work, dude. Thank you. [wood ripping] All right. Do you know how to work this thing? Oh, it's easy. You just say what we want to send and then I just tap it really fast.
Just remember to pause after each sentence. Okay. How does that work though? I don't know, how do trains work? Good point. Okay. Attention Virginians, this is an important message from a secret resistance movement. -Good pause. -All right.
Do you like smoking that weed-like stuff that makes you high when you smoke it? So do we. Did you know that some people are making it illegal? Isn't that gay? It's totally true. Tonight almost everyone in town tried to kill us. If you think that sucks, like we do, then meet us at-- Hey, where should we do this? I don't know. How about that big ass field behind the rock quarry? Perfect. Meet us at that big ass field behind the rock quarry.
Attendance is mandatory. [bell rings] [footstep plodding] Holy smokes, a telegram came in the night. My God, the telegraph machine is broken. [rooster crowing] You know, if this protest goes well, we're gonna have to keep the momentum going. We'll get everybody all jazzed up, and then we'll march 'em straight to Richmond. Then from there we'll get an even bigger group, and take this baby straight to Washington DC.
Should we bring this to Washington DC? Come on, man, it's so lame. All right. [thud] You know, we could be gone for a pretty long time. Guess I should probably go say goodbye to my dad. Should we bring this to your dad? Shut up, Sam. [man screaming] Hey, Dad, how's it going? Trevor. Hi, son. Never been better.
How goes it with you? Pretty good. Just coming by to let you know that Sam and I are gonna -[Dad screaming in pain] -be hitting the road for a bit. A word of warning, son. The doc here has told me the big news. Seems like a lot of people here are quite riled up. It's a powder keg out there. [Trevor] Yeah, I know. I dunno if you read the newspaper or anything this morning, but that whole thing's pretty much Sam and my idea.
Be safe out there, boys. Godspeed. [screaming] [loud thud] [doctor groans] That'll be 10 cents. Fascinating, so by cutting off that arm, you kill the infection in this arm. Wait, what do you mean? What do you mean? [melodic music] Whoa, keep that on the down low, man. There's no telling who's watching. They can suck it.
Well, we said goodbye to my dad. Do you wanna stop in and say anything to your folks? I don't have any folks. Really? What do you mean? Yeah, I'm an orphan, dude. No way. I've known you half my life. How is this news to me? I don't know. You're really an orphan? Yeah, my parents have been dead forever. What? Yeah.
Where do you live? Sleep under a big tree in the middle of the woods. What? Yeah, I'm homeless, dude. No, you're not. Really? Why do you think I'm so psyched whenever you have sleepovers? I don't know, I just always thought you were a little weird. Wow, you must think I'm like a horrible friend or something. Did for a while. Crazy. Kind of got over it. Well, the rally should be just over this ridge here.
We're a little late, but hopefully they waited for us. We gotta get our game faces on. You got the bag full of weed stuff? Right here. You got your speech ready? Pow, right here. Let's get ready to make some history. -[gunfire] -[men screaming] I guess they started without us. -[gunfire] -[men screaming] I didn't think this many people were gonna show up.
Guess people really care about that weed stuff. Yeah, those people look pissed. Those people do too. Maybe we should have specified that this was supposed to be a peaceful demonstration. [acoustic music] [coughing] Hey, thanks for coming out and supporting the cause. Sorry, you got shot. Here's a flyer on weed awareness. Thanks for supporting the cause. Sorry, you got shot.
Here's a flyer on weed awareness. This is crazy. I mean, I knew people would die at our protest, but I didn't think this many. How did this happen? No one's gonna want to come to our stuff anymore if this is what goes on. Hey. [dramatic music] You fought bravely, good soldier. You'll always live on in my heart, but it's time for you to go now.
Your spirit is free. Away now to the land of dreams. -Wow. -Yeah, heavy. [celestial music] You fought bravely, good soldier and you'll always live on in my heart. Oh, he does that for everybody. To the land of dreams. [celestial music] And what's this guy's deal? Hey, what's your deal? Who goes there? What? Union or Confederate? What? Are you from the South or the North? South or North of what? This guy's high as balls.
Are you two for freedom or for oppression? Freedom, dick. Oh, good. It's always nice to meet other supporters of the cause. We are the cause. Yeah, this was all our idea. What do you mean? We organized this whole thing. Oh, my God, I had no idea. I'm so sorry, sirs. See, I just joined this army. I didn't recognize you. I haven't met all my commanding officers yet.
Please don't fire me. You know, I would hate to have to go home. I'm having such a swell time here and see, nobody really likes me back home at all and it's just really hard for me to... Okay, little dude, calm down. Nobody's gonna fire you. He's so high.
Who started all this shooting? Well, I believe it was our side that made the first volley, sir. Well, who told you to do that? Well, our battalion is currently under the command of General Robert E. Lee, sir. I could take you to him. Yeah, he is in so much trouble. Well, follow me, sir. I know the way to Lee's tent.
What's this General Lee guy stupid? Does he have girl brains or something? I mean, look at this place. Excuse me. Ah! Union soldier! Oh, whoa dude. Don't kill people. -Really? -Yeah, not cool man. Okay, well I guess you two are my superiors. But I gotta tell you, that really goes against everything else that everybody's been saying. What? Who's been saying? Just take us to the girl brains.
Today, we've taken our first steps as bloody as they may be, in securing our independence. I ask that each of us take a moment of silence, remember the fallen. Okay, who's the girl brains here? Yeah, who's the dick that screwed up our meeting and told everybody to shoot everybody? That's the general right there.
Where do you get off, man? You know what Santa Claus, you know what you can do? You can suck a big, old, floppy... [guns clicking] -Penis. -Hold on there. Too many men of power surround themselves with "yes men," cowards eager to please. I will listen to voices of dissent, but I ask that you keep your tone a gentlemanly one. -What? -Don't call me girl brains.
Okay, look, today was supposed to be about getting a bunch of like-minded people together, doing a little blazing, and uniting people against the white man. And then, you had all these people kill everybody and now everyone's gonna be pissed. I once thought, as you do, but this country's oppressive government will not listen to anything short of violence. Is not our land our own? To plant and harvest as we please? What right does any man have to tell us what to do with the fruits of our own toils? This is our life. This is our land.
This is our country. Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Okay, all right. Alright, alright, alright. That's all well and good, but you still don't have to kill people. Son, I assure you I take no pleasure and loss of life. It is my goal to minimize the casualties on both sides.
Well, you're doing a terrible job at it. Have you got a better idea? Of course I do. You don't fight with people in your hometown. You go to Washington. You deal with people at the top. You go and you talk to Abraham Lincoln. You would have me lead my men straight to the Capitol? [censored] a capital, we're talking about Washington.
I may be insane for even thinking about this, but your devil-may-care attitude might be just the thing we need to win this war. Of course it is. This whole thing was our idea, dude. Tell you what, today's your lucky day. Against my better judgment, I'm gonna put you two in charge of a small battalion of men.
General Lee, no. Quiet. I'm gonna put you in charge of a brigade, with the task of marching straight to Washington. First thing in the morning, you head straight north and you do not stop until you reach the president himself. Is that understood? Boo-yah. That's the first smart thing I've heard you say since we walked in here.
You. Get these men fed and cleaned up. They have a long journey ahead of them. Sir, you can't send 'em straight north. That whole area is crawling with Union soldiers. And if they don't get 'em, the savages will. You cannot waste an entire squad on a suicide mission. Relax, we'll give them C brigade. Nobody calls me girl brains and gets away with it.
[everyone laughing] That is rich. -That is rich. -Yes. [harmonica music] I ain't gonna lie. When them bad guys started shooting today, I peed all down the front of my war pants. Ain't nobody in C Company gonna blame you for that one, buddy. Guilty as well. I peed the poo outta myself. Well, sirs, this is your company. Listen up, men. These are our new commanders.
This is everybody? There may not be a lot of us. [fire crackling] -You gonna say anything else? -Me? No. Because it sounded like you were gonna say something else, like, "but we're tough as nails" or, "but we've got it where it counts," or something. Oh. No, no, no, no, no. All right. I guess we should do some introductions. I learned this one from my old school. I just graduated.
All right, so all you gotta do is you say your name and one thing you're good at. All right, now just pat your lap like this. -Come on. -[soldiers patting hands] Yeah, -now we're getting it. -[soldiers patting hands] My name is Sam and I'm good at karate. Good at karate. Good at karate. Okay, now, Timmy, take it.
My name is Timmy and I'm a really loyal friend, and I'm a really great listener, and-- I said one thing, Timmy. -Sorry. -[soldiers patting hands] My name is Steve. I go to church a lot. Go to church a lot. Go to church a lot. -Yeah. -My name is Doug and I can cut a rug and I can cut a rug and I can cut a rug. -Alright, Doug. -Way to go, man. My name is Zeke...
and I once killed a man using nothing but his own stomach. Holy Lord. That's Zeke. He's the most dangerous man in the entire army. Some say he's killed over 200 men. The only reason he's in C Company is because he assaulted one of his commanding officers. Zeke, you gotta say it three times. Okay, bud? Alright.
It's, "I killed a man with his own stomach. -I killed a man." -Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam. Zeke. Are you really as good as they say? [gun fires, swooshes] I just shot that bullet perfectly straight up in the air. Well, we're glad to have you aboard. You see, with a man of your reputation, we-- [head splatters] [all screaming] Well, I guess he really was a good shot. The perils of battle. Yeah. You guys gotta be way more careful.
What happened over there on the field today... way outta line. If on the way to DC we run into any more of these anti-protestors, we need -to make sure that we can-- -Anti-protestors? Yeah, those guys you were fighting. Hello, the guys you were fighting today. Come on.
If we run into any more of those dudes, we need to make sure that we're way, way, way more safe. Now, does anybody have any suggestions on how we could do that? You should talk to Doug. He was in 27 battles in the Mexican-American war. Oh, my God. A war? Holy [censored], dude. How'd you survive something like that? Well, I don't like talking about it too much and I ain't proud of what I'd done, but, but I figure y'all should know.
The first battle started with Major Zachary Taylor down in Tijuana. -[suspenseful music] -[weapons firing] -Charge! -[all yelling] Oh, oh, my shoe, my shoe's untied. Guys, go on without me. I'll catch up. -[soldiers yelling] -[weapons firing] And then I just played dead through the whole dang thing.
[laughing] And then for the second battle... -[suspenseful music] -[soldiers yelling] I'll be right with you boys. I think I dropped me a quarter. -[weapons firing] -[suspenseful music continues] And then on my third battle... -[all screaming] -[suspenseful music] Woo-wee. Hold on there, fellas. My stomach is feeling mighty-- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Doug, did you just play dead through all 27 battles? -Not the 24th! -Well, what happened there? I slept in and missed it! Weird that you still say you were in 27. I know! Whoa, Sam, I don't really think you should try to smoke the weed stuff outta that thing. It's okay. I checked it. [gun fires] Did that just shoot? [gentle string music] [rooster crowing] Okay, the first thing we need to do when we get to DC is set up a booth. Steve, that's gonna be your job.
All right? Okay. We're gonna need a [censored] ton of flyers. Not it. Timmy. That'll be your job. Flyers. Got it. Proud to serve. I'm so lucky I found you guys. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's that? -[majestic music] -[birds chirping] [choir vocalizes] [man] The pathway is rough and muddy. Wait, what was that? [man] I said the pathway is rough and muddy. -That's a Confederate code.
-A what-what? We have to yell back the proper response so that he'll know that we're allies. But my bedroom is warm and inviting! My musk is strong and earthy, young one. I have prepared my body with oils and perfumes. I approach as a man on fire. What's going on with these codes, man? I quiver with anticipation as your scent fills my nostrils.
My heart pounds like thunder and my loins throb with blood. I grow moist as I bring you closer and closer. Right into my-- -Hey! -Good to see you! Good to see you, buddy. Alright. Yeah. Yeah. I thought you might be one of them. What, one of those sissy Northerners? No way. [laughing] So what brings you this far north? Spying, doing some spying, for general Stonewall Jackson.
Wow. What have you learned, my handsome friend? Well, Grant's got a few of his elite soldiers coming this way. They should be here in a matter of seconds. Oh, my God. But General Stonewall Jackson's got 400 of the meanest sons of bitches in Dixie heading this way to send them home, crying to their mammies.
Whole thing should go down right here in about one or two minutes. What do we do? I'd say load up your muskets, son. You boys are right in the eye of the storm. Holy crap. Sirs, sirs! Sirs, sirs! Trouble. There's gonna be trouble! A huge battle's about to happen right here in like two minutes. What? Uh-uh. No. We're not doing battles anymore. No, the Union soldiers are headed here right now.
-What? -Anti-protestors! You know what? Good. This will give us a chance to sit down with them and finally talk this whole thing out. [weapon fires] [all gasping] Oh, guys, my stomach is killing me. I must've ate some bad bacon or something. You go on without me. I'll catch up with you later.
-[suspenseful music] -[weapon firing] Oh, oh, oh yeah... My, my stomach hurts too. Oh, that's bad. [weapons firing] Yeah, mine does too. Must be a virus going around or something. [man] Come on, men. Richmond is that a-way. [man 2] Not so fast, Yankee dogs! [man 1] Look, it's the Confederate army. [man 2] Rip 'em apart, y'all. [man 1] Let's get 'em, boys! -We hate you.
-We hate you! Alright, well, kill them, kill them all. -[weapons firing] -[all yelling] -[soldiers grunting] -[suspenseful music] [birds cawing] Hey, dude, they're done. They did it again. These guys, man. Well, that's 28. Shame, shame, shame, what a shame. Oh, that's gonna be a good one. Well, I'll be, looks like we have some people left.
-What? -Names? -What? -Names, please? I'm Trevor Moore and this is Sam. Hey, what is your last name? -Brown. -How did I not know that? -I don't know, man. -That's so funny. I must have just never asked you. -Isn't that funny? -No, not really. Well, it looks like you guys are the only survivors of the biggest battle of this whole mess so far. Yeah.
Look, I know things look bad, but this thing doesn't have to be like this. Yeah. This wasn't how it was supposed to go down. Looks bad. Supposed to go down. Got it. Hey, wait, wait a minute. Who are you? Name's Bernie Templeton. I'm a journalist and a reporter. And you boys just became war heroes. Say cheese! War heroes? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Look, this thing doesn't have to be a wa-- -[camera clicks] -[gentle string music] [man] This came today, General Grant. I want these boys dead. Extra, extra. Read all about it. Local boys become Confederate heroes. [laughing] Don't that beat all. [dogs barking] Well, it looks like your infection somehow got infected. [chuckling] Oh, look at this, Doc.
That there's my boy. [laughing] People can't get enough of this story, sir. These two boys are the talk of the nation. These two girl brains might prove to be useful after all. Send word that they're to abort the suicide mission. They keep heading north to Washington, they're not gonna survive the day.
-Aye, aye, sir. -Did you, did you see I called them the girl brains? -I did, sir. -[chuckling] [birds cawing] So the sun moves from east to west, right? -Yeah. -Then that means that the wind moves from north to south, right? Yeah. Ah, it hurts looking at the sun. Yeah, that's why we use the wind, moron.
So it goes, "never eat -skunks' wieners." -No, no, no. It goes, "never eat skunks' wieners." No, no, no, it goes, "never eat skunks' wieners." -Uh-uh. Never. Yes. -Never. -Eat. -Eat. No, no, no. -Never eat. -Never eat. -It goes this way. -No, you're wrong. -It goes this way. -No, it goes-- Hey, maybe you guys wanna try doing that side by side.
[both] Never eat. Yes. -Skunks' wieners. -Why don't you ever listen to me? Thought you were [censored] for a second. All right. So now we just have to figure out which way the wind is blowing. Yeah. How do we do that? Easy. Just do that. All right. Why did you do that? What? You told me to. -Why did you do that? -You said to.
Don't ever do that. [gasping] Hey, it's that thing. [bright ethereal music] [vocalists singing in foreign language] Hey, guys, the compass says that north is that a-way. -Up that mountain? -That's a hill. Uh, I don't think north is that way, Doug. All right, [censored] this [censored]. It's 5:00 p.m. Let's call it a day. -It's not 5:00 p.m. -Doug, feel the wind. All right, we've been marching for a couple hours now.
Let's just set up camp, okay? Oh, gross. There's blood all over the tent. Oh, yeah, sorry. Dragged it through some dead dude goo at that last battle. [groaning] Here, help me wring it out. [tent squelching] -Ew. -Oh, gross. -[Sam groaning] -Gross. Well, I got the poles, guys. [bright ethereal music] Whoa.
-That looks awesome. -What do you mean? It just kind of looks like big old mess. Here, smoke this. [ethereal music continues] Oh, yeah, that does look kind of cool. I want my shirt to look like that. Oh, good idea. We should tie strings around 'em and then dye 'em in the blood puddle. [tense ambient music] My God, they're decorating themselves with the blood of their victims.
They're savages. I must report this to General Grant at once. Spy, spy, spy, spy. This is the coolest thing that my eyes have ever looked at. Mine looks like it sounds like wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, w
ah, wah, wah, wah, wah-- Yeah, mine looks like it's, like... [Sam and Trevor imitating repetitive sounds] [Doug and Trevor imitating repetitive sounds] Hey, look, it's those things again. [bright ethereal music] [vocalists singing in foreign language] So beautiful. They're coming over here. [tense suspenseful music] Oh, well, what, what do we do? Are, are we dying? My stomach ain't doing me right, guys.
-[Doug thudding] -[tense suspenseful music] -Uh, hi. -Hi. H-hi. [dramatic suspenseful music] ♪ We are The Pony Express ♪ ♪ We get the mail with speedy success ♪ ♪ Whether it's a puzzle or a postcard you send ♪ ♪ You can trust your message ♪ ♪ With this fine group of men ♪ ♪ We are the Pony Express ♪ ♪ Our exhibition darling we are the best ♪ ♪ Give us your package, white, yellow, or brown ♪ ♪ The Pony Express is coming to your town ♪ We are the Pony Express.
Who are you guys? [delivery person sighing] Why are you guys dressed like that? In these troubled times, travel can be just as perilous as combat, sweetheart. So we disguise ourselves so we can slip through enemies' camps unnoticed. And deliver you the mail. T
he following is a message from General Robert E. Lee. -You are to-- -[all] Stop. ...what you are doing and immediately turn your sweet patootie back around and head back -to headquarters. -What? No. We're going to DC to talk some sense into President Lincoln. Mm-mm, sorry, boyfriend. General Lee wants you to lead a battalion -of his finest men. -We have a battalion. -We have Doug. -Hey, I'm Doug.
Just tough titties, sweetheart, 'cause you all are war heroes now, and he wants you in the battle. Oh, man, again, with the fighting? What a dick bag. Why is everybody so violent? -[arrows whooshing] -[delivery person groaning] -[arrows whooshing] -Indians. -[bodies thudding] -[delivery person gasps] -Guys, my stomach. -Sam, run! [
tense booming music] Oh... [eagle screeching] [Native American chanting in distance] [whispering] Hey, I think I can take these guys. Sam, you can't take these guys. [whispering] Trust me. I can do it. Sam, they've already taken us. If you could've taken them, you should've done it back there You know, before we were tied up. Well, I wasn't in the zone then. I'm in the zone now.
Not gonna work. All right, on the count of three, I'm gonna take these three guys up here and then you take those four guys back there, all right? I'm not gonna take four guys. One, two, three! [Sam groaning] Man, can't believe Doug's plan worked again. Yeah, Doug's a dick. [ethereal music] Uh, hey. Hi. 'Sup? Huh? I said 'sup. What's up with you guys? Oh. Um.
-Nothing. -Chilling. What's up with you guys? Same. -Hey, bro. -Yo, bro. What's up with these guys? Me and the guys were gonna go play some lax in the field when we found these two dudes. We thought we'd bring 'em to you, see what you thought. [ethereal music] You guys chill? Yeah, we're chill. You.
You chill? Uh... The chillest. They seem chill. Untie 'em, bros. So you guys aren't gonna kill us? Kill you? Us Indians are men of peace. What about those five dudes you guys just killed back there? What, you mean that crazy horse that attacked you? What's up, bro? -You call me? -Oh no, bro. I meant some horse that is crazy.
Sorry, bro. Hey bro. What's going on, bro? What's happening? So what's with the bro thing? Us Indians believe that all men are brothers of the world. Hey, what's happening, bro? [mimics explosion] Not much, bro. All right. That's what makes your people's conflict so tragic.
Oh, you heard about the fight? -Oh, what's up, bro? -What's up, bro? -Got a problem? -No, you got a problem, bro? Bros, bros, bros. We're just as susceptible to disagreements as you guys, but at the end of the day, we settle ours peacefully. Our kind knows when to smoke the peace pipe. [censored] A, man, that's what I'm talking about. This whole thing didn't have to be about dudes killing dudes.
It's supposed to be about getting a bunch of people together getting high as [censored] and trying to get the white man off our back. You guys party? -[both chuckle] -Yeah, we party. Check this. What the [censored]? [epic music] What? This is the coolest thing I have ever seen. -What? -Oh my gosh. [Sam laughing] -[Trevor] Are you seeing this? -[Sam continues laughing] [rhythmic drumming] [man singing in native language] -[women singing] -[man 2] What's good, bro? Drink up.
This stuff is amazing. Thank you. We are a nomadic people, but we plant fields along the routes we usually travel. Why do you guys travel around so much? We follow the salmon. They're our main source of food. As their breeding ground moves with the seasons so do we. So you guys just get high and follow fish around the country? -Pretty much, bro. -That's so chill.
Maybe that's what we should do. Just say [censored] everything and follow fish around the country. But what would we do for money? You could sell T-shirts. Or burritos. Or grilled cheeses. [man] What's up, bro? You looking at my squaw? Are you talking to me, bro? I asked you if you were looking at my squaw, bro.
Bro, I can look at any squaw I want to. Bro, you wanna take this outside? [man 2] No, bro, I'll take you outside, bro. Indians. Be chill. Here, try this. That weed stuff tastes weird. That ain't weed stuff. It's peyote. [both] No! [intense music] [classical music] Hi, Trevor. Hi, Sam.
What do you think's going on here? We are drinking tea, I think. Why? We were just with the Indians. Well, what I'm afraid might have happened is whatever it was we smoked has made us crazy. Well, I think the best sort of thing to do in this kind of situation is just relax and not fight it. -[Trevor shouting gibberish] -[man] Be cool! Be cool! -Be cool, bro! -[screaming, wailing] [classical music resumes] Well, I hope things are going all right wherever it is we really are. It probably is. We usually handle things pretty well.
We do, don't we? -[shrieks] Get back. Get back! -[indistinct shouting] I'll kill all you, you jobless dirt worshippers! [screams] To the woods, Sam. [classical music resumes] I think I'm gonna go try and use the bathroom. [heartbeat thumping] Hey, keep breathing, Sam.
-Keep breathing, Sam! -[Sam screaming] -[classical music resumes] -Hm. This tea tastes odd all of a sudden. It does, doesn't it? Why is all this water just lying on the ground? [sobs] It's good though. [classical music resumes] You know, I think maybe we should try to get out of here. I don't see why. It's comfortable, tea's warm. We don't seem to be in any danger.
[Sam and Trevor screaming] Hey, you can't run through here! It's a Union Army camp. [classical music resumes] You know there is another door right over there. Hmm. Should we? [harmonica music] [Sam and Trevor screaming] [guns cocking] [screaming continues] [classical music resumes] Are you sure about this? Probably can't hurt.
I guess we should go check out what's really going on out there. [Sam and Trevor panting] [dramatic martial music] I wanna go back to the tearoom. It's them! [guns thudding] Why did they all just throw their guns on the ground? We don't want no trouble. We've heard about you guys. You have? Sure, you're the Dixie Devils. [gasping] You're all over the papers.
We are? We just want you to know none of us are gonna get any funny ideas. We'll do whatever you want. Legalize it? Sure thing, man. Consider it done. So, what happens now? Well, you're in charge, boss. We're your hostages. But like what do we do? Well, I guess you could list your demands to General Ulysses S. Grant.
Oh, well, how do we find that dude? Oh, he's drunk off his ass over in that big tent over there. [dramatic music] [wolf howling] [Ulysses grunting] [objects clattering] [furniture crashing] [Ulysses grunts] He's in there? That's him. [Ulysses grunting] [furniture crashing] Mr. Grant? [Ulysses] Huh, what? Well, tell him you got some demands.
Uh, we have some demands. [Ulysses] Who is it? The Dixie Devils. [Ulysses] Come in. [dramatic music] [Ulysses grunting] Hey. Hi. Well, well, if it isn't the heroes from the Southern states. What can I do for you boys? Well, we're in your base and we have all your dudes. [exhales heavily] [sniffs] Is that right? [soldier] Sure did.
[soldier 2] We put up a hell of a fight, but they got us. Well, I see your reputation is well earned. [grunts] What do you boys want? We need to go to-- [vomiting] [Ulysses groaning] [gagging and vomiting] [grunts] [spitting] [grunting] We need to go to Washington to talk to President Lincoln.
[chuckling] Really, huh? Okay, okay, so you want me, the leader of the Union Army, to take you two boys, the most notorious warriors in the Confederate Army, to have a little sit down with the president of our country, right? Get a little face-time? What're you boys gonna talk about? How it's bull[censored] that weed stuff's illegal.
Yeah, I mean, as long as nobody's being hurt, what gives you the right to go around and tell people how to live their lives? Well, that's rich coming from a Confederate. You're the [censored] Confederate! You're the [censored] Confederate! Guys, look, we just think that everybody should be free to make decisions for themselves, okay? That is what this war is about. Yeah, we know. Yeah, we started it.
[gagging and vomiting] I don't know why you two boys are out there fighting, but I'm out there for one thing, freedom. Oh, well good. I fight so that a man can work as he wants to work, and live as he wants to live. And smoke what he wants to smoke. Sure. I fight so that men can cast off the shackles of oppression and say loud and clear that no man is subservient to another! Yeah! Oh, my God, that's totally the same stuff we're into.
Freedom is not just a luxury to be enjoyed by the elite and the powerful. It is a sacred right to be shared by all men! Yeah, that's what we've been saying this whole time. It is a right that is promised to us by this great nation, the United States of America. [gagging and vomiting] [spits] [grunting] [breathing heavily] You boys don't have any whiskey, do you? [grunting] This is the worst part of my day.
[grunting] Oh, my God. [Ulysses grunting] Mm-mm. [grunting] I--no. [grunting] Ah! [laughing] [chuckles] Oh. [chuckles] I'm just messing with you guys. I got another bottle over here. [grunts] [glass shatters] [sighs] [grunting] -Sir. -No. [grunting] [gulping] [grunts] [Ulysses exhales heavily] Mr. Grant, I think we made a mistake.
[Sam] Yeah, I mean we thought you guys were the anti-protestors, but you guys are all about letting people get blazed. I mean, it was those other guys who started all the fighting in the first place. We just want everybody to be chill. Well, why don't you boys start by putting down your guns. Oh, right, sorry about that. Yeah, super not chill.
[gun thuds] -Ah-ha! -[both gasp] Suck a [censored]! -[censored]! -Not cool. [guns clicking] [military music] So you guys are really gonna shoot us? Yeah. Really? Man, that's so messed up. We didn't do anything like this to you guys when we had you hostage. Sorry, boss's orders. I'm gonna burn you bad. [soldier scoffs] Hey, guys. Doug! Hey, Big D. Hey, guys.
Hey, what's going on man? Yeah, where you been? Well, after you guys got picked up with the Injuns, I went and met back up with the Confederates. Hey, how are they doing? They're good, they're really good. How's that Robert E. Lee doing? Oh, you know him. He's always busy doing stuff. He's too busy to talk to somebody like me. Yeah, he was always doing stuff. Yeah.
Anyways, after everybody went to sleep, I drank a whole mess of water and then I had to go relieve myself and I got busted. Ah, you got busted? I got busted. Yeah, we got busted by their boss. Yeah, he was all like, "Suck a [censored]!" And we were like, "No!" He made y'all suck his [censored]? No, Doug. Oh. Well, well, well.
[tense music] You boys got any last requests? Yeah, I wanna see that soldier get kicked in the head by a mule. Huh? Okay. What? Wait a minute. Doug, if you said a Union soldier caught you just outside of your camp, then that means that the Confederates are really close by. Yeah, Lee's got a whole mess of men just over that ridge there.
He's getting 'em all ready for some sort of early morning raid today. [tense music] Oh my God. We gotta warn General Grant! But these are the bad guys. No, no, no, we switched sides. We like these guys now. Oh, well, I'm with you guys. -General Grant! -Grant! -General Grant! -Grant! -[Trevor] Grant! -What is it now? -[mule brays] -[soldier shouts] Ah! General Grant, Robert E. Lee's got a whole army of men just over that ridge. He's gonna attack at any minute.
[laughs] I love the [censored] that comes out of a man's mouth right before he gets a bullet in the brain. [laughs] All right, boys. Let's light 'em up! Start with the one on the left! Ready? No, Mr. Grant, you gotta listen! Now, hold on fellas. I got this. Aim! Oh, man, Union Army. My stomach is just killing me! [Doug grunts] Oh [censored]. Fire. [guns shoot] [both] Doug! Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Trev, wait. I'll take the two on the left, you take the five on the right. Ready? Go.
[grunts] Now it's time to send the Dixie Devils back to hell where they belong. General Grant, you gotta listen to me! The Confederates are on their way! Ready! Aim. [guns cock] [grunting] [dramatic music] -Fire! -Wait! Wait. Wait, he speaks the truth! I was scouting less than a mile away. They're right on top of us. Seven battalions.
He must have 10,000 men! That's over half his army. We can't put up a fight against a force like that! It's over! We're gonna be fish in the barrel! Run for your lives, everybody! Run! Head for the hills! Live your lives in hiding! -Oh! -Fish in a barrel? Fish in a barrel. Sam, remember those guys that just get high and follow fish around? Yeah.
Do you remember where they planted their field? Yeah. General Grant! General Grant! What? We know how you can beat Lee. You do? Yeah. [men shouting] All right, everybody come back! [flute music] [feet stomping] Are you sure this is gonna work? Not at all, sir. Well, you better be right. You know what I mean. Okay, Sam, they're in the field, now's the time.
Got it. All right, spark it up. [feet stomping] [flute music] [fire crackling] [soldiers coughing] [coughing continues] [soldiers laughing] It's working. All right, men, it's go time. Handkerchiefs on! And let's get 'em! But remember, don't kill anybody. Just, I don't know, hit 'em in the head with your guns or something. Fine, okay.
This one's for Doug! Actually, these guys killed Doug. Charge. [soldiers shouting] [reggae music] [music continues] [blow smacks] [grunts] [shrieking] [soldiers grunting] [music continues] [inaudible dialogue] [music continues] [blow smacks] [groaning] [drumroll] [trumpets blaring] This document outlines the terms of your surrender.
If you sign here, the war's over. Here you go, Mr. Lee. Hey, I know you. It's me, girl brains, huh? I know him. What are you doin' here? Extra, extra, local heroes switch sides, win war. Well, it was a good flag though. [indistinct muttering] [priest] He held out as long as he could, and if the infection had not reached his brain, and he would've lived to see this day, I'm sure he would've been proud of his son.
Or furious, I'm not sure where he stood on the war. [gentle music] Oh, Bob, you came back to visit me. It was Bob, right? [laughing nervously] [trumpets blaring] President Lincoln will see you now. Boys, good to meet you. Bang up job, you have managed to end the United States Civil War in three days, and, all told, we only lost 150 people. Yeah, sorry about that, things got outta hand.
We should have been more clear on our flyers. Well, I want you to know you have my sincerest gratitude. I thank you and this country thanks you. Now, I want you to know, if there's ever anything that you two need, my door will always be open. Dude, that rules, thanks. Sam. Actually, Mr. Lincoln, there is something that you could do for us.
See, we started this whole thing because we believe in something. We believe that if people out there wanna smoke that weed stuff that gets you high, as long as they're not hurting themselves or anybody else, that's really not any of the government's business. Yeah, it's like, the government can suck it.
We have traveled many miles and survived many battles to get here so that we could humbly ask you, please, Mr. President, do the right thing. Make the weed stuff legal again. Okay, wait a minute. Are you-- Are you telling me that you two morons fought this entire war because you thought marijuana was illegal? -Yeah. -Slavery! The war was about slavery.
Goddammit. Wait a minute, did we win the war for slavery or against slavery? Against slavery. -Jesus Christ. -Oh, thank God. We have this friend at home that would be pissed. How is this even possible? Is it the school system? Can't be, I didn't graduate. Is it your home life? -Can't be. -Homeless. Jesus Christ.
Wait, wait a minute. But, then, why was everybody back home so riled up? Slavery! -[both] Oh. -Right. I am so embarrassed. Wait a minute, so you're telling me that it's legal to smoke the weed stuff? Hello, yeah, it's a plant, it's around, it's in nature. Our forefathers left England to get away from oppressive law.
This entire nation is founded on the idea of personal freedoms. So it was always legal? Yeah, legal the whole time. Legal now, always gonna be legal. This is the United States of America. [censored] me! [gentle music] I feel bad that Lincoln yelled at us. He's not as nice as I thought he'd be. Yeah, pennies are bull[censored] I feel bad that we got all those people killed. Yeah.
But we did free the slaves. Yeah, that's right. We are heroes. We are Trevor and Sam and we freed the slaves. We can free the slaves 'cause we are Trevor and Sam. [together] We're Trevor and Sam and we freed the slaves. We can free the slaves 'cause we're Trevor and Sam. Hey, hey, Doug. [Sam] Doug, no way. All right, man.
[upbeat fiddle music] [Sam] All right, lookin' good, man. [Trevor] Yeah, Doug. Aw, man, we are high. [bright music] [both chuckling] Yeah, Doug. All right. Aw, man, I'm glad he's okay. Yeah, I don't think he is though. What? I mean, look, you can see through him. Oh. Yeah, Doug, I think you're a ghost. I think you're a ghost, Doug.
I guess it means your soul has some unfinished business here on Earth. I would try to find somebody to help you solve whatever it is. -Not us, man. -No. No, we are too high. Yeah, we can't help you, Doug, we're too high. [fast banjo music] We can't help you, Doug, we're too high. Doug, he said we're too high. Doug, we like you and all, we're just too high to help you. Yeah.
Seriously, Doug, we're too high, stop. Doug, we're too high. We said we're too high, Doug. Doug, we're too high. -I'm high, he's high. -I'm so high. [Trevor] Doug, Doug. -Doug, don't be like that. -Doug. [music continues] We can't help you, Doug, we're too high. [music stops] Dammit, Doug, we said we're high.
We're too high, Doug. We can't help. -Doug, we are too high. -What do you want from us? -We're too high to help you. -We're stoned. Doug, we're... Doug, we're too high! [dramatic music] [bright country music] ♪ Two young boys from ol' Virginny ♪ ♪ One poor and one 'em rich ♪ ♪ Sleepin' on the finest cotton ♪ ♪ The other'n in a ditch ♪ ♪ Well they found out 'bout the weed stuff ♪ ♪ From a friend of theirs in town ♪ ♪ Better powder up your muskets, Dixie Devils comin' round ♪ ♪ Well the war broke out at Sumter ♪ ♪ Bombs and rockets stained the sky ♪ ♪ Our heroes didn't know this ♪
♪ 'Cause they were just too high ♪ ♪ But history waits for no man ♪ ♪ You can feel it 'cross the town ♪ ♪ So powder up your muskets, Dixie Devils comin' round ♪ ♪ There's a lotta life behind us ♪ ♪ Even more yet up in front ♪ ♪ They turned on Robert E. Lee ♪ ♪ 'Cause he was such a [censored] ♪ ♪ They joined up with Ulysses ♪ ♪ And brought the whole war to an end ♪ ♪ Better powder up your muskets, Dixie Devils ride again ♪ [music ends] [hip hop music] [slide whistle plays] [horn honks] [kids] Holy [censored]!
