Mallrats - YouTube
Transcripts:
<i> BRODIE: One time, my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass.</i> <i> True story. He bought it at our local mall so the whole fiasco wound up on the news.</i> <i> It was embarrassing</i> <i> for my relatives and all.</i> <i> But the next week,</i> <i> he did it again.</i> <i> Different cat, same results,</i> <i> complete with another trip</i> <i> to the emergency room.
</i> <i> So I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat.</i> <i> And I says to him,</i> <i> "Jesus, Walt,</i> <i> what are you doing?</i> <i> "You know you're just going</i> <i> to get this cat stuck</i> <i> in your ass, too.</i> <i> "Why don't you knock it off?"</i> <i> And he said to me, "Brodie,</i> <i> how the hell else</i> <i> "am I supposed</i> <i> to get the gerbil out?"</i> <i> My cousin was a weird guy.
</i> <i> (SOCIAL</i> BY SQUIRTGUN PLAYING) (CAR DOOR OPENING)
Brandi Svenning, come on down. I'm taking your ass to Florida. Let's go. Where's your luggage? Come on, the plane leaves in an hour. T.S., did you see Julie Dwyer last night? Yeah, saw her at the video store. She was talking about being on your dad's stupid game show. Oh, my God, he's not here, is he? Yeah, he's inside.
T.S., did you tell her that every time you're on TV, you look 10 pounds heavier? Yeah, well, I told her that the way TV shows are shot sometimes makes you look a lot fatter than you are in real life. Why, what did she do, call up and cancel? No, not exactly. T.S., you know that Julie had a huge weight problem in school.
She had the fattest ass. And when you said that to her she went straight out to the YMCA and started doing laps. It's because she wanted to be fit for the show tonight and well in the middle of her 700th lap this embolism popped in her brain and she dropped dead. Right in mid-backstroke. She's fucking dead? Then her sister told her parents why she was doing all the laps and it got back to my father and...
Shit, T.S., he's really pissed at you. I mean, it's awful about Julie's death and now, he doesn't even have a female contestant for his show. Well, can't you calm him down or something? Well, I've done that. Thank God. How? I told him I'd do the show. Good. What? Wait a minute. No. We're leaving for Florida.
T.S., I can't go, I've got to stay here. No, I've got something planned for Florida. No, we've gotta go. But, T.S., I'm doing this to get you out of trouble with my father. Help him out of a bind, which, you know, you kind of... Well, at least a little responsible for. I bet he's as happy as a pig in shit that you're not going away with me.
Are you kidding? He's absolutely devastated about Julie. <i> (MUSIC PLAYING)</i> (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) I can't believe you! Brandi, the guy hates me. You know, I bet he sees this tragedy as an excellent opportunity as a way to keep you from going away with me. Would you calm down? I mean, you're being a complete ass.
(GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Sometimes, I almost forget that you're such a daddy's girl. It makes me sick. Well, you know what I think is sick? This relationship. Come on, I thought we weren't going to go through this make-up, break-up shit anymore. Yeah, well, you can just forget about making up. You know, you are exactly like my father.
It's always about what you need, what you've got planned screw everybody else, my shit is more important. You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed as he is. In fact, the two of you have so much in common I think you should date each other. Brandi, wait. (DOOR CLOSING) (GRUNTS) <i> (MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)</i> Sweet fucking Christ, would you knock it off? God! What? (SIGHS) What time is it? 9:30.
Man, go back to sleep! (SIGHING) Thank Christ. What the hell are you doing? Finishing my game. No. You promised me breakfast. Breakfast! Breakfast, shmeckfast. Look at the score, for God's sake. I'm only in the middle of the second and I'm winning 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene. Now Hartford, the Whale? They only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice, in a lifetime.
You hit the bathroom already? Don't worry. I didn't let your mother see me. Who's worried? Are you kidding me? I've never met a person who lives in as much fear of his mother as you do. I do not. So that's why I have to sneak in here after everyone's asleep at night and sneak out undetected in the morning? You want I should tell my mother what we do in here at night? That you play videogames and I fall asleep unfulfilled? Go ahead. It beats the sneaking-around shit.
What can I say? She doesn't like you. You've never even introduced me to her. Yeah, 'cause you're always in the goddamned bathroom, all right? What the hell do you do in there all the time? You really want to know? I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role of the concerned guy. I cry. You cry? I cry.
Any particular reason? (GLASS SHATTERING) Hey. I think about the people that make decisions that affect our lives. The doctors who make advancements in curing diseases. The engineer that designs skyscrapers. The guy that maps out a plane's flight path. The navigator. I think about how those people are out there every day making a difference, leading big lives (DRAWER CRASHING) and how they refuse to be intimidated by the tremendous odds of failure they face.
And how they only concern themselves with peers and company that apply to their goals and noble causes. Jesus! I'd hate to tell you what I think about when I'm in the bathroom. I think about all that and I cry (SIGHS) because I have nothing better to do than fuck you. <i> (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)</i> (DOG BARKING) You're dumping me? Is this because I didn't introduce you to my mother? You're a fickle broad.
Holy shit! If it isn't <i> mon frère.</i> Usual vault rules apply: touch not, lest ye be touched. You're such an anal-retentive bastard. I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but no you wanted to play Little League instead. What's that? Like it? I framed it before you got here.
Oh, my God! Rene dumped you! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega. Wow! Look at this laundry list of complaints. You have no direction, no college ambition, no job prospects. Yeah. It also says I have no dick. But you'll notice that follows the financial question, proving once more what women really look for.
Wow, she calls you callow in here. You say that like it's bad. It means frightened and weak-willed. Really? Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary. Yeah, well, you're lucky. Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter filled with obscure adjectives. What are you telling me here? I, too, now am in the framing business.
Holy shit! Brandi dumped you. Wait a second, aren't you two supposed to go to Florida? Should've left this morning. It gets worse. I was gonna propose to her. Where? On the Universal tour. You're kidding! What part? When Jaws pops out of the water. That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Too bad I'm not trying to marry you. Let me ask you something. Did you ever fart in front of her? (SNICKERING) Why do you ask? I never farted in front of Rene, not once, all right? Then last week I let one slip. Today she dumps me. You think that that's why Rene dumped you? She's not the shallow type, Brodie.
She was going down on me at the time. Shut up! What can I say? I was feeling very relaxed. When I'm relaxed, I squirt. (EXCLAIMS) If all she did was dump you, you got off light. I can't believe this shit. Why are we sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong with our significant others? We just nailed it, in your case.
No, there is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss. Ritual suicide? No, you idiot. The fucking mall! I prefer ritual suicide. Come on, man! It'll be great. They got these new cookies at the cookie stand. You have to try them, they're awesome. (EXCLAIMING) I love the smell of commerce in the morning! (INHALES) You're really making that last.
Waste not, want not. What, you want to say something? About a million things but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand them all. Asshole! Prick! Fuck you! What the hell was that all about? He's a jerk from Fashionable Male, this upscale wannabe shop on the 2nd floor.
He's the manager. The guy's always giving me shit. I've no idea why. I thought everybody loved you at this mall. "F" him! Where do you want to go first? Back to Brandi's. Look, Brandi is the past, my friend. She's behind you now. You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage. You should learn to heed your own advice.
Where the hell did that come from? What's going on here? It looks like a stage is being erected. What is this monstrosity? Maybe it's for the Easter Bunny pictures. Impossible! The Easter Bunny Court is down at the other end of the mall. It's been up since two days after Christmas. I want answers.
Ask one of the workers. No, there's a soul who might know what's up. Willam. Willam! Poopie trim. Brodie, man, what's going on? What, do you work here now? No, man. Just hanging with T.S. T.S.: Willam, what exactly are you doing? Looking for the hidden picture. If you stare at these things long enough, you're supposed to see some kind of hidden three-dimensional picture.
Oh, yeah, look. It's a sailboat. You saw it, too? Dammit! What? I've been staring at this thing for a week now from opening till closing and I can't see a goddamned thing! You gotta relax your eyes. Everyone sees this thing except me. Today's my day. I brought a lunch and a soda and I'm not gonna leave until I see this sailboat everyone keeps talking about.
So, Willam, would you happen to know what this stage business is all about? It's not a stage! I'm gonna see it if I have to go blind trying. No man, this stage over here. That thing? I think some game show in the mall today. I think it's going to be on TV. It's called <i> Truth or Date</i> or something.
Oh, my God! That's Brandi's father's game show. What is it? It's this cheesy <i> Dating Game</i> rip-off thing. Supposed to be for college kids. Just trying to capture the '90s youth market with a staple of '70s television. Why can't they bring back or remake good shows like <i> BJ and the Bear?</i> Now there's a concept I can't get enough of: a man and his monkey.
Would you guys shut up? You're breaking my concentration. Sorry, Willam. Now I have to start all over again. Good luck with that thing. Remember, relax your eyes. (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Wow, a sailboat! Shut up! (SIGHS) Could this week get any worse? Now she's going to be auctioned off on live TV from a mall.
Not "a" mall, all right? "The" mall. Show some respect. It doesn't have to go down like that, if we trash the thing. There's a unique way of getting back in her good graces, by ruining her father's show. You're a clever one. I can get someone to do it for us. We'll be blame-free and Brandi won't be able to do the show.
Who is this imaginary hatchet man? Hatchet men. Knock it off! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty, kitty, kitty! Hey, Jay! Brodie, man! Nootchy nootchies! And look at this shit. The mad, fat, chick-killer. I can't believe how fast word travels in this town. Excellent. What's he doing? Shithead here watched <i> Empire</i> and <i> Jedi</i> last week and ever since, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick.
Crazy fuck thinks he'll levitate shit with his thoughts. Knock it off! The Force is strong with this one. Dude, don't encourage him. So I was telling T.S. here we gotta find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anyone that can help us out it's the two guys that have even less to do than us. What is this shit? Everyone's looking for us today.
We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan about her video set-up. Why him? Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player, using chicken wire and shit. Motherfucker's like MacGyver.
No, motherfucker's better than MacGyver! Knock it off! And it's that kind of smarts we need, right, mopey? Leave me out of this. We need you to embark on a little sabotage mission on behalf of T.S.'s love life. (SCATTING) You know about this game show thing they've got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway. Really? Why? What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob just stole the schematic of the stage from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness, just like the fucking Death Star. He figures if you pull this crossbeam out fucking bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.
We were thinking about something simple, but if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that. Only problem is LaFours. Who's LaFours? You don't know who LaFours is? They don't know who LaFours is! He's only the most feared security guard in the business, man. 460 collars, all convicted. I hear he's even got two kills.
Holy shit! I never thought I'd see the day when two such highly reputable mischief-makers as yourselves douse their drawers at the sight of a mall security guard. Shit, bitch! We're gonna bust out that stage like a high-school kegger. We're just gonna outwit LaFours, X-Men style. Should I call you Logan, Weapon X? (HOARSELY) No, Wolverine! Snicky, snicky, snoine.
What he's doing is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his Adamantium claws. I never would have guessed. All right, guys. You have your mission, go forth and wreak havoc. Bye, baby kitties. Damn, Silent Bob, show some heart. Pss, pss, pss. That's better. We're on the job. Thanks. I have to admit I'm shocked you didn't try to dissuade them.
I would if I actually thought for a second they could pull it off. Ye of little faith, want a cookie? (BIRD CAWING) (DRILLING MACHINE WHIRRING) What's he doing? If you stare at this poster for a few seconds, a hidden picture appears. BOTH: Can we do it? Please? TEACHER: All right, go ahead, but hurry, the Easter Bunny's waiting.
Wow, it's a schooner! You dumb bastard! It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat. A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead. You know what? There is no Easter Bunny! Over there is just a guy in a suit! (WOMEN CHATTERING) But they're engaged. It doesn't matter, it can't happen. Why not? It's bound to come up.
It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes can handle his sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun, right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child? Sure. Why not? He's an alien, for Christ's sake! His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun.
If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom. But that would kill him. How did I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court? Cookie stand is not part of the food court.
Of course it is. The food court is downstairs, the cookie stand is upstairs. It's not like we're talking quantum physics here. The cookie stand counts as an eatery, the eatery's a part of the food court. Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court.
Anything outside of said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now if you're gonna wax intellectual about the subject... Holy shit! Wait here. Where are you going? <i> Cherchez la femme.</i> That would look terrible on you. Didn't I dump your ass this morning? Look, I know you've had some time to think about the mistake you've made and I just want to let you know you don't have to apologize.
I'm sure you were just PMSing or something. Brodie, what kills me about you is your inability to function on the same plane of existence as the rest of us. Piss off. Okay. I see you want to continue with this charade of ending our union. Fine, I'll play along. But if we're divorced, we're gonna have to divide our mutual possessions.
What the hell are you talking about? You have my <i> Punisher War Journal #6,</i> my copy of <i> Fletch</i> and the remote control to my TV. I know it's gonna be hard to give this stuff up because of its sentimental attachment. Sentimental attachment? If I have any of that crap, it's because you brought it over to my house and left it there.
Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights. For what? For the mall. I figure you can have the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special function like a sidewalk sale, boat show... Brodie. Brodie! I have always taken you with a grain of salt.
On your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme from <i> Mighty Mouse,</i> I said okay. When we were at that hotel, prom night and you asked me to sleep underneath the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral when you told most of my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide.
If you think that I'm gonna suffer any more of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment. What? JAY: Phase one: First, you take a run at LaFours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Nudge.
You clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie-berserk style and knock out the fucking pin and bickety-bam, the motherfucker's rubble. Hence, no game show. (COINS CLANKING) (EXCLAIMS)
T.S.: What? Do you know that kid or something? I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues. What is with you today? Don't get me wrong. I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child. That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think? There's not a year goes by that I don't read about an escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've been easily avoided had some parent, I don't care which one, but some parent, conditioned him
to fear and respect that escalator! Wow! Look who it is. Jerk! Little Tricia Jones! What's a pretty girl like you doing sitting alone in the middle of this monument to consumerism? Updating my calendar and waiting for Jay and Silent Bob. And I suppose you're here with no agenda, as per usual. On the contrary, I'm here for comics.
T.S. Quint, Tricia Jones. They call her Trish the Dish. Nobody calls me that. Our little Tricia here is only 15 but somehow she's a senior. How'd you manage that? (SLURPING) Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off. Yeah, right. So what do you say? You wanna nail T.S. or what? Jesus, Brodie! Calm down.
Tricia's compiling data for this book she's writing about the sex drive of men ages 14 to 30. If I remember correctly, it's titled <i> Bore-gasm:</i> <i> A Study of the '90s Male's</i> <i> Sexual Prowess.</i> Ready to get sick? Tell him about the advance you got. Pendant Publishing gave me $20,000 based on a treatment and a sample chapter. You're kidding.
It's true. She'll be the youngest author to tackle the subject. So Tricia here sleeps with a bunch of guys as research. If that's not enough, get this: She videotapes all of them. What? I get everybody's consent before we do it. Most guys get off on it. Men are easily amused. (STUTTERING) What are you writing in the calendar? I was coding last night's research.
She means sex. I know what she meant. What kind of codes? Here, look. The smiley face is for when I go down on the guy. The smiley face with lashes is for when the guy goes down on me. The circle is for when we have sex. The circle with the "X" in it is for when I have an orgasm. The little house is when we do it inside and the grass is for outside.
That kid is back on the escalator again! How old was last night's subject, if you don't mind me asking? Twenty-five. It was the guy who runs that store Fashionable Male. Holy shit! You slept with that asshole? Why? I needed a 25-year-old. And he has quite a distaste for you, I might add. He mentioned me during sex? Afterwards.
He says he wants to kick your ass. I'd steer clear of him, if I were you. Tell me you videotaped him saying that. No. I shut the camera off after the sex. You should have heard the stuff he wanted to do. I'm having a hard time with this. Do your parents know about this? Of course. That's remarkable.
That's criminal. That kid... That kid is back on the escalator again! Leave it alone. What? So, I heard you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning in some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want romance? Not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Be fair, all right? Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. We gotta go.
(SIGHS) Remember my offer. I'm young, virile, sensitive to a woman's needs... Somehow I doubt it, Sega-boy. Good luck with the comic-book store. "Sega-boy." God, Rene's got a big mouth! What does that mean, "Good luck with the comic-book store"? How does that junior Masters and Johnson know about my proposal? It's not like she's in an exclusive club or anything.
What are you talking about? Sean Hartle's giving everyone the inside scoop. What? What's he saying? How her father made her do the game show so you couldn't take her to Florida. Now, what the hell is this shit? What do you got to do to get comics around this place? One side, Red. What the hell's going on here? I was warned about you.
Take it easy before I have you removed... Warned? What the fuck are you talking about? Tell him, Steve Dave. Fuck you, fan-boy! Would you testosterone-seething, He-Man comic book fans finish up with this tough-guy back-and-forth? I got some questions I need answered. Look, who's in there? You got to ask me nicely.
Fuck this. (WHISTLE BLOWING) Jesus Christ! Get the hell off of him. Come on. You fuckers think just 'cause a guy reads comics he can't start some shit? I'll fucking take all of you on! MAN: Somebody get a medic! There's a little boy caught in the escalator! Come back here and arrest this goon! You're fucking next, man.
Jesus, Brodie! I'm not going anywhere until I find out why I can't get my comics. All right. Excuse me. Don't hit me. Why is there a line? Stan Lee is signing comics. Stan Lee? JAY: Okay, Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof, you jump and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch-nemesis LaFours.
You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now, get your fat ass out there! And, dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogins. Fly, fat-ass, fly! What the fuck?
You fucker! WOMAN: Security? Is it alive? Yeah. This is Popular Girl. We just had something crash through the wall. Stan Lee! How does something as big as the creator of the most important titles in comics history coming to my mall get by me? I must be slipping in my old age. The name amongst names.
There's a million questions I'd love to ask him. Her father! I knew this game show thing was just a beard for an attempt to break us up. Why can't he just leave us alone and let us follow through with our plans? What kind of man are you, anyway? I'm talking comics and you bring up chicks and romance? While we're on the subject, why the hell do you want to get married now, anyway? You're still in college.
I was just gonna propose. The wedding wouldn't be till after we graduate. Waste of time, if you ask me. My grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow "when you get the sex for free?" She did? All the time. Of course, she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday, but that's beside the point. Where the hell are these two going in such a hurry? Is he gone? Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.
JAY: Damn, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog. BRODIE: What's with all the running? What the hell happened to him? The human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We'll have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro. No hard feelings.
Isn't that Rene? BRODIE: She's probably looking for me. I better go talk to her. T.S.: I don't know. She's with somebody. Wait a minute, isn't that... The asshole from Fashionable Male! Son of a bitch! My God! You think that they're... Could be. It'll explain why he hates me so much. And there's only one way to find out.
Can you run interference with the lug? What are you gonna do? Get some answers. You work at the Fashionable Male, don't you? Yeah? So? That's a great store you got there. Thanks. Listen, I'm trying to spend my lunch hour with my lady friend here. So why don't you beat it? (CLEARS THROAT) That's your girlfriend? Right there? (CLICK TONGUE) If you don't stop gawking at me and get the hell out of here, I'll kick your ass.
Haven't you ever heard the phrase, "The customer's always right"? Let me tell you a little secret: The customer's always an asshole! Jesus Christ! What the hell gives with the cover boy? None of your damn business. He'd kick your ass if he knew about this. Are you insane? The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket? Start the elevator.
Not until you tell me what the situation is with you and the Sperminator out there. How long has this been going on? Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing. He's a much more suitable companion than you, any day. Are you nuts? The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on, looking for a hole! I need testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection.
I forgot what real men were like. I can't believe you have the nerve to come to my mall and pick up guys! No, Shannon did the picking up. He's already taken me to lunch at the Cheese Haus purchased tickets for the opera night and took me to stores I like! I took you shopping all the time! You took me where you went shopping, jerk! Do you think I care what rat-hole store in that shit-pit you call the dirt mall has got the latest <i> Godzilla</i> bootlegs? You call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out?
Do I give a shit when two major comic labels are crossing over characters and selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers? I'm a girl, damn it! I want to do girly things like fix someone's hair and get romantic phone calls. I call you all the time! "Rene, my mom's asleep. Come over.
" You call that romantic? When was the last time you pulled out my chair or told me I was beautiful? This guy does all this in the span of a day! This guy already introduced me to his mother. Really? He was up and at work by 9:00 this morning. Unlike my ex-boyfriend, who would sleep until 1:00, 'cause he played Sega and watched videos all night long! Which, by the way, has enormous effect on your libido.
Now you attack my libido? There's no libido to attack. No libido to attack? You're sure you saw her get on, right? Maybe she was getting off. (GRUNTS) Ow. Sorry. It's all right. (MIMICKING DISCO BEATS) There, that was romantic, right? Passionate, yeah. No, Brodie. That was too little, too late. Too little? You said it was a good size.
The effort, you retard. The effort was too little, too late. But now that you mention it, when a girl says it's a good size it's a nice way of saying that it's small. (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Hey! I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch. No, forget about him. He just wanted to give me something that he forgot to give me a long time ago.
He's harmless now. Okay? Fine. I gotta get back to the store. Let's go. (BOTH PANTING) Right there in the elevator? I don't know what came over me. She challenged my libido. I felt obligated to defend myself against her accusations. It's not like you still wanted her. Not in the least. I'm over her.
Holy shit! You really love that girl. Yeah, right. No, I never noticed it before, but she really fuels your engine. You have this new glow about you. I don't have a glow. You do. You're glowing. If I have a glow it's because just I got laid. I'd look the same if I banged anyone in that elevator, present company excluded.
Deny it all you want. I think you're too proud to admit you want her back. I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you. What is your problem? I don't understand. (GROANS) Gwen! I'm sorry. You fucker! See! That's what you get for fucking with me. Hey, Gwen, he didn't really mean to hit you.
He's got a funny way of showing it, by elbowing me in my frigging tit! Why the hell are you glowing? I'm not glowing. Brandi dumped him. (GROANING) Would you stop saying that? I know. I heard. You heard? How? She told me. I ran into her a few minutes ago. Really? Where? By the stage. (GROANING) Do you want me to rub it? Work with me, people, would you please? No, I don't want this here.
I want it toward the front. The rug keeps popping up. If I put the podium there, it'll stay down. (CLINCHING) Move it! (GRUNTING) Mr. Svenning! Give me the podium! You put the podium down over here... Like this. You stamp the carpet down with your feet. You speak English? Like this. (GRUNTS) Mr. Svenning! Let me help you up.
Get off! Move! Here, let me help you. (GRUNTS) All right, where's Brandi? Let go of me! Where's Brandi? (SIGHS) You're fired. You get the hell out of here. Get off my set! Where is she? You are out of her life. Now, you stay out of her business and mine, understand me? Come on, people.
Are we working here? Get the backdrop ready. Are those lights ready to go? MAN: Okay, Mr. Svenning. Excuse me. Go on the other side and put the podium over the bad spot in the carpet, okay? The hole? Please. Go. Now. So, you made her dump me and now you're going to auction her off in an effort to better further your own career? Not that it's any of your concern, but Brandi agreed to be on <i> Truth or Date.
</i> After that shit you pulled last night, I think she's even looking forward to it. It'll give her a chance to find herself a decent guy. Somebody with a brain. You admit it? You are behind our break-up. Admit it? Hell, I'm as proud of it as I am of this game show here. Listen to me. It's over between you two.
The sooner you get that, the better off we're all gonna be. Understand me? You don't. Guard, come here. Get this guy off of my set. If he gives you any shit, you have my permission to castrate him. T.S.: You can't do this! I just did. Get me LaFours. Right away, sir. Well, go on! How about these? Very sexy.
That sounded convincing. I'm preoccupied. T.S., she told you. She's just doing it as a favor to her father. Regardless. It's not like she'll fuck the guy on public access. She might as well. You're overreacting again. That's why your relationships fail. It's certainly why ours did. You got bent out of shape the same way over that costume party in high school.
You fucked Rick Derris on a pool table! With everyone watching, no less. It was a costume party, T.S. No one could tell it was me. Besides, who else but you remembers shit like that? I would've been a sexy chick. Do you remember that costume party? Might that have been the one where you banged Rick Derris on the pool table? Nobody remembers shit like that? How is it that you recall the most trivial events? I'll never forget it. How many chances do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?
Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds? BOTH: Except for the moustache. You know, they have a whole room you're supposed to do that in? Some pervert wanted to see me naked so badly today he busted in on me twice while I was trying on stuff. This saves him the effort. How much longer are we gonna be in this chick store, anyway? I'm starting to get a mean hard-on.
Brodie, Tell me about the Rene break-up. I threw her away like a parking ticket. Don't front, Brodie. I talked to Rene's cousin this morning. It was vice-versa. They certainly aren't acting broken up. Go ahead. Ask him about the elevator. Tell me about the elevator. It goes up and down. Rene seems so coarse, anyway.
What was it like to date her? Ever slept with somebody? Uh, yeah. I mean, really slept with somebody. Beside them, not just fuck them on a gaming table. We slept together one time, remember, in high school? That ski trip? That was you? Yes, Brodie, I've slept beside many people. All right. You know how when someone lays with their back to you and you lay behind them really close and you throw one arm over them? It's called spooning.
But you gotta put the other arm somewhere. You can either lay on it or just shove it in between your bodies. The only other option is to stretch it above your head. But sometimes my arm pops out of the socket when I'm sleeping like that. So, I was constantly searching for someplace to keep my arm while still laying close to her.
And? What do you mean, "And"? That's like a metaphor for our whole relationship. I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court. (SOBBING) I know exactly how he feels. Excuse me. Fill this with Coke, no ice. Want a sip of my soda? (GROANS) Smartass ex-boyfriend. I got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you.
I see you every week in this mall. I don't like shiftless layabouts. You're one of these fucking loser mallrat kids. You don't come here to work or shop, you hang out all day. Act like you fucking live here. I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda. Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship? Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless.
Now, you see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're more vulnerable, they're in much more need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And I use that suggestion to fuck them someplace very uncomfortable. What, like the back of a Volkswagen? No, like somewhere girls dread.
Did we ever get along? Once or twice. How come we went out as long as we did? You had cable. So, are you gonna stay for the show? Absolutely not. As soon as he gets back here, I'm gone. T.S. Quint. Where's your sense of chivalry? Oh, my God! Is that Brodie? You're fucking kidding? The Easter Bunny did this? All I said was the Easter Bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing.
He just jumped the railing and knocked me down. He's fucking dead! Let it go. He's under a lot of pressure. What the hell happened to him? The guy in the Easter Bunny suit kicked his ass. I had it coming. Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob. What really happened? The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.
Shannon Hamilton? You know that guy? I went out with him after we dated. He tried to screw me somewhere very uncomfortable once. What, like the back of a Volkswagen? Sounds like his M.O. Can you get up? Am I still glowing? You're barely breathing. Was Rene involved in any of this? This was an independent act of aggression.
He told me that his intentions were to penetrate my ex-girlfriend in the most notorious of body cavities. Sounds just like him. You better tell Rene. Let him do whatever the hell he wants. If she's not smart enough to see him for what he is, she deserves the discomfort. I, on the other hand, have had just about all the discomfort I can stand for a day.
Shit, I'm late. I gotta go. You're just gonna leave with him in this condition? I gotta split. You gonna be okay? Couple of pins in the hip, I'll be good as new. That's my boy. Bye, guys. Be good. Women, always leaving you when you've just had the crap kicked out of you. You look like you're gonna live to me. You stay here.
I gotta hit the bathroom. Please, don't say "hit!" <i> (MUSIC PLAYING)</i> EASTER BUNNY: All right, honey. Don't forget to look for your Easter eggs on Sunday. Bye-bye, Easter Bunny. EASTER BUNNY: All right, who's next? It's hot in this goddamn suit! Hey, guys. Wait in line like everybody else.
What the hell is this? This is for Brodie. (EASTER BUNNY GRUNTING) (KIDS GASPING) (KIDS SCREAMING) He's here. What? Him and Brodie. Don't sweat it, though. He's leaving. He seems really broken up over this whole thing. BRANDI: Maybe because we're broken up for good this time. I remember when I dumped T.S. I was all right with it till he started dating you.
A little jealousy residue? I thought so at first. Then I realized it was more than that. When I saw how he was with you, how well you two complemented each other, it finally hit me that T.S. is a great catch. Gwen, you were always cheating on him. Capricious youth? Doesn't mean I wasn't regretful about it.
Jesus, Gwen. The last thing I need at this point is a lecture on my love life. All I'm saying is that the really good guys are few and far between. In fact, I haven't met one since T.S. Even if I did meet one, I guarantee I'd use him as the basis for my comparison. You can have him if you want him.
Believe me, I might consider trying if he weren't so hung up on you. Well, I gotta get home. Have a great show. Okay. Bye. Chocolate-covered pretzel? This is Roddy, Mr. Svenning's assistant. Mr. Svenning would like to have a word with you. Where? These are melting. Copy that. By the stage. Tell him I'll be there in a minute.
What do you think? I don't trust it. Maybe he's calmed down a little bit. We'll talk reasonably. Reasonably, shmeasonably. You should go over there and give him shit. You kidding? I'm trying to marry his daughter. All right, so you can't scream at him, but after all he's done you should still kind of stick it to him.
How do you propose I do that? You stink-palm him. Stink-palm? Take your hand and you stick it in your ass like this. You've been walking all day and you're also nervous and no doubt you're sweaty as hell. You should see yourself right now. A man with his hand in his pants. I probably look like my old man.
Now you shake hands with the guy. "Hey, Mr. Svenning. How've you been?" What's the point? Know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you like, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.
Meanwhile, you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit? Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies. I think I'll pass. Do me a favor. Stay here while I go talk to him. I assure you, tonight's program will go off without a hitch. I hope so, Jared, for your sake. You picked a dangerous mall to host a game show in.
I hear the Easter Bunny was accosted this morning. If there's anything even remotely resembling the trouble you had at the Governor's Ball, you're gonna be hosting the Lotto drawing on public access the rest of your career. Gentlemen, please trust me. I have just taken the necessary precautions to insure everything will go smoothly.
(THUDDING) (EXCLAIMING) Nothing to worry about. Sound test! I tell you what. Why don't... Why don't I meet you back here around show time? Somebody said you wanted to see me? Quint, I accept the fact that you no doubt fucked my daughter. The two of you have been dating long enough for you to have slimed your way into her panties and I'm sure you did just that at least once or twice in my own house, probably while I was at home.
Brandi has a bright future. She is an extremely intelligent and capable girl. And I'm sure that one day she'll be even more successful than me. Maybe. But you... You, on the other hand, have absolutely no ambition. And no chance of making it in the real world. My daughter is too good for you.
You will never, ever be with her. (GASPS) If there isn't anything else... Hey, fellas! Well, well, well, if it isn't my neighbor. Mr. Svenning, how have you... Damn! Would you feel that iron-grip handshake! Like Burt Reynolds and shit. So, what's going on here? T.S. and I were just discussing a few of his lesser points.
Of which he does have many. Hey! Look at that ring. What is that? That is my junior-college class ring. Cum laude, '69. I also hope to come loud one day, preferably in a 69. (BOTH LAUGHING) Say, would you like a chocolate-covered pretzel? They're a little melty, but, damn, are they exquisite. If I remember correctly, you're a big pretzel fan.
Dark chocolate? Yeah! Come on! No, please, no! They're awesome. Here you go. Thank you. SVENNING: That's good. Very nice. Being a man who believes in "one good turn deserves another"... I have something to offer the both of you. Really, what's that? What is this? These are called handcuffs. Once I realized you two were in the mall, I decided to set up this little ambush to remove you and your sidekick here from the premises, permanently.
Why am I his sidekick? How do you know he's not my sidekick? T.S.: You're nothing but a lot of talk and a badge. Rene! Get Jay and Silent Bob! Please! BRODIE: Hurry! Did somebody call your name? I have to go to the bathroom. Wait here, okay? Hey, anything for you, babe. It's your day. Thanks.
I'll tell you, what you need is a fatty-boombatty blunt. Then I guarantee you see a sailboat an ocean, and maybe even some of them big-titted mermaids doing lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch! (PANTING) Dude, you're a mad chick magnet! T.S., Brodie, security guards. Under arrest, they need help! Go! Wow. A sailboat.
Brenda? Dick! This is illegal! You can't arrest us for nothing! All right. I believe when Mr. LaFours turns us over to the police the bag of contraband that he's "found" on our persons will give them more than enough reason to keep us locked up. At least for the duration of this evening's show. Isn't that right, Mr.
LaFours? (THUDDING) Come, son of Jor-EI! Kneel before Zod! Snootchy bootchies! (SNICKERS) Vulcan nerve pinch? That was close. What about that stink-palm back there? He even licked his hand. We gotta disappear, man. They'll be looking for us. Thank you, man. We owe you one. You want to hide? I know just the place.
Whatever. Let's just go. Don't I even get to wash my hand first? What the shit are we gonna do? (ELECTRONIC BUZZING) (SCREAMING) Come on, we're fucked! They're right behind us. Come on! Yeah! Bad-ass! Yeah! Where do you get those wonderful toys?
T.S.: This is where we're hiding out? BRODIE: This is the dirt mall! Cops never come in here. Neither does any self-respecting consumer. I never could figure out what you saw in this place. Good buys. Great people. Earthy aromas. Hey, Walt! WALT: Brodie! They know me here. I wouldn't be too proud of that.
Listen to the sound of defeat in your voice. Might it have to do with the fact that I've been defeated? Man, you're giving up? You? You used to be a stand-up kind of guy. What happened to that guy? The guy who punched Amanda Gross' mother after she called him "low-class." That wasn't me, that was you.
Oh, yeah. It wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother. No wonder the bitch went down so fast. You should have boards in them. All right? Bloody savage. That is one of your more admirably deplorable traits. You, unlike me, would beat up somebody's grandmother or an entire senior citizens' community if you believed in the principle.
But only if they were really old. Maybe I was deluded. Maybe you were right this morning when you said if something stupid could change how she feels she's not into it in the first place. You'd listen to me? To something I said? Jesus! Haven't I made it clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talking out of my ass.
Or sticking my hand in it. Sometimes, but on occasion you've been known to let a nugget of truth slip out. This morning might have been one of those occasions. You know what you need? Some sage-like advice. You've given me enough for one day, thanks. Not from me, from Ivannah. Who's Ivannah? I can't even find the words.
Is that ingenuity or what? What's palm-reading have to do with being topless? It makes the news easier to take. She could tell me I'll die in 10 minutes so long as she told me topless. Your maleness amazes me sometimes. What can I say? I love tits. What kind of people patronize this service? People like us.
Wait a minute, you're not suggesting... Don't be such a damn fundamentalist. I've already reached my lowest. This is where I draw the line. You used to like tits, too. I love tits as much as the next guy, but why pay some old hag good money for supernatural chicanery coupled with sagging, wrinkled, weathered boobs? BRODIE: Man, this place is something out of <i> Octopussy.
</i> You've come for a glimpse at your future? Amongst other things. Talents like those I possess are not to be taken lightly. If you have heart condition, suffer from nervous nausea or have a family history of stress-induced breakdown... Empire Entertainment recommends you do not partake in the fortune-telling activities contained within.
You guys still in? We're both healthy and strapping young men. You give me $58.60. What? You expect me to pay for this? I'm broke. I'll pay you back. I knew it. I can't believe you. I didn't even want to do this. You'll thank me later. Thank you. All right, gentlemen, free your mind. I'd like to free something.
Focus. That's what I was thinking. She said "focus." Whatever. (MOANING) I sense a grave disturbance between you both. A difficulty in affecting a resolution for a problem. Something hard. I'm convinced. She's got the gift. Try to contain yourself. Miss, I appreciate the effort and I'm sure you're very good at whatever it is you do, but my shallow friend isn't interested in his future, so you can cut the theatrics.
What a relief. I do so much better when I don't have to say things in character. You don't have to say anything at all. You paid, I should tell you something. In order to do that I have to work completely unfettered. (IVANNAH MOANING) Oh, yes. I can definitely sense the problem. Here. Girl trouble.
Apparently, you're both on the outs with your respective steadies. That's amazing. That's disgusting! You both feel the pain of loss. But only one of you makes it vocal. The other one suffers silently. My God, you're right. We gotta go. How can this be resolved? I would say, yes, combine your efforts.
That's what I see. Let me tell you what I see... That's great! I don't buy her power. All right, when's my birthday? Between the first and the last of October. Did you hear that? Very haunting. Let's go. Why are you stuck here in this dirt mall and not in an upscale commercial setting? You could be raking in the dough with your kind of accuracy.
Believe it or not, some people still frown on topless fortune-telling. Unfortunately, it's the only way that I'm effective. Really? It's the third nipple that does it. You have a third nipple? What are you talking about? It's clear as day! Look at it, for God's sake. You can stare at it. I don't mind.
Understanding is reached only after confrontation. Of course! Thank you so much. I can't tell you how informative you've been. Thank you very much. And don't ever lose that nipple. I won't. Do you have... Any other extra body parts? No. Just curious. You could double-check me, if you like. Really? T.S.
: Come on! Works every time. You're gonna what? I'll get on her dad's show. Are you kidding? Last time he had dope planted on us. What will he do this time? He can't touch us once it starts. It's a live feed. He can't risk losing face in front of the network execs. It can't happen. I'll make it happen. "Understanding is reached only after confrontation.
" That's what Ivannah said. Brandi will respond to confrontation. Hey, weren't you the guy that broke up with Brandi Svenning? What the hell's your problem, anyway? You're supposed to be the impetuous one, not me. Why are you fighting me? I'm being rational! You're scared you may want to follow my lead and win Rene back! Rene who? Whatever. Just do me a favor.
Meet me by the stage once the show starts. I'll need your help. Where are you going? Shopping. What the hell am I supposed to do? Dude, this looks like your mom. I've been looking all over for you two. We're hiding. In a bookstore? Last place anyone'd look for me and this tubby bitch. I need your help.
What? You two up for getting stoned? Look who you're asking. You looking at that couple inside? Actually, I was just looking at this little pink number over here. That's kind of nice. They look happy, don't they? What, the bras? No, the couple. They look happy. I guess, as far as couples go.
You know, it reminds me of an issue of<i> Spider-Man</i> I did. When Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy went lingerie shopping. Of course, the Green Goblin showed up and he pumpkin-bombed the hell out of the place. But aside from that, it's pretty much the same thing. Oh, my God! Holy shit! Aren't you...
Stan Lee. Hi. What's up, boys? You guys on this show? That's the rumor. Man, between hoping to win, the crowd out there and being on TV, I'd be scared as hell if I were you two. Yeah? Sure, man. What if you fuck up? Your friends and family watching. I'd be piss scared I'd get a boner or fucking fart or something.
He's got a point, man. This is live. Anything could happen. Shut the fuck up, man. You're making me nervous. There's only one thing that could take off that edge. Make you feel relaxed as hell. Make you forget how many people are staring at you here and on TV. And what's that? Snootchy-bootchy nootchies! The Fantastic Four. Reed Richards.
Can his whole body stretch? I mean every part, you know, like his... I know what you mean. We never really tackled stuff like that in the old days. What with the comic-book code and all. I can't believe I'm standing here talking to you! You're responsible for the greats. Let's do the list. Spider-Man? Guilty. The Incredible Hulk? Afraid so.
This is so cool. The X-Men? Now that you mention it. Shit, man. You are a god! Hey, look at that couple. Boy, they sure seem to be in love, huh? What's with that? That's the second time you've commented on couples in love. Well, I like that sort of thing. Tell me, do you have a girlfriend, Brodie? Had one. We just broke up.
The Thing? Is his dork made of orange rock like the rest of his body? It's a superhero secret. Tell me, Brodie. Why did you and your girlfriend break up? She was a pain in the ass. She wanted me to be this typical boyfriend guy. She said I was too into my own world of comics and all. I can relate.
There was a time when it was all about comics for me. I had a girl, probably the same as yours. She always complained that I spent too much time with my own comics. And eventually we broke up. See, what did she know? Here you are now, a legend in the field. You had a slew of women since her, right? Lots of women.
Jagger and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most. Matter of fact, last time I looked, I was way ahead. Damn, that's hot! But I never forgot that girl. Did you ever get back together with her? One day I found out she got married. I had blown it. I had missed my window. No way. What'd you do? I went on with my life.
I created some special new superheroes. They were characters that reflected my own heartbreak and my own regrets. How so? Doctor Doom wears body armor to conceal his own mangled form. Right? Yeah. That was me beneath the armor. The Hulk. A normal guy one minute, a rage of emotions the next.
Just like me when I thought about what I'd given up. So you created each character as a way to deal with your one big regret. Yeah, the girl that got away. Look, do yourself a favor, Brodie. Don't wait. Because all the money, all the women even all the comic books in the world they can't substitute for that one person.
I don't know. All the comics in the world? Trust me, true believer. Well, good talking to you. Keep up all the good work. You keep reading 'em, I'll keep writing 'em. Hey, Stan! Yeah? She really meant that much to you? Brodie, I'd give it all up, all of it for just one more day with her. Take care.
Stan! Hi! I think he bought it. What kind of story did you give him? It was the Vulture's soliloquy, you know, from the <i> Spider-Man</i> anniversary issue. "Love Be a Vulture Tonight." Yeah. I can't thank you enough, Mr. Lee. Forget it. You know, I think you ought to get him some help. He seems to be really hung up on superheroes' sex organs.
But he'll outgrow it. I think I felt it move. Just kidding. Just the two I'm looking for. I need help. With what? Let me borrow the Shannon Hamilton tape. Why? It's important! The future of my relationship depends on it. It's at my house. Take T.S.'s station wagon, parked in 2D. I don't even have a license.
Just go! You still got that stage schematic? I need you to wire something together for me. Jesus. What's with him? I don't know. I'm suddenly not feeling too well. But everything is fine. We're about to start. You are in for something really special tonight, gentlemen. I have lined up...
Excuse me. Jesus. (VOMITING) Sorry. I have lined up some really bright kids here. This promises to be a lot of fun. I'm sure you're gonna love it. Shouldn't you be in bed or something? No. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Make sure everybody's ready and let's start. How much did you smoke? All it took was a fat chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
How much do I owe you? My treat. As long as you promise, next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchy bootchies. Let's hope there is a next time. All right, I'm ready. You're never gonna believe who I just met. What the hell happened to these two? Power of the Dark Side.
Wait, there's only two. There's supposed to be three. Where's the third guy? I never saw a third guy. BRODIE: Who's this asshole? What the hell happened to those guys? They got lightheaded. You got that right. They gonna cancel the show? What do you care? I'm supposed to be on it. I'm Gil Hicks. Suitor Number Three.
We're taking their place. I'm T.S. Quint. This is Brodie Bruce. Didn't I see you on the news? Dude. Don't give him any shit, all right? Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svenning? Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of diphtheria. What happened to those two? JAY: Homeboys got a case of the mad munchies.
GILL: Hey, Rowdy Roddy. Isn't this the guy Svenning had arrested? Yes, it is. All right, Quint. I don't know how you got back in, but I'm alerting Mr. Svenning. We'll postpone the start until we figure this all out. You called down the thunder, now you've got it! Security! Hey, Roddy! What? Jesus Christ, you knocked him out.
Now hit him! Somebody call security? What happened to those two? They got stoned and knocked him out. He needs medical attention. That's not what happened. Could you have him removed? The show's about to start. Whatever. Look, dude. No more shit, all right? Just go out and woo like you're supposed to and nobody gets hurt.
When Tricia shows up with the videotape, you get it to Silent Bob, understand? I'm on it. Wait a sec, where is that tubby bitch? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) <i> Good evening and welcome to</i> Truth or Date<i> .</i> <i> One match made here</i> <i> ignites the fires of romance.
</i> <i> Hi, I'm Bob Summers,</i> <i> your host</i> <i> and tonight we'll watch</i> <i> as one of our</i> <i> three lucky suitors</i> <i> woos our beautiful,</i> <i> eligible suitor-ette.</i> <i> Ladies and gentlemen,</i> <i> get ready for romance</i> <i> in the making</i> <i> as we introduce the suitors!</i> (AUDIENCE CHEERING) <i> Our first suitor goes to</i> <i> Marymount College</i> <i> where he majors in Economics.
</i> <i> Say hi to Doug Paging.</i> (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Do it, Doug! <i> Our second suitor hails</i> <i> from Canisius College</i> <i> in Buffalo</i> <i> where he majors in</i> <i> Communications.</i> <i> Say hi to Rob Feature.</i> <i> Our final suitor</i> <i> goes to Rutgers</i> <i> where he majors</i> <i> in Fine Arts</i> <i> and Greek mythology.
</i> <i> A nice welcome for Gil Hicks.</i> (AUDIENCE CHEERING) BRODIE: Pay attention, dick. <i> BOB:</i> <i> May the best man win.</i> <i> And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce our lovely suitor-ette.</i> <i> From Monmouth State,</i> <i> where she majors in Astronomy</i> <i> and Earth Sciences,</i> <i> a big welcome</i> <i> for the lovely</i> <i> Brandi Svenning.
</i> (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) <i> All right, everybody knows</i> <i> how the game is played.</i> <i> Our lovely suitor-ette will</i> <i> ask a series of questions</i> <i> of our suitors</i> <i> and make her decision based</i> <i> on their answers.</i> <i> Anything goes!</i> <i> Brandi, are you ready?</i> <i> Absolutely, Bob.
</i> <i> Then you may fire when ready.</i> (CLEARS THROAT) <i> Suitor Number One.</i> <i> If you were a car,</i> <i> what kind of car would you be?</i> <i> The kind you'd never dump</i> <i> your boyfriend in.</i> <i> Suitor Number Two.</i> <i> Can't you call me</i> <i> the Second Suitor?</i> <i> "Suitor Number Two"</i> <i> sounds like a bathroom code,</i> <i> you know?</i> (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) <i> Second Suitor.
</i> <i> If we were making whoopee...</i> <i> What's whoopee?</i> <i> If we were...</i> <i> If we were being intimate...</i> <i> What, like fucking?</i> (ALL GASPING) <i> Yeah.</i> <i> If we were, you know,</i> <i> what kind of noises</i> <i> would you make?</i> (GROANING) <i> No, I think that's</i> <i> kind of personal.
</i> <i> I don't think I should</i> <i> answer that.</i> <i> Suitor Number Three.</i> <i> What would our first date</i> <i> be like?</i> <i> First I'd take you shopping</i> <i> to the stores you'd</i> <i> want to shop in.</i> <i> And then we'd do</i> <i> a little lunch, probably at</i> <i> the Cheese Haus</i> <i> followed by some golfing.
</i> <i> Then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably</i> Die Fledermaus<i> .</i> <i> Then I'd follow it all up</i> <i> with a drive to</i> <i> a secluded beach</i> <i> where I'd pop on</i> <i> the radio</i> <i> and then we could slow dance</i> <i> till the sun came up.</i> <i> That was the biggest</i> <i> load of crap I've ever heard!</i> <i> I mean, look at you,</i> <i> you're the kind of guy</i> <i> that would beg for sex.
</i> <i> I should know,</i> <i> we can smell our own.</i> (PEOPLE LAUGHING) <i> Suitor Number One.</i> <i> If we fell in love,</i> <i> how would you propose to me?</i> <i> When Jaws</i> <i> popped out of the water.</i> <i> Excuse me?</i> <i> I'll propose to you right now.</i> <i> I propose you stop letting</i> <i> your father run your life</i> <i> and be true to yourself</i> <i> and not give up on someone</i> <i> you know has value.
</i> <i> Take off your socks</i> <i> when you make whoopee</i> <i> or whatever that word is.</i> <i> He hates it when you</i> <i> leave them on.</i> <i> What?</i> <i> Hypothetically speaking.</i> <i> Suitor Number One,</i> <i> you sound familiar.</i> <i> Like your conscience, maybe?</i> <i> Look, lady.
</i> <i> You don't know him, all right?</i> <i> Now make with the questions.</i> <i> BRANDI:</i> <i> Suitor Number Three.</i> <i> Is your kiss like</i> <i> a soft breeze,</i> <i> a firm handshake,</i> <i> or a jackhammer?</i> What's the funny guy doing with his hands? I don't want to know. What the fuck is going on up there? <i> Definitely a jackhammer.
</i> <i> I'm in there with</i> <i> some pressure,</i> <i> and when I'm done,</i> <i> you're not the same as before.</i> <i> You're changed.</i> <i> Where do you come up</i> <i> with this shit?</i> <i> That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard.</i> <i> I saw you kiss</i> <i> and it wasn't anything</i> <i> like that.
</i> <i> Suitor Number Two, you have to wait until you're addressed before you respond.</i> <i> Richard Dawson, go back to your podium until it's time to play the</i> Feud, <i> all right?</i> (PEOPLE LAUGHING) <i> Who did you see me kiss?</i> <i> Some dude backstage.</i> <i> I don't know who he was,</i> <i> but he seemed unimpressed.
</i> <i> I didn't kiss</i> <i> any guy backstage,</i> <i> I swear. I'm not gay.</i> <i> Hey, Suitor-ette,</i> <i> this guy's a homophobe.</i> <i> You heard how repulsed</i> <i> he sounded.</i> <i> Is this the kind of guy</i> <i> you want to spend</i> <i> a vacation with?</i> <i> This hatemonger?</i> <i> I don't hate gay people!</i> <i> So you love them?</i> <i> Yes!</i> <i> I mean, no!</i> <i> Textbook closet case.</i> <i> Self-loather.
</i> <i> Can't be comfortable</i> <i> with his own sexuality.</i> (LAUGHING) Brodie said to give this to you. Are you watching this shit, man? It's fucked up! I don't want to be here when that tape does what I think it's going to do. <i> Miss Suitor-ette, how about</i> <i> you answer a question for me?</i>
<i> I don't think that...</i> <i> How strong are</i> <i> your convictions?</i> <i> What are you talking about?</i> <i> How easily do you quit?</i> <i> Say you wind up</i> <i> with one of us.</i> <i> Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh,</i> <i> over here.</i> <i> I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!</i> <i> Why not, because he's fat? You got something against fat people, too?</i> JAY: Snootchy bootchies! Are you ready? <i> If I have a conviction,</i> <i> I stick to it.
</i> <i> Were you ever in love?</i> <i> Yes, as a matter of fact.</i> <i> Really?</i> <i> What happened to</i> <i> your boyfriend?</i> <i> We broke up.</i> <i> Why?</i> <i> It just didn't work out.</i> <i> I mean, were you unhappy?</i> <i> Sometimes.</i> <i> Why?</i> <i> T.S.?</i> <i> Hey,</i> <i> what about the rest of us?</i> <i> Why don't you ask me</i> <i> a question?</i> <i> Suitor Number Two.
</i> <i> Hey, what about me?</i> <i> Gil, just shut the fuck up!</i> (PEOPLE LAUGHING) <i> Second Suitor,</i> <i> would you ever make</i> <i> whoopee in public?</i> <i> I already did once today.</i> <i> But my cousin Walter</i> <i> jerked off in public once.</i> <i> True story.</i> <i> He was on a plane</i> <i> to New Mexico</i> <i> when all of a sudden</i> <i> the hydraulics went.
</i> <i> The plane started</i> <i> spinning around,</i> <i> going out of control.</i> <i> He decides it's all over,</i> <i> whips it out</i> <i> and starts beating it</i> <i> right there.</i> <i> All the passengers take</i> <i> a cue from him,</i> <i> they whip it out</i> <i> and start beating like mad.
</i> <i> So all the passengers are</i> <i> beating off,</i> <i> plummeting to their</i> <i> certain doom</i> <i> when all of a sudden</i> <i> the hydraulics kick back in</i> <i> and the plane rights itself.</i> <i> It lands safely</i> <i> and everyone puts</i> <i> their pieces, or whatever,</i> <i> away and deboard.
</i> <i> Nobody mentions the phenomenon</i> <i> to anyone else.</i> <i> Did he come or what?</i> <i> Jesus Christ, man!</i> <i> There are just some things</i> <i> you don't talk about</i> <i> in public.</i> <i> Second Suitor,</i> <i> if you were</i> <i> a comic-book character,</i> <i> what character would you be?</i> <i> Wow, that's a great question.
</i> <i> A tough one, though.</i> <i> What does one gauge</i> <i> his response on?</i> <i> Physical prowess?</i> <i> Keen detection skills?</i> <i> The ability to banter well</i> <i> with super villains?</i> <i> How's your</i> <i> comic-book collection, Brodie?</i>
<i> It's going good.</i> <i> But, I mean...</i> <i> Comics!</i> <i> What are you talking about?</i> <i> I don't collect comics.</i> <i> Comics are for kids!</i> <i> I knew it.</i> <i> Suitor Number One,</i> <i> you just don't know</i> <i> when to quit, do you?</i> <i> No.</i> <i> No, but you sure do.</i> <i> I thought you were in love.
</i> <i> I was in love.</i> <i> But I thought</i> <i> that I had a partner.</i> <i> Somebody who wouldn't fall to pieces when things didn't go his way.</i> <i> How so?</i> <i> My father needed a contestant</i> <i> for his show, T.S.</i> <i> What was I supposed to do?</i> <i> Show a little backbone.
</i> <i> Show a little backbone?</i> <i> What did you do?</i> <i> When I walked away,</i> <i> did you make any effort</i> <i> to repair that breach?</i> <i> No, you just ran off</i> <i> and cried on the shoulder of</i> <i> Bumble the Boy Wonder</i> <i> over there.</i> <i> Boy Wonder?</i> <i> I'm all man, lady!</i> <i> So you're here now</i> <i> and you're ruining</i> <i> my father's new show.
</i> <i> You're airing</i> <i> all our personal business</i> <i> on stage.</i> <i> You've gone this far, T.S.,</i> <i> why don't you just tell them</i> <i> the whole story?</i> <i> There we were, mere hours</i> <i> from spending</i> <i> an entire week together</i> <i> away from our family, school.</i> <i> She throws in the towel</i> <i> because her daddy says so.
</i> <i> The girl who was meant to be</i> <i> sitting in this chair</i> <i> died in a pool.</i> <i> And when I tried</i> <i> to explain this to him,</i> <i> he was such an asshole</i> <i> about it</i> <i> that even though</i> <i> it killed me to do it,</i> <i> I broke up with him.</i> <i> You know,</i> <i> I've been crying all day.
</i> <i> But what did he do?</i> <i> He just goes on with his life.</i> <i> I mean here he is.</i> <i> He's hanging out at a mall.</i> <i> You put yourself</i> <i> on an auction block</i> <i> for God's sake</i> <i> in front</i> <i> of a live studio audience.</i> <i> Do I get a chance to field</i> <i> any more questions?</i> BOTH: No! <i> Look, I think</i> <i> I should say something here.
</i> <i> I know both of you</i> <i> pretty well. Suitor-ette,</i> <i> Suitor Number One</i> <i> has done nothing</i> <i> but pine over you all day</i> <i> trying to figure out a way</i> <i> to win you back.</i> <i> When this public opportunity</i> <i> to literally do that arose,</i> <i> he pulled his shit together,</i> <i> risked life and limb</i> <i> and faced the odds to</i> <i> get up here and give it</i> <i> his best shot.
</i> <i> I'm tired of this whole thing! You're both retarded for each other!</i> <i> Forget about the shit</i> <i> that happened and do what</i> <i> you're supposed to!</i> <i> I think the audience</i> <i> would agree with me there.</i> (AUDIENCE CHEERING) <i> Ask her,</i> <i> you silly bastard!</i> <i> Miss Suitor-ette,</i> <i> Suitor Number One loves you,</i> <i> has always loved you,</i> <i> and will always love you.
</i> <i> He's only got one question</i> <i> that he'd like to ask.</i> <i> Will you marry me?</i> <i> Yes.</i> (AUDIENCE CHEERING) JAY: Snootchy bootchies, Brodie-nootchies! Are we set or what?
Good to go. (POLICE SIRENS WAILING) A sailboat. (SCREAMING) <i> I think it's safe to say,</i> <i> we've made our match.</i> <i> These two lucky people</i> <i> will soon be</i> <i> winging their way</i> <i> to beautiful, sunny Florida</i> <i> for a week of theme parks,</i> <i> beaches</i> <i> and a lot more</i> <i> from the look of it!</i>
<i> I guess that about</i> <i> wraps it up for...</i> Not just yet, Pat Sajak. All right? You! All right. I believe you have something that belongs to me. Yeah? What's that? Not you, asshole! The girl. <i> You have my heart.</i> What can I say? I love the retard. Wait a minute. I thought tonight we were supposed to, you know... Hamilton! <i> Let's try to wrap this up, all right? I promised her breakfast.
</i> All right, that's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm going to fuck you up beyond repair! Sailboat. Sailboat. Goddamn sailboat. <i> Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way</i> <i> is a pillar of</i> <i> the shopping community</i> <i> who informed me earlier today</i> <i> of a nefarious plan of his</i> <i> to screw my girlfriend</i> <i> in a very uncomfortable place.
</i> <i> What?</i> <i> Like the back of a Volkswagen?</i> <i> And as he comes up here to...</i> <i> Holy shit!</i> <i> Without further ado,</i> <i> I'd like to present you all</i> <i> with an accurate portrayal of</i> <i> the proprietor of</i> <i> Fashionable Male.</i> <i> Now, Silent Bob!</i> <i> I said now, Silent Bob!</i> WILLAM: When, Lord? When the hell do I get to see the goddamn sailboat? <i> Now, now, now!</i> (SCREAMING) <i> Who's your favorite New Kid?</i> <i> Call me Joey.
</i> <i> Oh, yeah. Don't make me</i> <i> get loose.</i> <i> I think that's it.</i> <i> Yeah. Call me Donnie.</i> <i> Come on. Oh, girl.</i> <i> Yeah, please don't go.</i> <i> Goddamn.</i> <i> This is one wacky game show.</i> That girl's only 15. 15? I thought she was 36. Hey, come on, guys.
Tell me you wouldn't have popped her? (THUDDING) Where you're going, they screw people in a very uncomfortable place. Really? Yeah. You can't strike a prisoner in police custody. Come on, just once? All right, but make it fast. (GROANING) Would you have gone on vacation with the winner? What do you think? I don't know, I think you would have.
But I would have sent you a postcard. What the hell is wrong with me? If the tape was out of your reach, how the hell did you get it? The Jedi mind trick! Holy shit! Motherfucking Yoda and shit! Adventure? Excitement? A Jedi craves not these things. <i> (BROKEN</i> PLAYING) Did you see that shit? Do you call that romance? I call that illegal.
So. So what? I was just wondering, if maybe you're not busy tomorrow night... Yeah? Would you like to have dinner at my house and meet my mother? I can't guarantee she'll like you, but... It was just a warm-up. Please, come on? The show would always go smoother and be less racy. The show was a piece of shit. Unoriginal, uninspired, you know.
The only thing that saved it was this guy here. I'm Bentley Garrison, with the network. Me and Mason thought you were hysterical. Hilarious. You've got great presence, kid. Have you ever considered hosting your own talk show? (GASPS) Him? <i> (SUSANNE</i> PLAYING) Yeah?
